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Time to Grow a Spine; Quit for Good
Topic Started: Apr 15 2010, 06:02 PM (6,138 Views)
razd611
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Unfiltered
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
TCOPE
Jun 7, 2011, 9:21 am
kneedragger
Jun 7, 2011, 11:16 am
Day 85 - Turning 37

I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday by making a classic rookie mistake.  I was travelling home from Mexico, so I had to post roll call from my blackberry, which always sucks.  As I was fumbling around trying to get my roll posted, I had a thought.  It occurred to me that this could be my first year nicotine free in 25 years.  That realization felt a little like this:

(A little bit of excitement),
(Excitement building) - wow a whole year without nicotine…that would be amazing
(Really excited) - holy shit, I haven’t done that in…fuck…has it really been 25 years?
(A little less excited…slight anxiety)
(A little more anxiety) - shit, a year is a long time
(A lot more anxiety) – how am I supposed to stay quit for a whole year when I’ve been an addict for 25 years?
(anxiety, starting to feel a little bit hopeless) – what makes me think I can beat a 25 year old…blah…blah…blah

Stop…stop…stop…take a deep fuckin’ breath and get your head right

All I have to worry about is today.  I promise not to use nicotine TODAY and to support my June 11 brothers in their legendary quits TODAY.  Fuck staying quit for a year.  One day at a time.  Post, keep your word, repeat.  Stay strong brothers and congratulations to all our June 11 HOF’ers.

-KD

one day at a time......
that is the way we quit..
awesome job....
TCOPE

Stay quit today and tomorrow will take care of itself.
There Is No Turning Back!

If you Can't eat it, Fuck it or Fix it, might as well bury it!

Please refer hurt feelings Here
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kneedragger
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Quitter
[ *  * ]
TCOPE
Jun 7, 2011, 10:21 am
kneedragger
Jun 7, 2011, 11:16 am
Day 85 - Turning 37

I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday by making a classic rookie mistake.  I was travelling home from Mexico, so I had to post roll call from my blackberry, which always sucks.  As I was fumbling around trying to get my roll posted, I had a thought.  It occurred to me that this could be my first year nicotine free in 25 years.  That realization felt a little like this:

(A little bit of excitement),
(Excitement building) - wow a whole year without nicotine…that would be amazing
(Really excited) - holy shit, I haven’t done that in…fuck…has it really been 25 years?
(A little less excited…slight anxiety)
(A little more anxiety) - shit, a year is a long time
(A lot more anxiety) – how am I supposed to stay quit for a whole year when I’ve been an addict for 25 years?
(anxiety, starting to feel a little bit hopeless) – what makes me think I can beat a 25 year old…blah…blah…blah

Stop…stop…stop…take a deep fuckin’ breath and get your head right

All I have to worry about is today.  I promise not to use nicotine TODAY and to support my June 11 brothers in their legendary quits TODAY.  Fuck staying quit for a year.  One day at a time.  Post, keep your word, repeat.  Stay strong brothers and congratulations to all our June 11 HOF’ers.

-KD

one day at a time......
that is the way we quit..
awesome job....
TCOPE

Thanks, brother. I'm following your lead this time...
Quit Date - 3/15/11
HOF Date - 6/22/11

HOF Speech:
Welcome to My Spy Movie

My Life as a Quitter:
Time to Grow a Spine
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GTFAN
Newbie
[ * ]
This is some very inspirational reading for a new quitter. Thank you for the glimpse into your life/quit.
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Radman
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Never again..... for any reason.
[ *  *  *  * ]
kneedragger
Jun 7, 2011, 10:30 am
TCOPE
Jun 7, 2011, 10:21 am
kneedragger
Jun 7, 2011, 11:16 am
Day 85 - Turning 37

I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday by making a classic rookie mistake.  I was travelling home from Mexico, so I had to post roll call from my blackberry, which always sucks.  As I was fumbling around trying to get my roll posted, I had a thought.  It occurred to me that this could be my first year nicotine free in 25 years.  That realization felt a little like this:

(A little bit of excitement),
(Excitement building) - wow a whole year without nicotine…that would be amazing
(Really excited) - holy shit, I haven’t done that in…fuck…has it really been 25 years?
(A little less excited…slight anxiety)
(A little more anxiety) - shit, a year is a long time
(A lot more anxiety) – how am I supposed to stay quit for a whole year when I’ve been an addict for 25 years?
(anxiety, starting to feel a little bit hopeless) – what makes me think I can beat a 25 year old…blah…blah…blah

Stop…stop…stop…take a deep fuckin’ breath and get your head right

All I have to worry about is today.  I promise not to use nicotine TODAY and to support my June 11 brothers in their legendary quits TODAY.   Fuck staying quit for a year.  One day at a time.  Post, keep your word, repeat.  Stay strong brothers and congratulations to all our June 11 HOF’ers.

-KD

one day at a time......
that is the way we quit..
awesome job....
TCOPE

Thanks, brother. I'm following your lead this time...

Well played, kd. Well played, indeed.
Four wheels move the body, two wheels move the soul.

HOF 12-23-2010 Read my HOF speech
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kneedragger
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[ *  * ]
Day 87 - How big is 100?

I usually work out at a gym where our coach determines the daily workouts. All I have to do is show up, get the crap beat out of me, shower and go to work. But, recently I spent a long weekend in Mexico. I was only there for four days, but I wanted to get at least a couple workouts in while I was there. The gym at the hotel kinda sucked, so I tried to put together a workout that wouldn’t require a whole lot of equipment. I was inspired by my fellow June 2011 Legends, many of whom have reached or are fast approaching the HOF. So I put together an HOF’er’s workout to make me appreciate how big a number 100 is. The hotel gym had a treadmill that showed distance in hundredths of a mile, so I was able to incorporate running into the workout of one hundreds. This is how it went:

Run 1 mile
100 push-ups
100 squats
100 sit-ups
Run 1 mile

In theory, all of this was meant to be done as fast as possible. The treadmill messes that up a little, but I wanted to watch it count to 100, so I did the workout inside instead of running outdoors. For the first mile, I set the treadmill at 9mph. But for the last mile, I had to slow it down to 8mph and eventually down to 7mph so I could finish without throwing up on the nice clean treadmill.

So what’s the answer to the question, “how big a number is 100?” The answer is, of course...it depends. It depends entirely on what you’re doing. I can tell you for certain that the last mile was a hell of a lot harder than the first mile. And the sit-ups were a hell of a lot harder than the push-ups. But none of this was nearly as hard as quitting a 25 year old addiction to the perfect drug. It’s amazing how easy it is to forget, but for many of us (myself included), quitting this addiction is literally the hardest thing we’ve ever done…ever. And when I’m reminded of that fact, I get really fuckin’ stoked about what a HUGE number 100 is. Just fuckin’ HUGE. And then I swell with more than a little bit of pride at how many badass quittin’ legends from June 2011 are approaching this amazing milestone.

Take pride my brothers. While we all realize this is just a stop on our journey, the HOF is still an admirable accomplishment. You guys are just fuckin’ awesome, so be sure to celebrate. I’m proud to be quit with you.

-KD out
Quit Date - 3/15/11
HOF Date - 6/22/11

HOF Speech:
Welcome to My Spy Movie

My Life as a Quitter:
Time to Grow a Spine
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kneedragger
Member Avatar
Quitter
[ *  * ]
Day 98

The first few days of the 90’s were really tough for me. I think June 2011 is a pretty upbeat place right now, and it’s been exciting seeing so many guys hit the HOF. But these few tough days in my early 90’s reminded me that my fight is not over. It has gotten a hell of a lot better, but it’s definitely not over. Complacency is my biggest enemy and I need to make sure I don’t succumb to her like I have in the past.

