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Time to Grow a Spine; Quit for Good
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Topic Started: Apr 15 2010, 06:02 PM (6,139 Views)
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Scowick65
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Mar 21 2011, 12:14 PM
Post #61
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- Posts:
- 16,137
- Group:
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- Member
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- Joined:
- December 29, 2010
- Quit Date
- 12/11/2010
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- kneedragger
- Mar 21, 2011, 11:01 am
Sorry, but this may be a long one. I’ve had a pretty eventful weekend with my quit, but it’s been awhile since I’ve had a reliable broadband connection. I’ve had a lot of time alone this weekend, which is definitely not ideal early in a quit. My wife took my son to visit his grandparents this weekend. They left on Thurs and I got a hall pass to spend the weekend in the mountains of NH and Vermont. I used to head to northern NH almost every weekend when I lived in Boston, and I’ve really missed it since moving to the urban jungle nine years ago.
Since my wife left Thurs and I didn’t leave until Friday, I had Thurs night to myself. I don’t remember where I first read it, but someone on this site once posted that if you’re home alone, you’re behind enemy lines. I used to have that as part of my auto signature. Anyway, I was anxious about sitting home by myself all night, so I stayed at work late and then came home and immediately strapped on my running shoes. I ran into Central Park, put my head down and just kept going. It was a great way to remove myself from temptation, but it was also a lot of time alone with my thoughts. I didn’t even grab an ipod. It was just me and myself, alone in the dark, feet pounding, thoughts spinning, sweat dripping…thinking about everything and, at the same time, thinking that my thoughts weren’t worth thinking about. That my perspective is twisted, my aggravation and anger is artificial, my problems are numerous and my ability to solve them is questionable. And I ran and ran and ran and ran…and finally, I couldn’t run anymore. Unfortunately, I tapped out pretty far from home. That didn’t matter, though. I’d found an outlet for my anxiety and wore myself out. By the time I got home I was thinking a bit more clearly. I said fuck it to all the mountainous problems to which I lacked solutions and focused on the only thing I absolutely had to do that day…stay quit. Since I was so tired I could hardly stand, I hit the sack and brought the day to a close. Another day nic free.
Friday morning, I felt a lot better. It was 70 degrees and Sunny in the city. I bagged out of work early to get a jump on the drive up north. It felt like spring, like new life, like windows down, fresh air, sun on my face, spring in my step. It was a good day and I enjoyed the time alone on the open road with the ipod on shuffle. It was just me and Buddy Guy and Dr. John and Clapton and Taj Mahal and Junior Wells and they were all nice enough to let me sing along with them. I hit the NH border and had that same feeling I used to always feel when I crossed the border from Massachusetts. That weight falling away, the mountains calling me to ski their slopes, climb their rock faces, hike their woods, share their views. I was ready for some mountain therapy. And Jay Peak had gotten three feet of snow only last week…
…but luck was not on my side. What I didn’t know was that Thurs night, while I was running aimlessly in Central Park, Jay Peak was blanketed with heavy downpours. The snow was saturated, and the nights were cold enough to freeze the wet snow into bulletproof sheets of ice. Arguably some of the worst ski conditions I’ve ever seen. We checked ice reports in hopes of swapping skis for ice axes and crampons, but the warm days had aerated the flows in most areas. It would be like trying to climb a snow cone. So skiing was out and ice climbing was out. It was clear I would be denied my mountain therapy. I made the most of it with a little winter hiking and catching up with old friends at local outfitters and taverns. I tried my best not to lament my misfortune and told the mountains I would never hold it against them.
I packed up to leave in the early afternoon on Sunday. I had my quit strategy in full effect, just like I did for the drive up. I was stocked up with snacks, gum, etc, but needed to stop to load up with my favorite nic replacement…strong, dark, black coffee. I remembered a gas station off the highway in Lincoln, NH with a Dunkin’ Donuts in the station. I pulled in and was in the station before I remembered that they’d actually closed the D&D counter and opened up a standalone store next door. I decided I’d just grab another bottle of water before jumping back in the car and heading next door. I can’t really explain why I allowed myself to actually walk to the counter of a gas station right before a six hour drive…it was just stupid on so many levels. Why not just walk right up to the sleeping dragon and punch him in the nose… So I’m standing there, holding a bottle of water, staring at the rack of tins right over the cashier’s left shoulder, thinking to myself “what the FUCK am I doing here? ” And the gas station attendant looks at me and says, “Anything else…?”
