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Mark4; Take 2
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Topic Started: Mar 11 2014, 04:27 PM (2,891 Views)
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Derk40
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Mar 24 2014, 06:10 PM
Post #31
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- Posts:
- 6,805
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- Members
- Member
- #19,084
- Joined:
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- Mark4
- Mar 24, 2014, 5:04 pm
10 freakin days!!! I can't believe it! My best quit in all my life was 10 hours long. I can't say I feel all that much better although the detox is letting up some with those symptoms. But that is now replaced with a mental war - the addiction. And the addiction has its own set of nasty symptoms.
I've mostly given up using sun flower seeds, fake dip and candy. 24/7 on sunflower seeds helped but I think I'm in a salt coma now. Fake dip had a purpose but the act of using fake dip just felt too much like "dipping" and keeping my body conditioned to using that crap, even just the routine of dipping. I want my head rewired as soon as possible.
For me, the most effective anti-craves are the texts throughout the day and hanging in chat. Just being around other people who been there - done that. I like joking around in chat, but frankly, through the jokes, is me just trying to make it through another hour and day and keeping the promise. As cbird often says - white knuckling it.
Fog and rage are a major thing now, it impacts work performance, it makes me sluggish and generally stupid. The only upside is, fog sort of feels like a margarita buzz. When that rage hits, I just keep remembering what I read here, i took my body's "binky" away and its pissed. Just knowing that helps deal with rage and anger.
I had the opportunity to meet a vet this weekend who happens to live a stone's throw from me, and that was awesome. He is approaching 1,000 days and missed posting roll just once, man what a vet. But he was also humble and knew he'd never be free of the addiction. I was nervous about letting someone from here get that close to my real life - but a retread addict like me needs that. No one here can get too far "in my business" when it comes to this. I'm done ninja dipping, and ninja living.
Mark, when you read this back to yourself: remember these pathetic, embarrassing and terrible days and never ever CHOOSE to do this again. The only way you repeat this is by choice. Nicotine has stolen too much from you, your wife, your kids and your career, no more.
Believe it bro! I do... You are quit 10 days. That is money! Anything of value is never just given away. Your freedom from the nic B is worth every bit of this fight. Every bit! Keep at it and let's finish out this day quit.
Proud to be quit with you today.
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Quit date: 6/23/2013 HOF Date: 9/30/2013
HOF Speech
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slug.go
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Mar 24 2014, 07:14 PM
Post #32
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Two quit days behind Mr. Horny
- Posts:
- 9,380
- Group:
- Members
- Member
- #21,271
- Joined:
- January 6, 2014
- Quit Date
- 1/23/14
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- derk40
- Mar 24, 2014, 4:10 pm
- Mark4
- Mar 24, 2014, 5:04 pm
10 freakin days!!! I can't believe it! My best quit in all my life was 10 hours long. I can't say I feel all that much better although the detox is letting up some with those symptoms. But that is now replaced with a mental war - the addiction. And the addiction has its own set of nasty symptoms.
I've mostly given up using sun flower seeds, fake dip and candy. 24/7 on sunflower seeds helped but I think I'm in a salt coma now. Fake dip had a purpose but the act of using fake dip just felt too much like "dipping" and keeping my body conditioned to using that crap, even just the routine of dipping. I want my head rewired as soon as possible.
For me, the most effective anti-craves are the texts throughout the day and hanging in chat. Just being around other people who been there - done that. I like joking around in chat, but frankly, through the jokes, is me just trying to make it through another hour and day and keeping the promise. As cbird often says - white knuckling it.
Fog and rage are a major thing now, it impacts work performance, it makes me sluggish and generally stupid. The only upside is, fog sort of feels like a margarita buzz. When that rage hits, I just keep remembering what I read here, i took my body's "binky" away and its pissed. Just knowing that helps deal with rage and anger.
I had the opportunity to meet a vet this weekend who happens to live a stone's throw from me, and that was awesome. He is approaching 1,000 days and missed posting roll just once, man what a vet. But he was also humble and knew he'd never be free of the addiction. I was nervous about letting someone from here get that close to my real life - but a retread addict like me needs that. No one here can get too far "in my business" when it comes to this. I'm done ninja dipping, and ninja living.
Mark, when you read this back to yourself: remember these pathetic, embarrassing and terrible days and never ever CHOOSE to do this again. The only way you repeat this is by choice. Nicotine has stolen too much from you, your wife, your kids and your career, no more.