These bad days felt a lot like some of the bad days I had earlier in my quit. I was very irritable, turned everything into an argument, passive aggressive, all that childish crap. I was just impossible to be around. The worst was last Monday, day 91 for me. We were on a drive from Richmond, VA back to New York after a long weekend with my wife’s family and a quick stop in to see an old grad school friend. The day we drove back, I was hung over and tired. We went to bed after 1am, and I got up with my son when he started to stir just before 6am. On the drive back, my wife did a lot of driving so I could attempt to catch up on sleep, but our son was uncharacteristically difficult. He must have sensed my need for sleep, because he would not stop crying. Then there was all the traffic getting through D.C….

So, crying kid, no sleep, throbbing head, loads of traffic…that’s a bad day for just about anybody. But for me, it amounted to some pretty killer craves. It seemed like some dormant part of my brain came alive and began demanding the type of chemical release it had grown so accustomed to after so many years. I may be getting better and better at suppressing that dormant part of my brain, but it’s not gone…it probably never will be.

Help came from an unexpected place. A couple hours in, my wife turned to me and said, “This must be pretty tough for you, huh?” It was amazing how much this helped. Sometimes we just need to feel like someone understands our struggles. Despite all the shit I’ve put my wife through in three attempts at quitting, she’s still trying her best to be empathetic. I suddenly felt like she was there to help me get through it - made all the difference in the world.

The day after we got back, she sent an invite to my work calendar for Wednesday night, June 22nd. All the invite said was “Celebrate 100”. I never told her what my HOF date was. Guess she was paying more attention than I thought. Hard to imagine since she’s been on the receiving end of most of my bad moods. I’m a lucky, lucky man.

-KD
Quit Date - 3/15/11
HOF Date - 6/22/11

HOF Speech:
Welcome to My Spy Movie

My Life as a Quitter:
Time to Grow a Spine
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Miles
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Excellence is not an exception, it is a prevailing attitude.
[ *  *  *  * ]
Totally relate with this. I was foggy as hell on day 100...I'm kinda foggy today for some reason.

You have a good woman. Cherish her friend.

Proud to be quit with ya Kneedragger. One day at a time.
June Legend 2011
Quit = 03/7/2011
HOF = 06/15/2011
COMMA = 12/01/2013
FOREVER QUIT - NEVER LOOKING BACK - HOLD ME TO THAT STATEMENT PLEASE

Let Him Roll

MY STORY

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Cancrusher
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███ QUIT: √ ███
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Miles
Jun 20, 2011, 9:29 am
Totally relate with this. I was foggy as hell on day 100...I'm kinda foggy today for some reason.

You have a good woman. Cherish her friend.

Proud to be quit with ya Kneedragger. One day at a time.

I second this motion. Hang on to that one, she must love you a lot to still show this kind of support after always getting the shit end of the stick, trust me, I know.

I plummeted into an epic fog after a dip dream on day 365. Trust me, I feel ya on the rogue wave of craves. I just tell myself to keep it simple. Post every day. Keep my word. The rest will work itself out. Complacency is a scary thing at this stage in our Quits. Our Quit brothers will begin to post less and less, but don't let this change your course. I will post in my group, alone, til day 5,000+. That is just the realization I had. I can't be one of those people who leaves this place. It will be the end of my Quit.

I ramble, I know, just felt like talkin' with ya!

Stay strong!

CC
Quit Date 5.19.2010
FLOOR I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI XII XIII XIV XV XVI XVIII XIX XX XXI XXII XXIII XXIV XXV
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kneedragger
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[ *  * ]
Day 113 - A few things in the news today:

Reynolds views smokeless as core to it's growth strategy. Smokeless boasts 50% operating margins, vs. 30% for cigarettes.
Firing Up Tobacco Sales - Without the Smoke

Pfizer smoking cessation drug linked to a 72% increase in cardiovascular problems.
Pfizer Drug Tied to Heart Risks

More evidence of how important this site is. Use it, live by it, stake a claim to your own freedom. Don't be an asshole and contribute to big tobacco's pay day. And don't think a short cut from big pharma is going to do the work for you. Your freedom is here for the taking. Nut up and post roll. Keep your promise for today, repeat tomorrow.
Quit Date - 3/15/11
HOF Date - 6/22/11

HOF Speech:
Welcome to My Spy Movie

My Life as a Quitter:
Time to Grow a Spine
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DeanTheCoot
Member Avatar
Quit Ninja
[ *  *  * ]
KD: I thought about you on Sunday while I was watching the GP of Italy. I remembered that you are a caving asshole....who now exists in quit nirvana. Glad you posted something in your Introduction today, as it served as another reminder to tell you that you are a god. You own this. I am proud to quit with you.

