| KillTheCan.org | Blog | Twitter | Facebook | Store | LIVE CHAT |
| Welcome to KillTheCan.org Online Community. We hope you enjoy your visit. You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free. Join our community! If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features: |
| * The Story of Tom and Jenny Kern | |
|---|---|
| Tweet Topic Started: Jul 23 2012, 10:03 PM (14,162 Views) | |
| 30yrAddict | Jul 23 2012, 10:03 PM Post #1 |
![]()
Free at Last
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Through the eyes of Tom's daughters: Kenzi and Tori. Happy Father's Day dad!! I love you and miss you so much. You would have been so proud of Connor today he pitched a good game, and Tori has a good tournament yesterday too, but I know you were there in spirit! I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kenzi Kern Hutch, MN - Sunday, June 21, 2009 8:29 PM CDT Hey Dad- Merry Christmas!!! I know this is your favorite time of year and we are all missing you so much over the holidays. Ryan, Kenra, and I went out and got a real tree agian this year...It makes me think of you every time I look at it! I miss you and love you so much wishing you could be here every day with us!!! Merry Christmas Daddy!!! Kenzi Kern - Friday, December 25, 2009 8:24 PM CST Hey Dad! Just wanted to drop in and say hi. There is not a day that goes by when I don't miss you. I wish more than anything I could just have one last bear hug from you (yours were ALWAYS the best)! I would do anything just to have another day with you. I know you are in a better place, but it hurt so much not having you here with me. I love you dad! Kenzi Kenzi Kern Mankato, - Friday, April 9, 2010 1:17 PM CDT Happy Birthday DAD!!! Can you believe that Alexa graduated yesterday?! Love you and miss you. kenzi kern - Monday, June 7, 2010 7:36 AM CDT Happy Father's Day Dad!!! I love you! Kenzi Kern - Sunday, June 20, 2010 9:31 PM CDT Hey Dad- I have been thinking about you a lot. Lately I have been crying every night. I don't know why but I feel like the pain is getting worse. It has been 6 years already, but I swear I remember it like it was just yesterday. I remember mom waking me and nikki up in the morning saying it wasn't good. I remember Julie driving us to the hospital. I remember going to Walmart to get swim suits because we were going to go to john and shell's and run through the sprinkler, until Dave called my phone and told us to come quick. I remember coming to the hospital scared of what might come next. I wanted to run out to the car to get my CD that has the song "Dance with my father" that I really wanted you to hear. Right as we were going to get on the elevator grandma yelled to have everyone come back into the room, we all new it was bad. I remember running back into the room, throwing myself on top on you at the end of the bed yelling "DADDY, PLEASE DON'T GO", but then you did. Hearing you take your last breath, was like getting my heart ripped out of my chest. I remember laying there at the end of your bed crying and crying and crying, hoping and praying you were going to come back. I needed you, mom needed you, connor, alexa, and tori needed you. We needed you to be there for us, to cook me steak and tell me who I could and couldn't date, you needed to coach tori and connor's softball and baseball teams, you needed to watch alexa perform just ONE more time, mom needed your help to keep me out of trouble. It's not fair. It's not fair that such an amazing guy like you had to go. It's not fair that alexa, tori, and I will never get to have you walk us down the isle or have our father daughter dance, it's not fair that you will not get to see what a good pitcher connor is or see what an amazing guy he has become. it's not fair that Kenra will never get to hear your laugh or have you give her one of those amazing hugs you gave. Dad I miss you so much and want you hear to tell me everything will be okay. Kenzi Kern - Monday, July 19, 2010 9:03 PM CDT Hey dad Just wanted to stop by and say hi. Thought you might like to know that Connor got the MVP award for baseball from his coach this year. Mom said that he started out by saying that he was every coaches dream player...that outta make you proud!! You raised a good one!! :) Love you!!! Kenzi - Tuesday, August 10, 2010 10:59 PM CDT Hey dad! Well today is the day that Alexa leaves for school. I thought I would be so excited for her to go since I will finally not have to be her second mom...reminding her to clean her room, do the dishes, help with laundry, well basically cleaning up after herself...which we all know if a life or death situation for her. Well I am actually sad. (don't tell mom, she will do the "I told you so" thing) Kenra, Lexa, and I had so much fun last night just hanging out, dancing, and just talking.m Now I am at home cleaning her room, bathroom, and closet..because it is now mine. I thinking of her moving in and you should be there helping. When you go to college your dad should be there helping you carry all of the big things, giving you a big hug and as your pretending not to be scared to be on your own you should be there saying it will be okay kiddo, you can call when anytime. But your not. I am so mad that you are not here to watch all of us grow up and here for every waking moment. I wish you could be hear for us and give us that hug and call us kiddo or pumpkin. Well I miss you dad and love you so much! Kenzi Kern - Saturday, September 4, 2010 10:58 AM CDT You'd hold me close in your arms I loved the way you felt so strong I never wanted you to leave I wanted you to stay here holding me I miss you I miss your smile And i still shed a tear Every once in a while And even though it's different now, You're still here somehow My heart won't let you go And I need you to know I miss you I'm thinking back on the past It's true the time is flying by too fast I know your in a better place yeah But i wish that I could see your face oh I know