Believe it bro! I do... You are quit 10 days. That is money! Anything of value is never just given away. Your freedom from the nic B is worth every bit of this fight. Every bit! Keep at it and let's finish out this day quit. Proud to be quit with you today.
Mark, You're on fairly solid ground this time around, just don't let your guard down. Use my # anytime you need to.
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Donate to the 'FREE Lipi and TW' Legal Defense Fund and Blissful Krusty agrees with me. WWJGD? I never finish anyth I put the laughter in manslaughter
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Scowick65
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Mar 24 2014, 07:20 PM
Post #33
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- Posts:
- 16,137
- Group:
- Moderators (Retired)
- Member
- #10,096
- Joined:
- December 29, 2010
- Quit Date
- 12/11/2010
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- slug.go
- Mar 24, 2014, 7:14 pm
- derk40
- Mar 24, 2014, 4:10 pm
- Mark4
- Mar 24, 2014, 5:04 pm
10 freakin days!!! I can't believe it! My best quit in all my life was 10 hours long. I can't say I feel all that much better although the detox is letting up some with those symptoms. But that is now replaced with a mental war - the addiction. And the addiction has its own set of nasty symptoms.
I've mostly given up using sun flower seeds, fake dip and candy. 24/7 on sunflower seeds helped but I think I'm in a salt coma now. Fake dip had a purpose but the act of using fake dip just felt too much like "dipping" and keeping my body conditioned to using that crap, even just the routine of dipping. I want my head rewired as soon as possible.
For me, the most effective anti-craves are the texts throughout the day and hanging in chat. Just being around other people who been there - done that. I like joking around in chat, but frankly, through the jokes, is me just trying to make it through another hour and day and keeping the promise. As cbird often says - white knuckling it.
Fog and rage are a major thing now, it impacts work performance, it makes me sluggish and generally stupid. The only upside is, fog sort of feels like a margarita buzz. When that rage hits, I just keep remembering what I read here, i took my body's "binky" away and its pissed. Just knowing that helps deal with rage and anger.
I had the opportunity to meet a vet this weekend who happens to live a stone's throw from me, and that was awesome. He is approaching 1,000 days and missed posting roll just once, man what a vet. But he was also humble and knew he'd never be free of the addiction. I was nervous about letting someone from here get that close to my real life - but a retread addict like me needs that. No one here can get too far "in my business" when it comes to this. I'm done ninja dipping, and ninja living.
Mark, when you read this back to yourself: remember these pathetic, embarrassing and terrible days and never ever CHOOSE to do this again. The only way you repeat this is by choice. Nicotine has stolen too much from you, your wife, your kids and your career, no more.
Believe it bro! I do... You are quit 10 days. That is money! Anything of value is never just given away. Your freedom from the nic B is worth every bit of this fight. Every bit! Keep at it and let's finish out this day quit. Proud to be quit with you today.
Mark, You're on fairly solid ground this time around, just don't let your guard down. Use my # anytime you need to.
You have kicked her ass for ten days. Nice. Focus on one day at a time. You will be amazed how the days can rack up! Nice work.
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1 Problem + Nicotine = 2 Problems "Cavers find a way to cave. Quitters find a way to quit" ~ 30
Post with March 2011 Day 2,600: 1/22/2018 Day 0,001: 12/11/2010
HOF Speach: I am not a unique and special butterfly
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Bronc
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Mar 24 2014, 09:48 PM
Post #34
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Where all da white women at?
- Posts:
- 8,196
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- Members
- Member
- #22,156
- Joined:
- March 9, 2014
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Proud to be quit with you Mark!
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"This is not a try and try again system." ~ Duathman “Until you want to quit as badly as you wanted to breathe, you’ll never be successful. It has to be the single most important thing in your life to the exclusion of all other distractions. When you can achieve that, you will not only be quit, you will remain quit.” “If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything is ready, we shall never begin.” - Ivan Turgenev
Quit Date: 3/14/2014 HOF Group: June 2014 Quitters I've met in person: BBJ, AppleJacks, BretLees, Zeno, ZillahCowboy, Sixer, SirDerek, 2mch2lv4, Mike McCarmo44, Luby, Rocketman, Keddy, dforbes, kdip, theo3wood, Sporticus, MonsterEMT, Sam83, BaitBanjo, Boelker63, Scowick, Hydro, LancefromSD, BigWhiteBeast, Chewie, TCope, MN_Ben, RC, Cbird, TXTaco1, QuitSpit, Cavman, BTDogboy, CLampy, ChrisTKE, Basshaug, THansen, Greenspidey, Cmark, 30YrAddict, Wastepanel, E&CsDad, Franpro Introduction:
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Raider
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Mar 25 2014, 12:23 AM
Post #35
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- Posts:
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- Members
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- Joined:
- February 28, 2014
- Quit Date
- 28 Feb, 2014
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- Scowick65
- Mar 24, 2014, 6:20 pm
- slug.go
- Mar 24, 2014, 7:14 pm
- derk40
- Mar 24, 2014, 4:10 pm
- Mark4
- Mar 24, 2014, 5:04 pm
10 freakin days!!! I can't believe it! My best quit in all my life was 10 hours long. I can't say I feel all that much better although the detox is letting up some with those symptoms. But that is now replaced with a mental war - the addiction. And the addiction has its own set of nasty symptoms.
