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Mark4; Take 2
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Topic Started: Mar 11 2014, 04:27 PM (2,889 Views)
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Done4Me
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Oct 26 2014, 01:17 PM
Post #61
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- Mark4
- Oct 26 2014, 12:32 PM
The second sunday morning, what a head game. I feel myself losing the mental game, so thought I better get in here. Chat was dead, no good recent posts, so I'm going to talk to myself. Just seems like a constant back and forth between nic screaming that just one won't hurt and my vow to not use to my wife, my group and before God. I just keep going to back to 9PM october 16 - where I quit. My quit is so noble and good, its amazing that there is even any debate or war. And thats where I think nic wins so many times. It'll make us lie to those we love, and certainly in our own heads. I guess thats the ultimate struggle in here and with nic. People often say, "you made a vow", you gave "your word". Well by definition, as addicts, isn't our word pretty much trash already? If we can lie to our spouses, family and friends for decades, do you really think our word to strangers in a quit group has much power? Thats why I think the radical in-your-face extreme quitting is the ONLY way out. Drinking the KTC koolaid isn't an option, its radical and extreme enough to overcome an addicts ability to lie, cheat and steal, even from ourselves. The odds are stacked against us.
Friday was unique, I met and had lunch with a KTC member. The hour and half went by in seconds. Fascinating to meet a quitter. So much of what we say and do here, only belongs here, QLF doesn't mean a lot offline. So meeting someone from here was special because we both knew what QLF and ODAAT meant. Interesting guy and like so many others here, he wanted to get involved and do anything he could help my quit. When people do that in text its one thing when they stand in your face and offer that, its humbling beyond words.
I really like the January Group I'm in but I don't remember there being so many cavers in previous groups. Just seems like every day this past week, poof, another cave. Theres always 1 or 2 per group, but we got 8 per week. Its funny, part of me is sick and tired of the weak excuses and plain ole guys not really even trying. But then, I was one of them, so who am I to judge. But at the same time, seeing so many cavers makes me want to up my game and "not be one of them". Its already a scarlet letter to me, so by helping others be successful after caving, maybe we can take this weakness and actually finish strong, or stronger than those who didn't cave.
I now post roll in my old June Group because I was asked to. It was an odd experience, to post in there. A place I'd left. The June boys certainly showed up and bashed me when i came back here. What really shows their class, is they are now my supporters. If there is anyone who should and could write me off forever, its those guys. The real turning point for me was a post by Bronc, not just bashing or focussed on my failure, the ultimate goal of his rant was if I'd be around for my wife, my kids, etc. How can you disagree with that pure motive. I read this morning about someone bashing Bronc for being a "nazi". I know he is far from that, but he is intense. So is our enemy. Anything less than 110% intense will fail. Don't we all know this by now?
Thats enough rambling for now. Time to eat lunch and start another 4-hour battle in my head of why just-one is unacceptable. I am nervous and doubt my success at times, but that line is drawn and I am quit. So I know its just a matter of time until I can breath or live for 30 seconds without a dip being the center of the world. I just keep picturing a can of poison, and how stupid it is, to long for and want poison that bad. Nic has lost this soul, it just doesn't know yet.
Nice Mark - I dug reading that. True is a good dude. I'm sure you enjoyed lunch. I met a guy in May a month or so back. Only 15 minutes but you're right, it passed in a second.
You talk about cavers which to me is funny because you were one. IMO, I think your head is screwed on right this time and you are here for the final quit. Battle. Kick it in the nuts. Stay strong, you got this.
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Quit Date: May 5, 2014 HOF Speech August 2014 Triple A Brass Ballers
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Mark4
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Oct 26 2014, 02:18 PM
Post #62
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- Done4Me
- Oct 26 2014, 01:17 PM
- Mark4
- Oct 26 2014, 12:32 PM
The second sunday morning, what a head game. I feel myself losing the mental game, so thought I better get in here. Chat was dead, no good recent posts, so I'm going to talk to myself. Just seems like a constant back and forth between nic screaming that just one won't hurt and my vow to not use to my wife, my group and before God. I just keep going to back to 9PM october 16 - where I quit. My quit is so noble and good, its amazing that there is even any debate or war. And thats where I think nic wins so many times. It'll make us lie to those we love, and certainly in our own heads. I guess thats the ultimate struggle in here and with nic. People often say, "you made a vow", you gave "your word". Well by definition, as addicts, isn't our word pretty much trash already? If we can lie to our spouses, family and friends for decades, do you really think our word to strangers in a quit group has much power? Thats why I think the radical in-your-face extreme quitting is the ONLY way out. Drinking the KTC koolaid isn't an option, its radical and extreme enough to overcome an addicts ability to lie, cheat and steal, even from ourselves. The odds are stacked against us.