where you need to be Even though it's not here with me Kenzi Kern - Sunday, September 5, 2010 10:56 PM CDT Well Dad, Today is Connor's 16th birthday!! How crazy is that?! He will be taking his test next week, I went to pick him up at a friend's house yesterday and he drove home. It is WAY too weird with him driving, in less than a year Tor will be getting her permit...that is also WAY WAY too weird. If you think about it...I didn't even have my license when you left. Actually I think that I had failed it a few days before. Wow it has been so long!! But anyways, I love you and miss you!! Kenzi - Tuesday, November 9, 2010 9:53 AM CST Hey Dad! Christmas was good, we got a 10 FOOT TREE!!!! It is huge and you can smell the tree all the way downstairs!! Bubba also came home this year, which was really nice for all of us. Well just thought I would drop in and say hi! I love you and miss you tons!!!! Kenzi Kern - Thursday, January 6, 2011 7:39 PM CST DAD!! I graduated!! Wish you would have been there! I love you and miss you everyday!! Kenzi Kern - Sunday, March 27, 2011 7:12 PM CDT Hey dad, I just want to tell you that I miss you and love you! I really wish you were here to give me a big hug like you used to. I just want you to be here to help me with my sports, tell me what boys I can and can't like, and just tell me you love me. I know you love me and always will, but I would rather hear you tell me than have everyone tell me. I miss you so much daddy! Tori Kern United States - Thursday, March 31, 2011 11:29 PM CDT Hey Dad- Ken turned FIVE today! It has gone by so fast I can't even believe it! I wish you could have been here to meet her! Every night when we go to bed she prays, and every night she prays that God will let you come back and meet her. She is pretty cute! Well I miss you and love you!! Kenzi Kern - Wednesday, April 20, 2011 4:34 PM CDT Happy Birthday Dad...I love you and miss you everyday!!! Kenzi - Tuesday, June 7, 2011 6:19 PM CDT Hey dad - Just stopping by to say hello. Every night when we go to bed Kenra prays and she always says a little something about you in it. Last night when she was praying she asked God if he would let you come back and give me a hug because I missed you so much. She also told him that he (God) better be taking good care of you in heaven. Kids are just too cute aren't they?! It has really been a hard month for us. I know I have said this before, but I feel like as the years go one they get harder and harder. Wish you could be here to see how all of us have grown up. I know that we all miss those big bear hugs you used to give us! Love you and miss you sooooo much!!! Kenzi - Friday, June 24, 2011 5:50 PM CDT Happy Anniversary Dad! Kenzi Kern - Wednesday, July 27, 2011 2:57 PM CDT DAD!!!!!! I bought a house! I really wish you were here to help me go through the house, to help me move in, and repair things. I feel like you missed out on so much! Definitely feel like I got cheated out of my father-daughter-bonding experience! Miss you and love you always! Kenzi - Friday, September 9, 2011 2:10 PM CDT Hey Dad Just thought I would drop in and say hi. Christmas and Thanksgiving were good, but we sure did miss you, like always!! We are all doing well and keeping pretty busy between basketball, hockey, skating, and Kenra's attempt at swimming...didn't go over so well...But even with all of this craziness I always seem to think about you throughout the day. Wishing so much that you could be here to see us all grow up, meet your granddaughter, been there for parents night, all the things that you will never get to be apart of. I miss you so much! Well I guess I better get back to work. Love you! Kenzi - Tuesday, January 10, 2012 9:06 AM CST Hey dad Thought I would check in. Today is Kenra's SIXTH birthday! I cannot believe she is getting so big. Wish you were here to celebrate it with us, but I know you are watching over us and will be with us all day. Well I should probably get back to work. I love you and miss you! Kenzi - Friday, April 20, 2012 10:31 AM CDT HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!! You would have been the BIG 5-0 today! We sure miss you down here, but know you are having a wonderful time up there! Love you and miss you! Kenzi - Thursday, June 7, 2012 7:57 AM CDT This day always sucks. Eight years ago Tom lost his battle. In some ways it feels like we lost it too. I hurt for my kids who are making memories without their dad in them. I hurt for me because he can't share in these memories. Kids shouldn't have to grow up without a dad. It's hard to admit that some of the memories are fading. The memories are all we have left of him. God, help me hold on to the memories! Jenny - Tuesday, June 12, 2012 10:52 AM CDT |
|
"Hey, snowflake, don't take a seat in the life raft if you are not serious about saving your life." - Scowick65 "Never again- For any reason" - Ready | |
![]() |
|
| 30yrAddict | Nov 18 2012, 10:10 PM Post #2 |
![]()
Free at Last
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Sunday, November 28, 2010 0:15 AM CST I want to begin by thanking those of you who write in from quitsmokeless.org and killthecan.org. It continues to touch my heart when I read a guestbook entry from someone in these groups. I check this website about once per week to read any new entries. I'm glad you are finding encouragement from Tom's story. I hope it helps you stay strong. The last time I wrote I was really struggling. It was related to Alexa's graduation and not having Tom here. I started to feel better in July when all the grad stuff was over. I continue to have tough times, and I'm sure I will have them forever. However, it does feel good to know that I don't have to be in that place all the time. On a down note, all of my children have really been struggling over the past few months. Tori was 7 was Tom died, and she is very sad that he isn't here for all her sporting events, to congratulate her on her good grades, and give her a big hug when she needs a dad's shoulder. She wanted to start seeing a counselor. It seems to be helping, but it's hard to know what is an emotional roller coaster due to Tom or due to being 14. Connor, Kenzi, and Alexa don't want to talk about it. It hurts too much. Tori wants to talk to them about it, but they won't. I talk to her as much as I can, but it isn't enough. We got out home movies so she could see him and hear his voice, but she said it made her miss him more. I don't know what else to do for her. Sometimes I find myself wishing it were 20 years from now, and the pain would be less intense. Then I remember how quickly time flies, and I want those years back. With the holidays coming, I know it is going to be hard for the next few weeks. Say some prayers for us that we can make it through the holidays with no sadness and longing. Thanks for listening. God bless your lives. Jenny |