Balls + Resolve = Quit

Woot
HOF Speech for the Ages

http://forum.killthecan.org/topic/1004706/1/

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kneedragger
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Quitter
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DeanTheCoot
Jul 5, 2011, 2:03 pm
KD: I thought about you on Sunday while I was watching the GP of Italy. I remembered that you are a caving asshole....who now exists in quit nirvana. Glad you posted something in your Introduction today, as it served as another reminder to tell you that you are a god. You own this. I am proud to quit with you.

Balls + Resolve = Quit

Woot

Awesome...thanks for checkin' in, man. I'm quit with you today...
Quit Date - 3/15/11
HOF Date - 6/22/11

HOF Speech:
Welcome to My Spy Movie

My Life as a Quitter:
Time to Grow a Spine
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kneedragger
Member Avatar
Quitter
[ *  * ]
Day - 127

Havin' a bit of a tough run. It occurred to me not too long ago that the rage and mood swings usually associated with the early quit had not subsided as much as I would have expected. I still get pretty frustrated and I can be thrown into a mood swing with little provocation. I also feel like that voice in my head that says wildly inappropriate things at high volumes is coming closer and closer to breaking through the surface.

Anyway, I guess I thought I was handling it, but recently my therapist took notice. In a recent session she recommended anti-depressants. It was a pretty big blow to my feeling of accomplishment, but she seems to feel like my mood swings are extreme and effecting my ability to function productively. And of course she thinks it could be taking its toll on my wife.

She assures me that the goal is not to lobotomize me, but it's hard not to feel like I'm just trading one crutch for another. If this is my new reality, then maybe I just need to learn to live with it. Regardless, it's been very difficult not to be depressed about possibly needing anti-depressants. That's obviously counter-productive, but that's been my world for the last week or so. If anyone's got any advice on this one, I'm all ears.
Quit Date - 3/15/11
HOF Date - 6/22/11

HOF Speech:
Welcome to My Spy Movie

My Life as a Quitter:
Time to Grow a Spine
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Scowick65
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Quit Sherpa
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
kneedragger
Jul 20, 2011, 11:18 am
Day - 127

Havin' a bit of a tough run. It occurred to me not too long ago that the rage and mood swings usually associated with the early quit had not subsided as much as I would have expected. I still get pretty frustrated and I can be thrown into a mood swing with little provocation. I also feel like that voice in my head that says wildly inappropriate things at high volumes is coming closer and closer to breaking through the surface.

Anyway, I guess I thought I was handling it, but recently my therapist took notice. In a recent session she recommended anti-depressants. It was a pretty big blow to my feeling of accomplishment, but she seems to feel like my mood swings are extreme and effecting my ability to function productively. And of course she thinks it could be taking its toll on my wife.

She assures me that the goal is not to lobotomize me, but it's hard not to feel like I'm just trading one crutch for another. If this is my new reality, then maybe I just need to learn to live with it. Regardless, it's been very difficult not to be depressed about possibly needing anti-depressants. That's obviously counter-productive, but that's been my world for the last week or so. If anyone's got any advice on this one, I'm all ears.

I had a funk in the 120s. I have not had many since and I am on day 222.
1 Problem + Nicotine = 2 Problems
"Cavers find a way to cave. Quitters find a way to quit" ~ 30

Post with March 2011
Day 2,600: 1/22/2018
Day 0,001: 12/11/2010

HOF Speach: I am not a unique and special butterfly
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rustaf
Proud tornado of quit jackassery
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Scowick65
Jul 20, 2011, 9:37 am
kneedragger
Jul 20, 2011, 11:18 am
Day - 127

Havin' a bit of a tough run.  It occurred to me not too long ago that the rage and mood swings usually associated with the early quit had not subsided as much as I would have expected.  I still get pretty frustrated and I can be thrown into a mood swing with little provocation.  I also feel like that voice in my head that says wildly inappropriate things at high volumes is coming closer and closer to breaking through the surface. 