I've mostly given up using sun flower seeds, fake dip and candy. 24/7 on sunflower seeds helped but I think I'm in a salt coma now. Fake dip had a purpose but the act of using fake dip just felt too much like "dipping" and keeping my body conditioned to using that crap, even just the routine of dipping. I want my head rewired as soon as possible.
For me, the most effective anti-craves are the texts throughout the day and hanging in chat. Just being around other people who been there - done that. I like joking around in chat, but frankly, through the jokes, is me just trying to make it through another hour and day and keeping the promise. As cbird often says - white knuckling it.
Fog and rage are a major thing now, it impacts work performance, it makes me sluggish and generally stupid. The only upside is, fog sort of feels like a margarita buzz. When that rage hits, I just keep remembering what I read here, i took my body's "binky" away and its pissed. Just knowing that helps deal with rage and anger.
I had the opportunity to meet a vet this weekend who happens to live a stone's throw from me, and that was awesome. He is approaching 1,000 days and missed posting roll just once, man what a vet. But he was also humble and knew he'd never be free of the addiction. I was nervous about letting someone from here get that close to my real life - but a retread addict like me needs that. No one here can get too far "in my business" when it comes to this. I'm done ninja dipping, and ninja living.
Mark, when you read this back to yourself: remember these pathetic, embarrassing and terrible days and never ever CHOOSE to do this again. The only way you repeat this is by choice. Nicotine has stolen too much from you, your wife, your kids and your career, no more.
Believe it bro! I do... You are quit 10 days. That is money! Anything of value is never just given away. Your freedom from the nic B is worth every bit of this fight. Every bit! Keep at it and let's finish out this day quit. Proud to be quit with you today.
Mark, You're on fairly solid ground this time around, just don't let your guard down. Use my # anytime you need to.
You have kicked her ass for ten days. Nice. Focus on one day at a time. You will be amazed how the days can rack up! Nice work.
Glad you are on track. 10 days is great. I'm only 15 ahead of you and I feel great. The fog and funk suck but stick with it and then you will feel the total freedom. Stay strong and stay quit. It's awesome. Proud to be quit with you.
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Today, I quit!!!
Quit Date: 28 Feb, 2014 HOF Date: 7 June, 2014 My HOF Speech "The minute you really think you have the nic bitch by the balls is when she's gonna strike. Posting roll takes a moment. Answering the 3 questions and reengaging with a new group will take a lot longer, Guarandamnteed. "
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mogul
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Mar 25 2014, 01:17 AM
Post #36
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- HOF Train Conductors - Retired
- Member
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- November 3, 2013
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Mark, this intro is severely inspiring. Please stick around and let us know what is happening. Your words will help those who follow. Proud to be quit with ya.
Mogul
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Make the Decision
quit 11/1/2013 HOF 2/8/2014
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Mark4
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Oct 16 2014, 04:04 PM
Post #37
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- Posts:
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- Members
- Member
- #22,142
- Joined:
- March 7, 2014
- Quit Date
- 10/16/2014
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I was in a quit group earlier this year and well, it was a complete disaster. I wanted it so bad. But right off the bat, a few days into it, I caved. Then a few weeks later, I ended up asked my quit group to just drop me all together. I was still quit at this point. They put up a fight, but I had made up my mind. Amazing guys. I've read their HoF letters today. Could have been me...
This all happened prior to and during the course of my short quit, my life and company all crashed down around me. I regretted having to do this. But no one would understand unless you have had to ride a large company down in flames. To be blunt, it got so bad that my quit was no longer a priority - couldn't be. A quit takes everything, and I no longer had that to give. I simply couldn't handle the demands of both. I was infuriated when someone said I was a " half-assed quit". I gave it my all and tried so hard. I said, believed, and tried, to do the right things throughout all that, but in the end, my efforts went down in flames too. Anyway, in time and on my own with this, I did cave, along with everything else. I'd have never started a quit had I known what was coming.