|
"Hey, snowflake, don't take a seat in the life raft if you are not serious about saving your life." - Scowick65 "Never again- For any reason" - Ready | |
![]() |
|
| 30yrAddict | Nov 18 2012, 10:11 PM Post #3 |
![]()
Free at Last
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Monday, May 10, 2010 12:10 AM CDT I'm sliding backwards. I have been angry since Christmas because life is either at a standstill or going backwards. During the last 5 years I felt I was gradually doing better. I would have dips of depression and sadness, but then I would come back. However, the last 6 months have had fewer days of happiness than sadness. I'm angry that I'm not on that gradual incline towards happiness. I want to enjoy life, but there is a cloud hanging over me at all times. For the first time, I am actually contemplating an anti-depressant. I recently told a friend that I still cry every day - sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. She said, "Still, after all this time?" It won't ever go away, but I thought it would continually get better. I'm sure part of it has to do with Alexa graduating. Her hockey team made it to state for the second year in a row. In the past two years, the best games I have seen the team play have been the section championship games at Gustavus (where Tom and I went to college). Tom's work-study job was at the hockey rink. Last year, they beat Mankato West (Tom's high school) to go to state. I told Alexa that Dad had to be there because Hutch was playing Mankato West at Gustavus - how could he NOT be there! Alexa has her last choir concert in a couple of weeks. I know I will cry. They sing a goodbye song for the seniors as we watch a slide show of their baby pictures and senior pictures. We are planning to have Tom's high school and college friends come at the end of her graduation party to tell stories about him for the kids. We all love to here stories about him. It's hard to celebrate when he isn't here to celebrate with us. I know graduation day will be hard - watching her, knowing that she is missing him. We recently had to junk Tom's Ranger. It was too old and needed too many repairs. Mackenzie and I had the hardest time parting with it. She drove it right after Tom died until she had Kenra. It was letting go of one more piece of him. Connor recently hit a homerun, and I know he wished Tom were there to congratulate him. Tom would have loved to see him all dressed up for the homecoming dance. He would enjoy teasing Connor's about his girlfriend! Tom would be proud of his grades and the quality of his character. Tori really needs her dad to give her a big hug. She is such a good girl, but anytime she makes a mistake she thinks she is letting him down. He needs to tell her that he loves her no matter what. She beats herself up sometimes. It isn't enough for me to tell her Tom loves her no matter what. I'm so proud of the people our children are growing up to be. I'm happy they have so much of Tom's character in them. I wish he were here to share in my joys as I watch them grow and mature. Thanks for your continued support. I need the words of encouragement. Jenny |
|
"Hey, snowflake, don't take a seat in the life raft if you are not serious about saving your life." - Scowick65 "Never again- For any reason" - Ready | |
![]() |
|
| 30yrAddict | Nov 18 2012, 10:12 PM Post #4 |
![]()
Free at Last
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Tuesday, June 9, 2009 1:24 PM CDT Sometimes life just sucks! (I really don't like that word, but it is fitting.) We are having a hard time. June is full of Tom's birthday, the anniversary of his death (5 years), and Father's Day. Tori is getting involved in more activities, and she wants him here. She said it isn't fair that he never got to see her play softball, volleyball, and basketball. She had award's day at the end of the school year, and she wanted him to be proud of her accomplishments. We know he is with us, but it isn't the same as having him here to give her a big hug and say, "I'm proud of you!" Connor is struggling with the same issues. He is growing up so fast and wants to talk to his dad about "guy stuff" - girls, sports, girls. It's not quite the same talking to me. On Tom's birthday, Connor had a baseball tournament. He fell apart between games. He wants him here to cheer him on. Alexa is trying to be so grown up, but I know she aches for him to hug her (just like the rest of us). She will be a senior next year, and she is starting to think about all the things he won't be there for - her last high school musical, hockey captain, choir concerts, graduation ceremony. Mackenzie is moving to Mankato with Kenra to continue her education. We are going to miss them so much! We watch Kenra 4 days a week. It's a good move for her, but it will be hard for us. I hurt for all my kids, as well as myself. I recently got mad at Tom for dying (something I have never done). If he hadn't died, we wouldn't be in so much pain. It's dumb, I know, but I can't help it. Sometimes it is hard to see the good in life when it hurts so much. We will love and miss Tom forever. I just want it to stop hurting. I know there are good things. Don helps me with that. He continues to be very supportive, and he knows this doesn't have anything to do with him. It's weird loving two men at the same time. This website continues to give me support. Tom's mom just talked to someone who continues to check on us through this caringbridge site. I also just read another guestbook entry from a man who found us through killthecan.org. Thanks to all of you for your kind words. They mean a lot. Thanks for listening (reading). It is very therapeutic for me to write all this out. Jenny |