But then I thought DECIDE. It was so clear; I could almost read it on the wall in front of me. That’s all that matters. Yes it was stupid to walk into this gas station, but it still comes down to a decision, and as weak as I am, the decision is still mine to make. So stop being a pussy, but the water on the counter, pay the nice man and get the fuck back in the car. DECIDE that you can operate a motor vehicle without a lump of turd in your lip. DECIDE that your word and your quit mean something to you. So I did…and I walked out with my water. I drove next door, got the biggest black coffee I’ve ever seen and rewarded myself with a chocolate donut.
So I guess overall, my efforts at escapism failed. My search for mountain therapy, my attempt to make the first weekend of my quit easier, my hopes of forgetting about my problems for a while…all failed. Then I got home and my wife told me that she wants me to do couples therapy in addition to the therapist I’m already seeing to help me with my quit. She said she had “trust issues”…FUUUUUUUCK!!! Just when I think it’s safe to straighten up a bit…another shot in the nads. That’s the killer about trust…so hard to build and so easy to destroy. All I can do is re-build it a day at a time. And despite how hard this weekend was, I kept my word for three hard days. Hard fuckin’ day. I gotta count that as a win. I have to.
The last thing I’ll tell you about is an unexpected moment of peace I had during my drive home last night. I really kind of cherish the moment since I was really hoping for a whole weekend of peace and this is all I got. As I got off I-91 and started down the Merritt Parkway driving into the setting sun, the shuffle on my ipod picked up an Allman Brothers tune that really put my mind at ease. I felt a little tension release from the small of my back. It was probably the best I felt all weekend…
Everybody`s Got A Mountain To Climb Lyrics by Dickey Betts
Everybody's got a mountain to climb, This road we travel gets a little tough sometimes, Sometimes I know you feel like you can't go on, Need somebody help you get back home, Need a friend to help you find your way home.
Reverend Pearly Brown say there's peace out on the water at night, Big sun going down, Lord it's a pretty sight, Red and blue across the water makes a wonderful song, Listen to it all night long.
Chorus: Everybody's got a mountain to climb, Don't be discouraged when the sun don't shine, Gotta keep on pulling, you gotta keep on tryin', Everybody's got a mountain to climb, Everybody's got a mountain to climb.
Who'd cross the face of a little smilin' child?, Take away the loser's one last chance?, Who wouldn't linger down by the old river for a while? You know the whole world loves you when you're dancin'.
So, hey let me tell you what I'm talkin' about, You can't go around with your lip stuck out. Life ain't all good but it sure ain't bad, Anyway it's the best old life I ever had.
Everybody's got a mountain to climb, Don't be discouraged when the sun don't shine, Gotta keep on pulling, you gotta keep on tryin', Everybody's got a mountain to climb.
Good job writing all of your thoughts down. This helps. The essence of a quit isyour store experience. Being strong 99% of the time is not enough. It takes 100%. You were tested. You had but a few seconds to make a decision and you choose wisely. That is where a quit is broken. Well done. You will get stronger. You will put more tools in your toolbox as you go on. Make no mistake, you will find yourself in this circumstance again.
Alone in my car is one of my triggers. I cringed when I was reading this part. Well done.
Nicotine has made us all addicts and liars. She will rob from a good soul. This is why quitting is sooo important.
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1 Problem + Nicotine = 2 Problems "Cavers find a way to cave. Quitters find a way to quit" ~ 30
Post with March 2011 Day 2,600: 1/22/2018 Day 0,001: 12/11/2010
HOF Speach: I am not a unique and special butterfly
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kneedragger
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Apr 6 2011, 11:38 AM
Post #62
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In many ways, this quit has been easier than my last two. Perhaps, since I’ve spent some significant time away from nicotine, the initial shock of withdrawal hasn’t been as strong this time. I’m not sure if that’s true, but it doesn’t matter. I knew I was going to make it through the early quit. I know what the right mind set feels like. I know what it feels like to feel commitment to the group and refuse to make any excuse to break that daily promise. I know this process works, especially in the early days of the quit. But now I need to think about the long term.