So, why am I here now boring you with all this? I refuse to give up and surrender to this. Realizing I probably burned the KTC bridge, I looked elsewhere at other sites and tried other ways of quitting and well - they just don't work. Chalk up more bodily abuse. So last week I reached out to someone from KTC who told me back then, that when I was ready, to look him up. So I did. We spoke for a while and he urged me to man-up and face the music and get back here to KTC, because this is really the only way to actually quit, and I do believe that. He advised me to post an Intro.
It's been a week since he told me to do that. I delayed because I had to understand this and looking at what I did and what happened and how I handled it. I've read my posts from back then and see the right words being said, but wrong actions. Its so FUBAR, I almost didn't do this and gave up. Its so frustrating because I know this is the how to do it, and I've blown it.
As I've wrestled with all this, what finally dawned on me was, what if life hadn't of collapsed and I had made it the first time and celebrated my 100th day... What happens 5 years from now when life punches me in the face hard enough? The same thing, I'd probably cave out of necessity or some other "good reason".
I'd cave because I had stopped but wasn't truly quit. I'm still recovering from that disaster, and this is VERY difficult to say, but yeah, that one terrible thing that justified any drastic action, in light of being an addict, WAS an excuse. I chose to not reach out when it got bad because it was all intensely personal. But that sort of cut my own throat. I didn't handle this well, who is prepared for that? I pray I never go through that again. But the problem wasn't what happened, it was me and this quit. My quit was a needless loss amongst all my losses. The Kodiak Bear made my symptoms go away to get through all that - but now has a new lease on my soul. What I've realized is, on Day 1 or Day 5,250, you are either quit or you aren't. It's not a work in progress. Oh I was quit (stopped) but when total chaos, meltdown, fear and panic set in, all bets were off. When, not if, "something" happens, my frame of reference is critical. How you handle that worst-case thing all depends on if I have quit, or just stopped. All this rocked my marriage, but I didn't bail on my wife. We made it through because my reference was; I made a vow to her. It wasn't up for debate or conditional. And here we are - stronger. With dipping, here I am, weaker. I lost big-time.
Quitting was a verb to me, something you are doing and working on really hard and it has its good days and bad. I was quitting hard as I could, which means the quit is subject to how things are. But it's really a noun - that specific point where it ends - without exception. I'm an intelligent guy, but I feel like an idiot just now understanding this, especially as one who should know better. Maybe everyone else got that on day one, I didn't. The pathetic realization is, all that horrible nastiness was in fact, excuses. My previous quit wasn't half-assed - it was total ass. Doomed on day 1. I had no business being in any KTC group.
This is no joy to come here and write this, it's embarrassing and humiliating, and just stirs up reminders of the worst days in my life. But I don't care, I'm not going to roll over and give Kodiak the next few decades too. I'm dead serious and pissed off. Along with everything else I lost, I also lost precious ground I had won over nicotine, which means it gets to rip my body apart AGAIN as I start withdrawals over. Which also pisses me off and I hate that.
I may be a retread, but honestly, it's my first time to QUIT - Noun. I QUIT last night at 9PM - No more excuses, good reasons, retreads, or dropouts. If my face gets kicked in again, it doesn't change that fact I am finally Quit. What am I doing about it? I had the disgusting joy of sharing my addiction with my employees and asked them to help and protect me while I was mentally checked out, hanging out in addicts chatrooms, straining and fogged up. That covers that excuse. That leaves me with finding a group who knows this beast and will remind me often of my Quit, the noun. I need you more than you need me. So I ask if I can be a part of KTC again, dedicated with the right reference this time. If you'd prefer I leave, I respect that and will be on my way. Thanks for enduring this long post.
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Raider
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Oct 16 2014, 04:39 PM
Post #38
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- Posts:
- 4,346
- Group:
- Members
- Member
- #22,021
- Joined:
- February 28, 2014
- Quit Date
- 28 Feb, 2014
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- Mark4
- Oct 16 2014, 04:04 PM
I was in a quit group earlier this year and well, it was a complete disaster. I wanted it so bad. But right off the bat, a few days into it, I caved. Then a few weeks later, I ended up asked my quit group to just drop me all together. I was still quit at this point. They put up a fight, but I had made up my mind. Amazing guys. I've read their HoF letters today. Could have been me...