|
"Hey, snowflake, don't take a seat in the life raft if you are not serious about saving your life." - Scowick65 "Never again- For any reason" - Ready | |
![]() |
|
| 30yrAddict | Nov 18 2012, 10:13 PM Post #5 |
![]()
Free at Last
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Monday, December 29, 2008 5:44 PM CST Christmas is hard. All the memories of Tom at Christmas time make us all so sad. He loved the holidays - even putting up the lights! He and I got into a few disagreements while we were putting them up. I can laugh about it now. He had such a great laugh! It was infectious. I recently ran into an old friend of ours who told Tori that her dad was one of the greatest men he had ever known. He had such a zest for life and was always fun to be around. It made both of us cry. We are proud that he was in our lives. It's difficult for her because she is having a harder time remembering him. That makes me sick to my stomach. Tom was such a good man, and she won't remember him. We had Christmas with Tom's family last weekend. His mom gave all of us a framed picture of him and a calendar that has old family pictures throughout the 12 months. We love it! Don is good about it, which shows what a wonderful man he is! When Don and I were dating, Tom's dad said, "It looks like you've got yourself another fine fellow." That means the world to me. The kids are doing ok. Kenzi starts the nursing program in January. Kenra is 2 1/2 and into the terrible twos. Alexa is enjoying hockey. Connor decided not to do hockey this year, but is watching other people play. Tori is enjoying basketball. As hard as it is sometimes, it's better than it was 4 years ago. I think about him every day, and I cry often. I miss him so much. I guess that's a good thing - it means we had a good life together (full of ups and downs, but good). Thank you for your kind words of support. I hope we all make good memories with our loved ones in 2009. Those memories are priceless! God's peace be with you! Jenny |
|
"Hey, snowflake, don't take a seat in the life raft if you are not serious about saving your life." - Scowick65 "Never again- For any reason" - Ready | |
![]() |
|
| 30yrAddict | Nov 18 2012, 10:14 PM Post #6 |
![]()
Free at Last
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Tuesday, June 3, 2008 12:05 AM CDT Thank you to the people from killthecan.org and quitsmokeless.org who have read this page and written in to this page. Your messages mean so much to me. I often find myself crying because I am overwhelmed at the number of lives that Tom's story has touched. I know there are many people who read the messages but don't write anything, and that is fine too. I check the guestbook entries often. I just wish I had the time to write a new journal page as often as I read the new entries. Today is my last day at school for the summer. I have cleaned my classroom and am waiting to check-out. The kids have school until Thursday, so they are jealous that my students were done with school last Friday. I find myself getting down at this time of year. It always happens in May. This was the time when Tom really started going downhill. As the anniversary of his death approaches, I get very teary and feel a tightness in my chest. It will be four years on June 12. It is hard to believe it has been that long. His birthday is this Saturday. I miss him so much! I continue to think about him every day. I want to hear him tell stories and laugh. I want him to hug the kids and me. I don't think these feelings will ever go away. This past winter Connor(13) and Tori(11) had some hard times. They are going through many emotional changes as they are beginning to enter the teen years. Part of their sadness is due to the hormonal changes, but they have been missing him more over the past few months. It comes and goes, but they have each stated that they hate their lives. They miss him and wish he were here. Don't we all! The only thing I can do is hug them, love them, and tell them that we just have to take this one step at a time. They need to feel the sadness, and then let it go. Kenzi and Kenra enjoy living on their own. We watch Kenra quite a bit at our house. The kids love to play with her. She is such a joy in our lives! Kenzi will start the nursing program in January. She is also working at the local nursing home as a nurse's assistant. Alexa got her driver's license in April. Needless to say, she is constantly asking if she can run any errands for me. She just started working at Dairy Queen, and she loves having her own money. Don and I continue to try and find time to spend together. We went to Jamaica in February for a belated honeymoon. It was wonderful, and we plan on doing it again next year. Our summer will be busy with baseball, softball, various camps, and a mission trip. Again, thank you to all of you for your words of encouragment and support. It means more to me than you can imagine. God continues to work in mysteries ways, and He impacts our lives in ways we may never realize!! Love, Jenny |
|
"Hey, snowflake, don't take a seat in the life raft if you are not serious about saving your life." - Scowick65 "Never again- For any reason" - Ready | |
![]() |
|
| 30yrAddict | Nov 18 2012, 10:14 PM Post #7 |
![]()
Free at Last