Friday was unique, I met and had lunch with a KTC member. The hour and half went by in seconds. Fascinating to meet a quitter. So much of what we say and do here, only belongs here, QLF doesn't mean a lot offline. So meeting someone from here was special because we both knew what QLF and ODAAT meant. Interesting guy and like so many others here, he wanted to get involved and do anything he could help my quit. When people do that in text its one thing when they stand in your face and offer that, its humbling beyond words.
I really like the January Group I'm in but I don't remember there being so many cavers in previous groups. Just seems like every day this past week, poof, another cave. Theres always 1 or 2 per group, but we got 8 per week. Its funny, part of me is sick and tired of the weak excuses and plain ole guys not really even trying. But then, I was one of them, so who am I to judge. But at the same time, seeing so many cavers makes me want to up my game and "not be one of them". Its already a scarlet letter to me, so by helping others be successful after caving, maybe we can take this weakness and actually finish strong, or stronger than those who didn't cave.
I now post roll in my old June Group because I was asked to. It was an odd experience, to post in there. A place I'd left. The June boys certainly showed up and bashed me when i came back here. What really shows their class, is they are now my supporters. If there is anyone who should and could write me off forever, its those guys. The real turning point for me was a post by Bronc, not just bashing or focussed on my failure, the ultimate goal of his rant was if I'd be around for my wife, my kids, etc. How can you disagree with that pure motive. I read this morning about someone bashing Bronc for being a "nazi". I know he is far from that, but he is intense. So is our enemy. Anything less than 110% intense will fail. Don't we all know this by now?
Thats enough rambling for now. Time to eat lunch and start another 4-hour battle in my head of why just-one is unacceptable. I am nervous and doubt my success at times, but that line is drawn and I am quit. So I know its just a matter of time until I can breath or live for 30 seconds without a dip being the center of the world. I just keep picturing a can of poison, and how stupid it is, to long for and want poison that bad. Nic has lost this soul, it just doesn't know yet.
Nice Mark - I dug reading that. True is a good dude. I'm sure you enjoyed lunch. I met a guy in May a month or so back. Only 15 minutes but you're right, it passed in a second. You talk about cavers which to me is funny because you were one. IMO, I think your head is screwed on right this time and you are here for the final quit. Battle. Kick it in the nuts. Stay strong, you got this. I know that is weird eh, a caver bitchin about cavers. The difference is, i WAS a caver, just like i WAS TRYING to quit. Now, I am QUIT, period. My point though was, I carry that disgrace still and I don't want to be reminded of it or be lumped in with those who do.
All I can do now is help people who struggled and maybe, be a small part in their recovery. And maybe, even show up each day with a little posse of former cavers who got it and are quit as strong and hard as anyone else. Reading about cavers, in an odd way, strengthens me to push forward and not be that guy ever again. We may have started off badly, but we can damn sure finish strong.
These are the ramblings of a fogged out Quit.
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grizzlyhasclaws
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Oct 26 2014, 02:58 PM
Post #63
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- Mark4
- Oct 26 2014, 02:18 PM
- Done4Me
- Oct 26 2014, 01:17 PM
- Mark4
- Oct 26 2014, 12:32 PM
The second sunday morning, what a head game. I feel myself losing the mental game, so thought I better get in here. Chat was dead, no good recent posts, so I'm going to talk to myself. Just seems like a constant back and forth between nic screaming that just one won't hurt and my vow to not use to my wife, my group and before God. I just keep going to back to 9PM october 16 - where I quit. My quit is so noble and good, its amazing that there is even any debate or war. And thats where I think nic wins so many times. It'll make us lie to those we love, and certainly in our own heads. I guess thats the ultimate struggle in here and with nic. People often say, "you made a vow", you gave "your word". Well by definition, as addicts, isn't our word pretty much trash already? If we can lie to our spouses, family and friends for decades, do you really think our word to strangers in a quit group has much power? Thats why I think the radical in-your-face extreme quitting is the ONLY way out. Drinking the KTC koolaid isn't an option, its radical and extreme enough to overcome an addicts ability to lie, cheat and steal, even from ourselves. The odds are stacked against us.