This all happened prior to and during the course of my short quit, my life and company all crashed down around me. I regretted having to do this. But no one would understand unless you have had to ride a large company down in flames. To be blunt, it got so bad that my quit was no longer a priority - couldn't be. A quit takes everything, and I no longer had that to give. I simply couldn't handle the demands of both. I was infuriated when someone said I was a " half-assed quit". I gave it my all and tried so hard. I said, believed, and tried, to do the right things throughout all that, but in the end, my efforts went down in flames too. Anyway, in time and on my own with this, I did cave, along with everything else. I'd have never started a quit had I known what was coming.
So, why am I here now boring you with all this? I refuse to give up and surrender to this. Realizing I probably burned the KTC bridge, I looked elsewhere at other sites and tried other ways of quitting and well - they just don't work. Chalk up more bodily abuse. So last week I reached out to someone from KTC who told me back then, that when I was ready, to look him up. So I did. We spoke for a while and he urged me to man-up and face the music and get back here to KTC, because this is really the only way to actually quit, and I do believe that. He advised me to post an Intro.
It's been a week since he told me to do that. I delayed because I had to understand this and looking at what I did and what happened and how I handled it. I've read my posts from back then and see the right words being said, but wrong actions. Its so FUBAR, I almost didn't do this and gave up. Its so frustrating because I know this is the how to do it, and I've blown it.
As I've wrestled with all this, what finally dawned on me was, what if life hadn't of collapsed and I had made it the first time and celebrated my 100th day... What happens 5 years from now when life punches me in the face hard enough? The same thing, I'd probably cave out of necessity or some other "good reason".
I'd cave because I had stopped but wasn't truly quit. I'm still recovering from that disaster, and this is VERY difficult to say, but yeah, that one terrible thing that justified any drastic action, in light of being an addict, WAS an excuse. I chose to not reach out when it got bad because it was all intensely personal. But that sort of cut my own throat. I didn't handle this well, who is prepared for that? I pray I never go through that again. But the problem wasn't what happened, it was me and this quit. My quit was a needless loss amongst all my losses. The Kodiak Bear made my symptoms go away to get through all that - but now has a new lease on my soul. What I've realized is, on Day 1 or Day 5,250, you are either quit or you aren't. It's not a work in progress. Oh I was quit (stopped) but when total chaos, meltdown, fear and panic set in, all bets were off. When, not if, "something" happens, my frame of reference is critical. How you handle that worst-case thing all depends on if I have quit, or just stopped. All this rocked my marriage, but I didn't bail on my wife. We made it through because my reference was; I made a vow to her. It wasn't up for debate or conditional. And here we are - stronger. With dipping, here I am, weaker. I lost big-time.
Quitting was a verb to me, something you are doing and working on really hard and it has its good days and bad. I was quitting hard as I could, which means the quit is subject to how things are. But it's really a noun - that specific point where it ends - without exception. I'm an intelligent guy, but I feel like an idiot just now understanding this, especially as one who should know better. Maybe everyone else got that on day one, I didn't. The pathetic realization is, all that horrible nastiness was in fact, excuses. My previous quit wasn't half-assed - it was total ass. Doomed on day 1. I had no business being in any KTC group.
This is no joy to come here and write this, it's embarrassing and humiliating, and just stirs up reminders of the worst days in my life. But I don't care, I'm not going to roll over and give Kodiak the next few decades too. I'm dead serious and pissed off. Along with everything else I lost, I also lost precious ground I had won over nicotine, which means it gets to rip my body apart AGAIN as I start withdrawals over. Which also pisses me off and I hate that.
I may be a retread, but honestly, it's my first time to QUIT - Noun. I QUIT last night at 9PM - No more excuses, good reasons, retreads, or dropouts. If my face gets kicked in again, it doesn't change that fact I am finally Quit. What am I doing about it? I had the disgusting joy of sharing my addiction with my employees and asked them to help and protect me while I was mentally checked out, hanging out in addicts chatrooms, straining and fogged up. That covers that excuse. That leaves me with finding a group who knows this beast and will remind me often of my Quit, the noun. I need you more than you need me. So I ask if I can be a part of KTC again, dedicated with the right reference this time. If you'd prefer I leave, I respect that and will be on my way. Thanks for enduring this long post.
Looks like you answered the What and Why but one questions remains. What are you going to do differently? I went back through some of our PM's just now. Did you read your original Intro? http://forum.killthecan.org/topic/1011410/1/
I'm sure a Mod or Admin will take care of merging them.