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Monday, December 17, 2007 5:05 PM CST Life is very busy. We are in constant motion with this large family. It is good that is it busy because it takes our minds off of the sadness of the holidays without Tom. He loved the time from Thanksgiving through Christmas - especially the food! Even though we don't want to be sad, we don't have much control over the sad thoughts we have. Sometimes it's the little things - the funny things he would say, his smile, his laughter, his goofy looks - that we miss. Other times it's the important things - Connor's goal in hockey, Tori's shot in basketball, Alexa's musicals and singing the national anthem at the high school events, Kenzi's maturity and responsibility, Kenra's laughter - he's missing out on. I'm happily married and missing him every day. What a contradiction! I look back on the past three and one-half years, and I can't believe he is gone. I'm glad I'm not is the depths of despair that I was in at the beginning, but I know I will have a certain sadness for the rest of my life. And yet, God is good. I also never thought I would love again. I never thought I could be happy again. Even though I miss Tom every day, I can also be happy and have a good life. Thank you, God, for the ability to love again. It's a little like having a second child. You think how can I possibly love another child the way I love this one - and you do. Every love is different. We can love lots of people in our lives. I want to thank all the people that have signed the guestbook from the quitsmokeless.org website. Every time I think it is time to close this caring bridge website, someone else writes and says how Tom's story has helped them. I know I don't write as often as I would like to, but I'm glad that this site is here to encourage others to continue to fight the addiction to chewing tobacco. It would make Tom happy to know he was helping others. Thanks for all the words of encouragement that have been written over the past few years. I love reading them. Happy Holidays! Love, Jenny |
|
"Hey, snowflake, don't take a seat in the life raft if you are not serious about saving your life." - Scowick65 "Never again- For any reason" - Ready | |
![]() |
|
| 30yrAddict | Nov 18 2012, 10:15 PM Post #8 |
![]()
Free at Last
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Friday, March 16, 2007 2:38 PM CDT It's been a long time since I have written. I have been very busy. Don and I got married on January 19 and moved into our new house. Everything is going smoothly. It is a strange feeling to be married again. When I use the word "husband" the first image that pops into my head is Tom. It will take some getting used to, but I am happy to call Don my husband. I am very happy with Don. He is a good man. I love him. The kids like him. However, I still have sadness everyday when I think about Tom. I miss him and the life we had together. There is a part of me that still feels guilty for moving on with my life and finding a new love. My head knows that this is what Tom would want for me. I have to go on with my life and do what makes me happy, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm sure it will just take a time. When I think about our kids, I feel pain. It hurts when Connor scores a goal, and Tom is not physically there to share in that moment. I know how much all the kids want him there to share in the special moments of their lives. Connor and Tori have started to say that they can't remember things about Tom and that just kills me. Tom was such a great guy/husband/father that I want them to remember everything about him. I tried telling them some of the things he used to do with him, but nothing sounded familiar to them. I have plans to turn all of our old camcorder tapes into DVDs so they can watch them more easily. We take out our old tapes once in awhile, but it is hard to find spots that have Tom in them. I always camcorded the kids; rarely Tom and me. I am hoping that seeing Tom on tape will jog their memory, or at least plant some memories. Adjusting to a blended family has been easier than I expected. We are having some of the same issues that I dealt with at my old house- siblings getting along and no one wants to pick up after themselves! I think these are universal problems! :-)I know it is still early yet, so I am not ready to let my guard down as far as problems arising with the blending of two families. However, I am very thankful that things are going well so far. God continues to bless us with joy in the midst of our sadness. He gives us what we need when we need it. Thank you,God for the people You have placed around us to help us get through this painful time in our lives. Help us to remember that because You are in control, everything will be fine. Jenny |
|
"Hey, snowflake, don't take a seat in the life raft if you are not serious about saving your life." - Scowick65 "Never again- For any reason" - Ready | |
![]() |
|
| 30yrAddict | Nov 18 2012, 10:16 PM Post #9 |
![]()
Free at Last
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Thursday, September 21, 2006 3:22 PM CDT The summer was very busy with baseball, baseball, and more baseball. Connor played a lot of games and tournaments. It was fun to watch him play, and I enjoyed going to all his games; however, it was nice to be done with all the traveling. Tori really enjoyed softball. It was fun to watch her have some good plays/at bats. Alexa was busy babysitting Kenra when Mackenzie was at work or wanted some time off to be with friends. She also went to Nashville with our church group for a youth retreat. She had a great time and continues to be very involved with church. Mackenzie had a summer of work, friends, and Kenra (who is still a beautiful, wonderful baby) Fall is just as busy: Mackenzie's work/college, Alexa's volleyball, Connor's football, Tori's swimming, my work. It is a hectic time. It is also a sad time because this was Tom's favorite time of year: cooler weather, football games, hunting, Thanksgiving (eating!!), and Christmas. In the last three weeks we have again had many changes. Don and I got engaged. We all started school. Don and I bought a house contingent on the sale of both of our houses. Talk about stress! I have been crying a lot lately due to all these factors. Our engagement is bittersweet. I still miss/love Tom so much. I also love Don. It is difficult to fit those two feelings into one body. I'm happy and sad at the same time. I never thought my life would be like this. I thought Tom and I would be married until we were old, and then we would die of old age. That's what I want, but that's not what I've got. I have a hole in my heart, but at the same time my heart is filled with love for two men. Don is a wonderful man, and I am so happy that God brought us together. It feels right to be with him. Can you see where all my confusion comes from? I am an emotional mess right now. I feel that God brought us together and that this is going to be good. I have to remember to stay in the present and let God take care of everything. The kids have mixed feelings as well. They all like Don. Tori can't wait to have a step-dad and move to a new house. Connor doesn't want a step-dad - ever! He doesn't ever want to leave our house! (No, I would not let him live there while he was in his 30+'s!) Connor is trying to figure out his relationship with Tom and what that means to bring Don into the picture. I have told him we will always love/miss Dad. It is always ok to laugh/cry/talk about him. We are not trying to forget him or get rid of him. Tough lessons for an eleven year old to learn. Mackenzie and Alexa are in the middle. We have a rough road ahead. Don has a son, McKinley, who will be living with us. He is the same age as Connor. We know blending a family will be difficult, but we believe we can make it work. Next week will be another emotional time. Tom's brother is getting married. If Tom were here, he would've been the bestman. He and his brother were very close. I know it will be hard on all of us to be together without him. Tori is the flowergirl, and she is very excited. Don is going with me. He has meet all of Tom's family except this brother. I hope it isn't too uncomfortable for him to be there with all of us being emotional about Tom. I still think about Tom constantly, and I cry a lot. However, I know that it is better than it was 2+ years ago. I know it will continue to get better. Then slide backwards. Then get better. It is like the waves of the ocean - calm, rough waters, rising to a swell, and then crashing down. God, help me ride the waves. Please pray for God's wisdom in our decision making; in regards to houses, children, finances - all the things married couples have to deal with. We will not be setting a wedding date until we have a closing date on all the houses. We are in no hurry. He will make it work when it is supposed to happen. God's timing on this will be perfect, as usual. Thanks for being here. Love, Jenny |
|
"Hey, snowflake, don't take a seat in the life raft if you are not serious about saving your life." - Scowick65 "Never again- For any reason" - Ready | |
![]() |
|
| 30yrAddict | Nov 18 2012, 10:17 PM Post #10 |
![]()
Free at Last
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Tuesday, May 2, 2006 3:11 PM CDT Changes! Wow, have there been changes at our house! First of all, I am a grandmother. Mackenzie had a beautiful, dark haired, blue eyed baby girl on April 20. Kenra Louise Kern weighed in at a whopping 9 lbs. 14 oz. and was 21 3/4 in. Because Mackenzie is only a senior in high school, this was not good news. I was angry for a long time, but God gave me the realization that he can take a mistake and turn it into a miracle. Mackenzie had broken up with the father before she found out she was pregnant, but they have agreed to be friends. He is actively involved right now and loves his little girl. Even though Kenra is a wonderful baby (sleeping through the night at 5 days old), Mackenzie had a difficult delivery and continues to have problems. She tore her episiotomy stitches twice and had to go through surgery to have it repaired. She is on bedrest for the next two weeks. I pray for strength and healing for her and a positive attitude. I pray for patience for the rest of us because she is crabby due to all the pain she is in. The other change that has taken place is that I am dating. A man who has been a casual acquaintance for about 5 years asked me out in February. Don is a wonderful man, however, I cried every day for the first three weeks we dated. Even though we were having a nice time, I felt guilty. I was trying to figure out if my dating meant I loved Tom less. What I realized is that I hadn't grieved the death of our marriage. Every day I am called "Mrs. Kern". Which reinforces the idea that I am still married. I finally had to say, "I am not married anymore." I was trying so hard to figure everything out that I was causing myself a great deal of anxiety and stress. Finally, God told me I didn't have to figure it out. I just had to let it be. Be present, enjoy it, and whatever happens, happens. I have felt much better since then. On our first date, I told Don I needed to talk about Tom and cry about Tom. He said he was ok with that. I am feeling very happy these days - a feeling I never thought I would feel again. I continue to cry about Tom - all the things he isn't here to share with us. I will always love Tom and miss Tom, but it feels good to be able to smile, laugh, and be happy. In reference to dating, I asked God to open doors so wide I would be able to tell He wanted me to walk through them. I have definitely seen those wide doors. Out of the ashes, God brings new life. The journey doesn't end here, but I can see a new chapter unfolding. There will always be tears, sadness, missing, longing; but there will also be joy, laughter, smiles, and happiness. Life goes on. Thank you for being here for me. Love Jenny |
|