Anyway, I guess I thought I was handling it, but recently my therapist took notice.  In a recent session she recommended anti-depressants.  It was a pretty big blow to my feeling of accomplishment, but she seems to feel like my mood swings are extreme and effecting my ability to function productively.  And of course she thinks it could be taking its toll on my wife.

She assures me that the goal is not to lobotomize me, but it's hard not to feel like I'm just trading one crutch for another.  If this is my new reality, then maybe I just need to learn to live with it.  Regardless, it's been very difficult not to be depressed about possibly needing anti-depressants.  That's obviously counter-productive, but that's been my world for the last week or so.  If anyone's got any advice on this one, I'm all ears.

I had a funk in the 120s. I have not had many since and I am on day 222.

Would you feel the same about anti-depressants if they were insulin for diabetes? You may have a chemical imbalance in your head that needs some adjusting to function in a better way. If that new crutch can save your marriage, your job, the life you have, isn't that worth one pill in the morning or night? Strength is asking for help, not ignoring the problem.
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kneedragger
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rustaf
Jul 20, 2011, 1:48 pm
Scowick65
Jul 20, 2011, 9:37 am
kneedragger
Jul 20, 2011, 11:18 am
Day - 127

Havin' a bit of a tough run.  It occurred to me not too long ago that the rage and mood swings usually associated with the early quit had not subsided as much as I would have expected.  I still get pretty frustrated and I can be thrown into a mood swing with little provocation.  I also feel like that voice in my head that says wildly inappropriate things at high volumes is coming closer and closer to breaking through the surface. 

Anyway, I guess I thought I was handling it, but recently my therapist took notice.  In a recent session she recommended anti-depressants.  It was a pretty big blow to my feeling of accomplishment, but she seems to feel like my mood swings are extreme and effecting my ability to function productively.  And of course she thinks it could be taking its toll on my wife.

She assures me that the goal is not to lobotomize me, but it's hard not to feel like I'm just trading one crutch for another.  If this is my new reality, then maybe I just need to learn to live with it.  Regardless, it's been very difficult not to be depressed about possibly needing anti-depressants.  That's obviously counter-productive, but that's been my world for the last week or so.  If anyone's got any advice on this one, I'm all ears.

I had a funk in the 120s. I have not had many since and I am on day 222.

Would you feel the same about anti-depressants if they were insulin for diabetes? You may have a chemical imbalance in your head that needs some adjusting to function in a better way. If that new crutch can save your marriage, your job, the life you have, isn't that worth one pill in the morning or night? Strength is asking for help, not ignoring the problem.

I'm glad you responded, Russ. Partly because I love your avatar, but mostly because I wanted you're opinion. I get the whole chemical imbalance argument, it's just unfortunate that having an imbalance feels a lot like being a whiney bitch.

Regardless of whether or not I'm chemically imbalanced, I'm struggling to find a rationale for anti-depressants that makes sense to me. I think the logic proposed by my therapist is that I'm attempting to adapt, both psychologically and physiologically, to life without nicotine and this imbalance is a temporary side effect of that.

If that's the case, and it's really temporary, then the pills only serve to help me through this rough patch as my body attempts to adjust. This explanation is somewhat appealing as it suggests only a temporary need for medication. But part of me feels that if this is part of the suffering I have coming to me to free myself from nicotine, then I should bare that burden and fight for my freedom on my own. Maybe that's immature, or it's my inner Braveheart speaking, I don't know, but I can't help feeling like I'm cheating on my quit.

The other possibility is that she's wrong, and this is just who I am. Maybe this aspect of me has been muted over the last 25 years by an addiction to nicotine, but if this is my new reality, then I should learn to cope on my own.

What am I missing, Russ?
Quit Date - 3/15/11
HOF Date - 6/22/11

HOF Speech:
Welcome to My Spy Movie

My Life as a Quitter:
Time to Grow a Spine
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