You gotta get involved here. I am on Day 231 and have posted roll 100% of the time. Some days I am on here for a few minutes but other days I am here for a few hours. Helping others helps me. Posting Roll Works!! I know you had a lot of shit go on before but most of us have had some sort of shit happen, Death of a family member, illness, loss of jobs, etc. Diving back into the can got you absolutely nowhere.
Get involved, get digits, get back on track and keep that shit out of your mouth. You know that you are gonna catch holy hell like you did before. Be honest with us but mostly, be honest with yourself.
So what is the answer to "What are you going to do differently?"
Post all this in June 2014 and Jan 2015, your new quit group if they will have ya.
Edited by Raider, Oct 16 2014, 04:41 PM.
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Today, I quit!!!
Quit Date: 28 Feb, 2014 HOF Date: 7 June, 2014 My HOF Speech "The minute you really think you have the nic bitch by the balls is when she's gonna strike. Posting roll takes a moment. Answering the 3 questions and reengaging with a new group will take a lot longer, Guarandamnteed. "
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landdon
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Oct 16 2014, 04:45 PM
Post #39
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- Posts:
- 2,068
- Group:
- HOF Train Conductors - Retired
- Member
- #23,881
- Joined:
- June 18, 2014
- Quit Date
- 6/18/2014
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- Raider
- Oct 16 2014, 04:39 PM
- Mark4
- Oct 16 2014, 04:04 PM
I was in a quit group earlier this year and well, it was a complete disaster. I wanted it so bad. But right off the bat, a few days into it, I caved. Then a few weeks later, I ended up asked my quit group to just drop me all together. I was still quit at this point. They put up a fight, but I had made up my mind. Amazing guys. I've read their HoF letters today. Could have been me...
This all happened prior to and during the course of my short quit, my life and company all crashed down around me. I regretted having to do this. But no one would understand unless you have had to ride a large company down in flames. To be blunt, it got so bad that my quit was no longer a priority - couldn't be. A quit takes everything, and I no longer had that to give. I simply couldn't handle the demands of both. I was infuriated when someone said I was a " half-assed quit". I gave it my all and tried so hard. I said, believed, and tried, to do the right things throughout all that, but in the end, my efforts went down in flames too. Anyway, in time and on my own with this, I did cave, along with everything else. I'd have never started a quit had I known what was coming.
So, why am I here now boring you with all this? I refuse to give up and surrender to this. Realizing I probably burned the KTC bridge, I looked elsewhere at other sites and tried other ways of quitting and well - they just don't work. Chalk up more bodily abuse. So last week I reached out to someone from KTC who told me back then, that when I was ready, to look him up. So I did. We spoke for a while and he urged me to man-up and face the music and get back here to KTC, because this is really the only way to actually quit, and I do believe that. He advised me to post an Intro.
It's been a week since he told me to do that. I delayed because I had to understand this and looking at what I did and what happened and how I handled it. I've read my posts from back then and see the right words being said, but wrong actions. Its so FUBAR, I almost didn't do this and gave up. Its so frustrating because I know this is the how to do it, and I've blown it.
As I've wrestled with all this, what finally dawned on me was, what if life hadn't of collapsed and I had made it the first time and celebrated my 100th day... What happens 5 years from now when life punches me in the face hard enough? The same thing, I'd probably cave out of necessity or some other "good reason".
I'd cave because I had stopped but wasn't truly quit. I'm still recovering from that disaster, and this is VERY difficult to say, but yeah, that one terrible thing that justified any drastic action, in light of being an addict, WAS an excuse. I chose to not reach out when it got bad because it was all intensely personal. But that sort of cut my own throat. I didn't handle this well, who is prepared for that? I pray I never go through that again. But the problem wasn't what happened, it was me and this quit. My quit was a needless loss amongst all my losses. The Kodiak Bear made my symptoms go away to get through all that - but now has a new lease on my soul. What I've realized is, on Day 1 or Day 5,250, you are either quit or you aren't. It's not a work in progress. Oh I was quit (stopped) but when total chaos, meltdown, fear and panic set in, all bets were off. When, not if, "something" happens, my frame of reference is critical. How you handle that worst-case thing all depends on if I have quit, or just stopped. All this rocked my marriage, but I didn't bail on my wife. We made it through because my reference was; I made a vow to her. It wasn't up for debate or conditional. And here we are - stronger. With dipping, here I am, weaker. I lost big-time.