"Hey, snowflake, don't take a seat in the life raft if you are not serious about saving your life." - Scowick65 "Never again- For any reason" - Ready | |
![]() |
|
| 30yrAddict | Nov 18 2012, 10:17 PM Post #11 |
![]()
Free at Last
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Thursday, February 9, 2006 12:29 AM CST I'm sorry it has taken so long to update this webpage again. I can't believe it has been two months since I wrote last. As expected, the holidays were hard. We tried to do something fun for the whole family; we went to Breezy Point Resort for some snowmobiling, skating, sledding, and swimming. We went with another family and had a good time. The snowmobile hasn't been used since. However, it is really snowing right now, so maybe that will change. We keep plugging away one day at a time - keeping busy with daily activities. The kids continue to enjoy their activities. Thank you to all the family members who have made it to Connor's hockey games - especially Tom's brother Mike. He has really stepped in and taken an active role is coming to the kids' activities. I have been trying to paint my kitchen for a couple of months, but I can't quite get the right color. Color number six is on my walls to stay. It is not perfect, but it will do. Tom was always better at knowing exactly what he wanted. Since his death, it is so hard for me to make decisions. My brain doesn't work the way it used to. I still am not back to feeling as good as I did before Thanksgiving, but I feel a little better than I did at Christmas. Besides my sadness about Tom, I think part of my down feeling is because I really don't like winter. I have enjoyed the mild days we've had because I don't like being cold. I'm looking forward to spring so we can't get outside and get some warmer fresh air. Being able to be outside in nice weather helps me feel better. Mackenzie helped me update the pictures on this website. (of course she knew more about it than I did). So take a look. It was hard to go through family pictures and not have Tom in them. Everytime we do something as a family, I have moments of sadness because in my mind I can see what he would do if he were there. My heart aches for him to be there. Thanks again to everyone for your support. You all have helped me more than you will ever know. Love, Jenny |
|
"Hey, snowflake, don't take a seat in the life raft if you are not serious about saving your life." - Scowick65 "Never again- For any reason" - Ready | |
![]() |
|
| 30yrAddict | Nov 18 2012, 10:18 PM Post #12 |
![]()
Free at Last
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Saturday, December 10, 2005 8:42 PM CST The holiday activities are keeping us busy, which is a good thing because it gives us less time to be sad. Thanksgiving at the Kern's was difficult because he should be there. Everytime we all get together as a family it hurts more because his absence leaves such a big hole. Tom loved the holiday season. Every decision I make, I think about what Tom would do. Tomorrow we are going to put a small decorated pine tree at his grave. Last year, the kids each picked out a picture of themselves with Tom. I laminated them, and we wired them to the tree at his grave. Some friends have placed special memorabilia at his grave, so we will attach those items to the tree as well. This year we are going to add battery-operated lights. All of these activities make us feel better because it is a way of honoring Tom. I feel as if we are beginning to heal. I can go many days without crying, and there are actually days where I can say I feel good. I have even had times where I was able to laugh a real, feel-good-all-over laugh. We still continue to live one day at a time, which is a good way to live. I wish I could slow down a little and smell the roses. That's my next goal. Mackenzie has decided to attend Mankato State with a major in either nursing or elementary education. Alexa is in the middle school musical "Aladdin" and will start Junior Olympic Volleyball in January. Connor is enjoying hockey, and Tori started basketball for the first time (so far so good). School is going well for me, but there are days when I have so many things to get done that I wish I could take the day off. Thanks for being here for me. It is always therapeutic for me to write on this website. I praise God for all the people he has surrounded us with throughout Tom's illness and death. We really need all our friends and family. Love, Jenny |
|
"Hey, snowflake, don't take a seat in the life raft if you are not serious about saving your life." - Scowick65 "Never again- For any reason" - Ready | |
![]() |
|
| 30yrAddict | Nov 18 2012, 10:18 PM Post #13 |
![]()
Free at Last
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Thursday, October 27, 2005 3:32 PM CDT Thanks to all of you for your support. Our family and friends continue to be there for us when we need them. It took a few days, but I slowly began to feel better. I have actually had a few days where I can honestly say I felt good. It's a nice change to be happy. Part of the reason I feel better is because of a group that I have been meeting with that is helping me focus on being connected to God and living in the moment. I am trying to enjoy the present - instead of looking back or forward. Having a weekend to myself while the kids were in Mankato was helpful. Tom's reunion was nice; although there weren't many of his classmates at the game. This weekend my mom is coming to stay with the kids while I go on a women's retreat in Wisconsin. I am looking forward to being able to go for walks, read, and maybe do a little shopping. The kids seem to be doing better. They definitely live in the moment. I am trying to be more like that. Kenzi has decided to quit swimming. She started the season with a terrible cough. I took her to the doctor twice, but nothing seemed to help. It lasted six weeks. There were also some personality issues that made it difficult for her to enjoy swimming. She deliberated for a long time before she actually quit, but she is very happy she did. It has been an added blessing to me because I don't have to pack everyone up to go to Away swim meets. Alexa is busy with the middle school musical. Connor finished football and has started hockey. Tori is enjoying playing with friends. Time to run. Thanks for being there for us. We appreciate all the support you have given to us. Jenny |