Friday was unique, I met and had lunch with a KTC member. The hour and half went by in seconds. Fascinating to meet a quitter. So much of what we say and do here, only belongs here, QLF doesn't mean a lot offline. So meeting someone from here was special because we both knew what QLF and ODAAT meant. Interesting guy and like so many others here, he wanted to get involved and do anything he could help my quit. When people do that in text its one thing when they stand in your face and offer that, its humbling beyond words.
I really like the January Group I'm in but I don't remember there being so many cavers in previous groups. Just seems like every day this past week, poof, another cave. Theres always 1 or 2 per group, but we got 8 per week. Its funny, part of me is sick and tired of the weak excuses and plain ole guys not really even trying. But then, I was one of them, so who am I to judge. But at the same time, seeing so many cavers makes me want to up my game and "not be one of them". Its already a scarlet letter to me, so by helping others be successful after caving, maybe we can take this weakness and actually finish strong, or stronger than those who didn't cave.
I now post roll in my old June Group because I was asked to. It was an odd experience, to post in there. A place I'd left. The June boys certainly showed up and bashed me when i came back here. What really shows their class, is they are now my supporters. If there is anyone who should and could write me off forever, its those guys. The real turning point for me was a post by Bronc, not just bashing or focussed on my failure, the ultimate goal of his rant was if I'd be around for my wife, my kids, etc. How can you disagree with that pure motive. I read this morning about someone bashing Bronc for being a "nazi". I know he is far from that, but he is intense. So is our enemy. Anything less than 110% intense will fail. Don't we all know this by now?
Thats enough rambling for now. Time to eat lunch and start another 4-hour battle in my head of why just-one is unacceptable. I am nervous and doubt my success at times, but that line is drawn and I am quit. So I know its just a matter of time until I can breath or live for 30 seconds without a dip being the center of the world. I just keep picturing a can of poison, and how stupid it is, to long for and want poison that bad. Nic has lost this soul, it just doesn't know yet.
Nice Mark - I dug reading that. True is a good dude. I'm sure you enjoyed lunch. I met a guy in May a month or so back. Only 15 minutes but you're right, it passed in a second. You talk about cavers which to me is funny because you were one. IMO, I think your head is screwed on right this time and you are here for the final quit. Battle. Kick it in the nuts. Stay strong, you got this.
I know that is weird eh, a caver bitchin about cavers. The difference is, i WAS a caver, just like i WAS TRYING to quit. Now, I am QUIT, period. My point though was, I carry that disgrace still and I don't want to be reminded of it or be lumped in with those who do. All I can do now is help people who struggled and maybe, be a small part in their recovery. And maybe, even show up each day with a little posse of former cavers who got it and are quit as strong and hard as anyone else. Reading about cavers, in an odd way, strengthens me to push forward and not be that guy ever again. We may have started off badly, but we can damn sure finish strong. These are the ramblings of a fogged out Quit. Keep it up. You sound serious. I like it.
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Proud FFFoQer - February 2014 
Free from dog shit! 
ODAAT & NAFAR
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Bronc
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Nov 4 2014, 11:52 AM
Post #64
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Where all da white women at?
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Marky mark! How's the quit hangin? Man, when you need to talk and chat is dead, don't hesitate to ping your brothers via text. It works. It helps. It's why you have our numbers. Be good and kick ass! Proud of you.