Quitting was a verb to me, something you are doing and working on really hard and it has its good days and bad. I was quitting hard as I could, which means the quit is subject to how things are. But it's really a noun - that specific point where it ends - without exception. I'm an intelligent guy, but I feel like an idiot just now understanding this, especially as one who should know better. Maybe everyone else got that on day one, I didn't. The pathetic realization is, all that horrible nastiness was in fact, excuses. My previous quit wasn't half-assed - it was total ass. Doomed on day 1. I had no business being in any KTC group.
This is no joy to come here and write this, it's embarrassing and humiliating, and just stirs up reminders of the worst days in my life. But I don't care, I'm not going to roll over and give Kodiak the next few decades too. I'm dead serious and pissed off. Along with everything else I lost, I also lost precious ground I had won over nicotine, which means it gets to rip my body apart AGAIN as I start withdrawals over. Which also pisses me off and I hate that.
I may be a retread, but honestly, it's my first time to QUIT - Noun. I QUIT last night at 9PM - No more excuses, good reasons, retreads, or dropouts. If my face gets kicked in again, it doesn't change that fact I am finally Quit. What am I doing about it? I had the disgusting joy of sharing my addiction with my employees and asked them to help and protect me while I was mentally checked out, hanging out in addicts chatrooms, straining and fogged up. That covers that excuse. That leaves me with finding a group who knows this beast and will remind me often of my Quit, the noun. I need you more than you need me. So I ask if I can be a part of KTC again, dedicated with the right reference this time. If you'd prefer I leave, I respect that and will be on my way. Thanks for enduring this long post.
Looks like you answered the What and Why but one questions remains. What are you going to do differently? I went back through some of our PM's just now. Did you read your original Intro? http://forum.killthecan.org/topic/1011410/1/I'm sure a Mod or Admin will take care of merging them. You gotta get involved here. I am on Day 231 and have posted roll 100% of the time. Some days I am on here for a few minutes but other days I am here for a few hours. Helping others helps me. Posting Roll Works!! I know you had a lot of shit go on before but most of us have had some sort of shit happen, Death of a family member, illness, loss of jobs, etc. Diving back into the can got you absolutely nowhere. Get involved, get digits, get back on track and keep that shit out of your mouth. You know that you are gonna catch holy hell like you did before. Be honest with us but mostly, be honest with yourself. So what is the answer to "What are you going to do differently?" Listen. You can do this, but you can't do it half way. KTC is all in or nothing at all. YOu must absolutely follow the program or you'll be right back at it. Do I need to go over it? I think I should.
1. Post roll. Every single freaking day without any excuses what so ever. Do it first thing every single morning. I know it sounds so stupid. Putting your name on a list. What's the big deal? It's called accountability. It's very very important. It's the key to KTC. So, are you willing to post roll every single day? Even if you don't have internet access? If you can't honestly say yes, then you should honestly consider another support group.
2. GET PHONE NUMBERS of people in your quit group. Feeling the urge to put some crap in your lip? Give em a call or text. Out drinking with the buds, and just wanna have one for "old time sake"? Give em a call. It's very important.
Also pop into chat on occassion. If you want to quit, the tools are all here for you, but you have to make them work for you. I hope you are willing to try and use this system. It will work.
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1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
My HOF Speech. http://forum.killthecan.org/topic/10570895/1/#new
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Raider
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Oct 16 2014, 04:50 PM
Post #40
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- Posts:
- 4,346
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- Members
- Member
- #22,021
- Joined:
- February 28, 2014
- Quit Date
- 28 Feb, 2014
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Something I posted in my Intro the other day:
NEVER AGAIN FOR ANY REASON:
The more normal lives we live the greater the chance of diving back into the can we have.
I was just thinking this morning about my previous 3 year stoppage and what the hell happened to make me start again. I had quit after I had some tissue removed from my back, right above the crack where the sun hits when your bent over in the garden. For 3 years I ignored all her comments and requests to give her another chance. As I said before I paid at the pump in an effort to keep her out of my mind. Then it happened. I went hunting with my brother-in-law. We hunted for the first day and I was fine. On day 2 it happened, he pulled out his can and I grabbed a small pinch off of it. Remember this was a long time ago.
Quite some time ago Mogul said it was like I was able to locate the switch and completely turn it off. Well let me tell you, just as quick as you can turn it off, you can turn it on. The small pinch I grabbed turned that switch back on almost instantly. I remember my BIL asking if I can have just one and of course I said Yes I can. It took a little bit for the nicotine to get back in my system but once it did, I was hooked again.
When your brain is telling you that just one is okay, remember that it is the nic bitch trying to crawl back into your life. You can NEVER have JUST ONE.