|
"Hey, snowflake, don't take a seat in the life raft if you are not serious about saving your life." - Scowick65 "Never again- For any reason" - Ready | |
![]() |
|
| 30yrAddict | Nov 18 2012, 10:19 PM Post #14 |
![]()
Free at Last
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Thursday, September 22, 2005 2:01 PM CDT I needed to stay home from school today. I have been crying since yesterday, and I can't seem to pull it together. I miss him so much. I don't want to do this anymore. It's too hard. There are so many people that are here for me, but there isn't anything anyone can do to change my life. I don't want this life. I want my old life back. I know I will get through this just like I have all the other down times, but when I am in the middle of this sadness, it seems like it will never end. I just want to be happy. I want to be the person I used to be - upbeat, outgoing. Will I ever be that person again? I feel so bad for the kids because it hurts them to watch me cry. Connor was supposed to go watch his cousin play college football last week, but he was too sad. He said he wanted to go to the game with Dad. Tori wants him to come down from heaven so she can give him a hug, and then he can go right back to heaven. Whenever Alexa talks about him, her jaw tightens and her lips quiver. Mackenzie has been angry lately. It's not fair that your dad isn't here for your senior year of high school. Taking today off is a start to getting myself back on track because I don't have to go to work and fight back the tears all day. I can just let them flow. Tom's parents are taking the kids this weekend so I can have some quiet time. I need to just step back, take a deep breath, and relax. I have to keep telling myself that I will get through this. I need God to put a little sunshine in my heart to help me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Please continue to pray for us. Pray that I can take things one step at a time, keeping my focus on right now, and not let things build until I can't take it anymore. Thanks for listening (reading!), Jenny PS-I plan on going to Gustavus Homecoming on Oct. 8. It is Tom's 20th class reunion. I would enjoy seeing any of you that can make it. |
|
"Hey, snowflake, don't take a seat in the life raft if you are not serious about saving your life." - Scowick65 "Never again- For any reason" - Ready | |
![]() |
|
| 30yrAddict | Nov 18 2012, 10:20 PM Post #15 |
![]()
Free at Last
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Friday, July 29, 2005 2:11 PM CDT I finally got the computer back, but it still isn't working well. I have decided to get a new computer (this is a '98) and let the kids play with this one. We have had many struggles since my last entry. May and June were really tough because of all the anniversaries. May was filled with memories of him going downhill so fast and all the doctor's appointments and tests. June was filled with Tom's birthday, my birthday, and the one year anniversary of his death. We were also saddened by the death of Kelby Macemon, an 11 year old girl we knew in our community. July 27 would have been our 20th wedding anniversary. However, I look back on where we were one year ago, and I know we are better. Tori came to me crying the other day because she wanted to hug Tom. I feel that way a lot. I still have images of him laying in his hospital bed, so weak he could hardly open his eyes or speak. It hurts me to think about it, but I can't even begin to imagine what it was like for him. He was so incredible though his whole ordeal. His brother Mike said it best at his funeral, "Tom never complained, always said thank you, and always kept his sense of humor." I miss him so much. All of the fun things we do have a little dark cloud over them because we wish Tom were there to enjoy them: visiting Tom's brother in California, Tori's softball games, Connor's team taking second place in their baseball tournament, going to Lake Shetek with Tom's family (he loved jetskiing), Alexa's plays, seeing Mackenzie working her first job. August is quickly approaching and that means school starting. I have always loved the beginning of the school year, but dread the ending of warm days of summer. However, like last year, I am nervous as to what this school year holds: Mackenzie's senior year/applying to college/her last year of high school swimming, Alexa's dance/volleyball/ plays, Connor's football/hockey, Tori's swimming, everyone's homework, sticking to a stricter schedule, how can I make it through all this without Tom, I wish he could be here to see ... And the list goes on. Ohhh, but how I wish he were here! Thanks again for being there for me. Your entries to the guestbook mean a lot to me. I have also checked in on the quitsmokeless.org website because of the entries in the guestbook. It means a lot to me to know that Tom's story is helping some of them in their battle with tobacco addiction. Keep strong! The benefits of not chewing far out way the pleasure of the tobacco. We made it through one year, and we will make it through another - one day at a time, with help from family and friends, and with God's help. Love, Jenny |
|
"Hey, snowflake, don't take a seat in the life raft if you are not serious about saving your life." - Scowick65 "Never again- For any reason" - Ready | |
![]() |
|
| 1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous) | |
| Go to Next Page | |
| « Previous Topic · Words of Wisdom · Next Topic » |





![]](http://z5.ifrm.com/static/1/pip_r.png)


9:03 PM Jul 10