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"This is not a try and try again system." ~ Duathman “Until you want to quit as badly as you wanted to breathe, you’ll never be successful. It has to be the single most important thing in your life to the exclusion of all other distractions. When you can achieve that, you will not only be quit, you will remain quit.” “If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything is ready, we shall never begin.” - Ivan Turgenev
Quit Date: 3/14/2014 HOF Group: June 2014 Quitters I've met in person: BBJ, AppleJacks, BretLees, Zeno, ZillahCowboy, Sixer, SirDerek, 2mch2lv4, Mike McCarmo44, Luby, Rocketman, Keddy, dforbes, kdip, theo3wood, Sporticus, MonsterEMT, Sam83, BaitBanjo, Boelker63, Scowick, Hydro, LancefromSD, BigWhiteBeast, Chewie, TCope, MN_Ben, RC, Cbird, TXTaco1, QuitSpit, Cavman, BTDogboy, CLampy, ChrisTKE, Basshaug, THansen, Greenspidey, Cmark, 30YrAddict, Wastepanel, E&CsDad, Franpro Introduction:
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Mark4
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Nov 4 2014, 04:07 PM
Post #65
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Skoal Monster 11 minutes ago Member Avatar pro bowl whore [ * * * * * * * * * * ] Posts: 4,572 Group: Members Member #6,412 Joined: January 27, 2009 Mark4 Nov 4 2014, 01:28 PM I was enjoying some smooth sailing with manageable symptoms. So on Saturday, I thought it was cool to accept an invite to the Texas A&M Game on Saturday in their new stadium. We had amazing seats, Row 2, not Row 2 of a certain deck, but just Row 2! It was awesome. Nic had been busy screaming for some attention as usual, but I got this. We got some food and sat down in these awesome seats, and something happened, I suddenly start feeling the nic attack set on strong. Worse and worse. No one around me knew what was going on, but I was losing it inside and clinging to the truths I’ve learned here but I got to be honest, I was losing the mental war. I got my phone out and was ready to text if it got any worse.
About that time I get a text from TrueToMyself asking if my word was good today. What timing! He had no idea how much that helped. I was surrounded by 130,000 people and my quit bro was the only person that mattered to me in that moment. I kept my cool and we texted for like an hour. I can’t help but think, here I am at my team’s game, in some amazing football seats, at a televised SEC game with all the trappings of good college football, and I’m not even paying attention. I’m hammering texts on my phone to a bro reminding me that getting a dip isn’t going change anything about the game or me, and that I better not go back on my word to him that morning. He helped me relocate/build my quit spine and remember whats true, all because he took some time to check on me. I owe ya bro!
That night, I just got furious at the Kodiak Bear that I had given the past 30 years to. All this shit I’m going though, the detox, withdrawing and mind games, it still isn’t enough; it ruined a great game for no reason. This stuff just keeps pissing me off more and more and I’m determined to NEVER let it ruin another moment. I’ve got a long ways to go before I can relax any, but with each day, I get stronger. Your time is about up bitch.
Texas A&M won the game. Nic lost hers. Thanks True.
This is the way the site is SUPPOSED TO WORK. Bad ass TrueToMysel, and well done to both of you.
Keep looking out for each other
keep weaving a web of accountability around yourselves
The trick to craves is not to fight them. Take note that your craving, identify what triggered it, take a big deep breath, and move the fuck on with your life. Embrace the Suck It is the price you pay to win your life back.
A crave lasts, on average less than 7 minutes. Any dumbass can distract him or herself for 7 minutes. Try paddleball, weasel tossing, giving nickels to strippers, painting by numbers, crank calling US Tobacco, ANYTHING. Then Rinse . Lather. Repeat.
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Mark4
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Nov 4 2014, 04:13 PM
Post #66
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- Bronc
- Nov 4 2014, 11:52 AM
Marky mark! How's the quit hangin? Man, when you need to talk and chat is dead, don't hesitate to ping your brothers via text. It works. It helps. It's why you have our numbers. Be good and kick ass! Proud of you. Well, up and down, past few days were good, then this weekend sucked. Oh I do text, but there is something about sitting in chat with Okie and Jeep and far too many homosexual references that just kills time.
but thanks bro, proud to be quit with you.
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txtaco1
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Nov 4 2014, 07:36 PM
Post #67
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If i saw that correctly our quits were just about the same time. I thing I spit out my last dip of poison at 702pm CST October 16th too... Like 2hrs depending on where your at!