Yes we want to live a normal life but we must guard our quit at all costs. Taking a minute or so to Post Roll Daily isn't to much to ask. Isn't a minute or so worth it to protect what you have been working so hard at?
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Today, I quit!!!
Quit Date: 28 Feb, 2014 HOF Date: 7 June, 2014 My HOF Speech "The minute you really think you have the nic bitch by the balls is when she's gonna strike. Posting roll takes a moment. Answering the 3 questions and reengaging with a new group will take a lot longer, Guarandamnteed. "
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Mark4
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Oct 16 2014, 04:52 PM
Post #41
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- March 7, 2014
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- 10/16/2014
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Whats different is, and this sounds weak, but is really a huge thing to me, is the decision i referenced so much, it ends here. I know I'm slow, but thats a big shift and a huge change. Practically, I've got help at work to get through the crap, formally. The other pieces of this depend on if I'm in a group - the most important part.
I know I'll catch hell and deserve it. I'm not defending my actions, just hope this provides some answers and explains whats different. Being Quit is ten times what it was before and due to my skid mark, will probably ten times harder as I made good people like you, doubt.
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grizzlyhasclaws
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Oct 16 2014, 04:56 PM
Post #42
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- Posts:
- 8,516
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- HOF Train Conductors - Retired
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- #20,393
- Joined:
- October 31, 2013
- Quit Date
- 10/31/2013
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Good self reflection. Impressive. Just go all in here and you'll do fine. You obviously have the "want", let KTC be the "how". Do it the KTC way.
One thing to remember: Tobacco saps time. Tobacco users avg life expectancy is 20 years less than non tobacco users. You can always get more money, but you can never get more time. 20 years is worth more than Fort Knox.
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Proud FFFoQer - February 2014 
Free from dog shit! 
ODAAT & NAFAR
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landdon
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Oct 16 2014, 04:56 PM
Post #43
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- Posts:
- 2,068
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- HOF Train Conductors - Retired
- Member
- #23,881
- Joined:
- June 18, 2014
- Quit Date
- 6/18/2014
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- Mark4
- Oct 16 2014, 04:52 PM
Whats different is, and this sounds weak, but is really a huge thing to me, is the decision i referenced so much, it ends here. I know I'm slow, but thats a big shift and a huge change. Practically, I've got help at work to get through the crap, formally. The other pieces of this depend on if I'm in a group - the most important part.
I know I'll catch hell and deserve it. I'm not defending my actions, just hope this provides some answers and explains whats different. Being Quit is ten times what it was before and due to my skid mark, will probably ten times harder as I made good people like you, doubt. Yeah, you'll catch crap. So, what! Except it, and then you'll be accepted. It's ok. If you want to do it, and are willing to follow the program I'm sure there's a place for you here.
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1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
My HOF Speech. http://forum.killthecan.org/topic/10570895/1/#new
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Raider
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Oct 16 2014, 04:59 PM
Post #44
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- Posts:
- 4,346
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- Members
- Member
- #22,021
- Joined:
- February 28, 2014
- Quit Date
- 28 Feb, 2014
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Not What's different but What are you going to do differently? You need to have a plan, what happens when the wife snaps at ya? What happens when work has issues? What happens when the dog craps on the carpet? How about a spilled pop? How are you gonna react? You need to have it figured out what your plan of attack will be. You also need to know how to get there. Let me give you some pointers: 1). get phone numbers 2). Use Chat 3). Talk to new quitters 4). Text buddies to see how THEY are doing 5). Call someone when you are feeling crappy 6). Thinking about caving? Call someone and ask for permission. The list goes on. Get it???? You gotta be involved here or you are setting yourself up for another cave.
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Today, I quit!!!
Quit Date: 28 Feb, 2014 HOF Date: 7 June, 2014 My HOF Speech "The minute you really think you have the nic bitch by the balls is when she's gonna strike. Posting roll takes a moment. Answering the 3 questions and reengaging with a new group will take a lot longer, Guarandamnteed. "
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Raider
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Oct 16 2014, 05:01 PM
Post #45
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- Posts:
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- Members
- Member
- #22,021
- Joined:
- February 28, 2014
- Quit Date
- 28 Feb, 2014
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Your 1st post here was great and we want you to succeed. You just gotta be sure you have ALL the tools you need.
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Today, I quit!!!
Quit Date: 28 Feb, 2014 HOF Date: 7 June, 2014 My HOF Speech "The minute you really think you have the nic bitch by the balls is when she's gonna strike. Posting roll takes a moment. Answering the 3 questions and reengaging with a new group will take a lot longer, Guarandamnteed. "
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