I dug reading your intro, I hope that we're both here chatting in 32,752 days in! I quit with you today, like a BOSS! flame1
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[big]Keep calm and stay quit...[/big]
"They fucking searched for Charlie because if Charlie found them first, they would just be memories. That's why they slept back to back. Pursue your quit like they pursued Charlie. Just because you can't see your enemy doesn't mean you won." - wastepanel
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Done4Me
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Nov 4 2014, 10:23 PM
Post #68
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Mark, keep it up dude. You're killing it . DO NOT STOP BEING VOCAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Evidence, go read Mayhem. Talk about a band of brothers. Take it upon yourself to keep the conversation going in January. You guys/gals are off to an awesome start. Push it. Even after 100 days push the conversation. You will never regret it.
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Quit Date: May 5, 2014 HOF Speech August 2014 Triple A Brass Ballers
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Mark4
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Nov 5 2014, 09:55 AM
Post #69
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- txtaco1
- Nov 4 2014, 07:36 PM
If i saw that correctly our quits were just about the same time. I thing I spit out my last dip of poison at 702pm CST October 16th too... Like 2hrs depending on where your at! I dug reading your intro, I hope that we're both here chatting in 32,752 days in! I quit with you today, like a BOSS! flame1 I quit at 9PM CST, so you are the older wiser quitter, lol.
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Done4Me
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Nov 5 2014, 12:40 PM
Post #70
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- mogul
- Mar 25 2014, 01:17 AM
Mark, this intro is severely inspiring. Please stick around and let us know what is happening. Your words will help those who follow. Proud to be quit with ya.
Mogul Bump for merge
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Quit Date: May 5, 2014 HOF Speech August 2014 Triple A Brass Ballers
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Nolaq
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Nov 5 2014, 03:08 PM
Post #71
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The beatings will continue until morale improves...
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Merged.
Own this.
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Posting Roll is not a burden. It is a privilege.
My Intro
My HOF speech.
Marines! Go to Tun Tavern.
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Bronc
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Nov 5 2014, 04:31 PM
Post #72
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Where all da white women at?
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- Mark4
- Nov 4 2014, 04:13 PM
- Bronc
- Nov 4 2014, 11:52 AM
Marky mark! How's the quit hangin? Man, when you need to talk and chat is dead, don't hesitate to ping your brothers via text. It works. It helps. It's why you have our numbers. Be good and kick ass! Proud of you.
Well, up and down, past few days were good, then this weekend sucked. Oh I do text, but there is something about sitting in chat with Okie and Jeep and far too many homosexual references that just kills time. but thanks bro, proud to be quit with you. chat is about one of the most underrated tools we have on here. Sitting there making ghey insinuations with a bunch of dudes you don't know is some kind of fantastic nic quit therapy. I know I camped out there for about the first 60 days of my quit non-stop. I felt fortunate because I got to meet up with a whole bunch of old timers on there and they got me to post on their pages....even when I was just a couple weeks into my quit. It helped me broaden my quitwork to more than just our June group. You're doing awesome Mark. Keep it up. Ping Nate would ya? Nate Mcpherson. He's a real good dude.
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"This is not a try and try again system." ~ Duathman “Until you want to quit as badly as you wanted to breathe, you’ll never be successful. It has to be the single most important thing in your life to the exclusion of all other distractions. When you can achieve that, you will not only be quit, you will remain quit.” “If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything is ready, we shall never begin.” - Ivan Turgenev
Quit Date: 3/14/2014 HOF Group: June 2014 Quitters I've met in person: BBJ, AppleJacks, BretLees, Zeno, ZillahCowboy, Sixer, SirDerek, 2mch2lv4, Mike McCarmo44, Luby, Rocketman, Keddy, dforbes, kdip, theo3wood, Sporticus, MonsterEMT, Sam83, BaitBanjo, Boelker63, Scowick, Hydro, LancefromSD, BigWhiteBeast, Chewie, TCope, MN_Ben, RC, Cbird, TXTaco1, QuitSpit, Cavman, BTDogboy, CLampy, ChrisTKE, Basshaug, THansen, Greenspidey, Cmark, 30YrAddict, Wastepanel, E&CsDad, Franpro Introduction:
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Mark4
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Nov 12 2014, 03:57 PM
Post #73
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- Bronc
- Nov 5 2014, 04:31 PM
- Mark4
- Nov 4 2014, 04:13 PM
- Bronc
- Nov 4 2014, 11:52 AM
Marky mark! How's the quit hangin? Man, when you need to talk and chat is dead, don't hesitate to ping your brothers via text. It works. It helps. It's why you have our numbers. Be good and kick ass! Proud of you.
Well, up and down, past few days were good, then this weekend sucked. Oh I do text, but there is something about sitting in chat with Okie and Jeep and far too many homosexual references that just kills time. but thanks bro, proud to be quit with you.
chat is about one of the most underrated tools we have on here. Sitting there making ghey insinuations with a bunch of dudes you don't know is some kind of fantastic nic quit therapy. I know I camped out there for about the first 60 days of my quit non-stop. I felt fortunate because I got to meet up with a whole bunch of old timers on there and they got me to post on their pages....even when I was just a couple weeks into my quit. It helped me broaden my quitwork to more than just our June group. You're doing awesome Mark. Keep it up. Ping Nate would ya? Nate Mcpherson. He's a real good dude. There are things I am avoiding as known triggers, one of them is the movies. Being a tiny ways into this, I went to the movies to see Intersteller this weekend. About 30 minutes into it, all the while continually amazed there was actual coke in my large cup, and not spit, I started feeling really weird. I guess you could call it a panic attack. Wasn't the usual symptoms, just like uneasy panic. I didn't know whether to leave or stay or scream. Rather frightening. I recalled reading that panic attacks may happen as your brain rewires and learns to deal with life without nic. I just kept telling my self that. But it hit me hard, I finally went to the bathroom, thinking I was about to puke. I missed about an hour of the movie by the time this all played out.
No great wisdom or learning came from this, just pissed and sad, that this bitch is still stealing things from me. I can't even go to a freakin movie thanks to nic. I don't say this defeated, it just pisses me off more that I am an addict. But I do know this was a small step to getting back to where I can go see a simple flick. I am forever amazed as I go through this, at what all nicotine has really stolen from my life.
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Mark4
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Nov 12 2014, 03:58 PM
Post #74
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There are things I am avoiding as known triggers, one of them is the movies. Being a tiny ways into this, I went to the movies to see Intersteller this weekend. About 30 minutes into it, all the while continually amazed there was actual coke in my large cup, and not spit, I started feeling really weird. I guess you could call it a panic attack. Wasn't the usual symptoms, just like uneasy panic. I didn't know whether to leave or stay or scream. Rather frightening. I recalled reading that panic attacks may happen as your brain rewires and learns to deal with life without nic. I just kept telling my self that. But it hit me hard, I finally went to the bathroom, thinking I was about to puke. I missed about an hour of the movie by the time this all played out.
No great wisdom or learning came from this, just pissed and sad, that this bitch is still stealing things from me. I can't even go to a freakin movie thanks to nic. I don't say this defeated, it just pisses me off more that I am an addict. But I do know this was a small step to getting back to where I can go see a simple flick. I am forever amazed as I go through this, at what all nicotine has really stolen from my life.
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Thumblewort
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Nov 12 2014, 04:05 PM
Post #75
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- #22,112
- Joined:
- March 6, 2014
- Quit Date
- April 4, 2014
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- Mark4
- Nov 12 2014, 03:58 PM
There are things I am avoiding as known triggers, one of them is the movies. Being a tiny ways into this, I went to the movies to see Intersteller this weekend. About 30 minutes into it, all the while continually amazed there was actual coke in my large cup, and not spit, I started feeling really weird. I guess you could call it a panic attack. Wasn't the usual symptoms, just like uneasy panic. I didn't know whether to leave or stay or scream. Rather frightening. I recalled reading that panic attacks may happen as your brain rewires and learns to deal with life without nic. I just kept telling my self that. But it hit me hard, I finally went to the bathroom, thinking I was about to puke. I missed about an hour of the movie by the time this all played out.
No great wisdom or learning came from this, just pissed and sad, that this bitch is still stealing things from me. I can't even go to a freakin movie thanks to nic. I don't say this defeated, it just pisses me off more that I am an addict. But I do know this was a small step to getting back to where I can go see a simple flick. I am forever amazed as I go through this, at what all nicotine has really stolen from my life. Movies were always a big trigger for me, mainly due to any movie I have seen in the theater lately is a kids flick and I am ready to hang myself. But getting angry looks for moms as I packed a lipper and spit into a cup inches from little Suzie Loo-hoo are a thing of the past, and will be for you as well. You saw a movie and didn't chew, I call that a win!
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