I posted before that I started seeing a therapist. I’m not wild about discussing that fact, but I do want to contribute to the community, so I’ll share what I’m learning in these sessions. Hopefully, something here will help someone maintain their quit for the long-term. Of course, this is therapy, so the observations below are just theories. They are the therapist’s suggestions for what may be causing my feelings of stress, anxiety, disappointment, depression, etc. I can’t say for sure that these observations are accurate, or that they will pertain to you. They’re just working theories. Take them with a grain of salt.
For now, the working theory is that nicotine has been a coping mechanism for me for so long (since I was 12) that I have difficulty coping with 1) stress and 2) significant life decisions in the absence of nicotine. Most recent sessions have focused on these two things. So, taken one at a time:
Stress
I don’t want to get into why I’m stressed, but several of you know what it feels like to deal with stress during the quit. When you’re used to using dip as a coping mechanism, it’s very hard to find alternative relief in a way that’s so immediately and chemically satisfying. Several people on this board have suggested regular exercise, which I agree helps. However, it’s not so immediate. It’s more like a long term lifestyle decision that will reduce your overall average stress levels over time. I agree that this is a good way to manage stress, just give it a little time to work.
Other suggestions from both veteran quitters and my therapist are to indulge in introspective personal relaxation time with activities like meditation and yoga. I need to attempt both of these, and I haven’t done it yet. The fact is, I’m not excited about it and I don’t want to do it. But I need to get over that and be a little more open minded. I’m working on it.
A final observation on stress is that it helps if you can avoid making any major decisions during the first few months of your quit. Unfortunately, I need to make a fairly major decision about the direction of my career…but that’s just my bad luck. If possible, I would recommend giving your quit time to strengthen a bit before putting yourself through the stress of a major decision that could jeopardize your quit. That’s just my opinion, though. Others may have different views.
Significant Life Decisions
There are a couple points here that I’ll attempt to explain:
First, is what I would call the “easy going guy” effect. The idea is that I spent much of my life hiding behind my nicotine addiction. I always thought of myself as easy going, and pretty much happy with anything. But, this isn’t true. In reality, at key decision points in my life, I had the opportunity to assert myself…to decide what I wanted from life and make decisions consistent with those needs. In many cases, these are the turning points that ultimately decide who we are. But they are also very often difficult decisions to make. In these situations, instead of asserting myself, I suppressed my feelings about what I really wanted. Or maybe I lacked the courage to assert myself and take control of my life. Then I used nicotine to cope with the disappointment of what I ultimately ended up with.
That was actually pretty tough to put into words, and I’m not sure I got it quite right. It sounds a little dramatic. But when I look back at the things I truly love in life and consider how little time I actually spend enjoying them. When I think about how many decisions I made because I felt most people would consider it the right decision…not ME, but most people. I never made the effort to decide what’s right for ME.
I remember a distinct fork in the road in 2002. In the span of a few days, I got two very different offers…I got offered a job as a climbing guide in North Conway, NH, and I got into Columbia Business School. I still don’t know if I made the right choice.
The second point is related to the first. It’s this feeling of “is this really what I was working for?” I’m now in my mid-30s. All the ambition, fire and determination that marked my late teens and 20s has faded because now that I’ve achieved some level of success, I find the results to be disappointing. And if you’re wondering why they’re disappointing, maybe you should go back and the read the “easy going guy” paragraph. They’re disappointing because they don’t represent how I define success because I never bothered to figure out how I define success. They represent how I think others define success, or how society defines success. And I’ve been willing to live with it because I’m an “easy going guy”.
My therapist will occasionally make a comment that really sticks with me. When she was talking about this issue she said, “You’re a smart guy, and you’ll figure it out and you’ll do OK. If that’s all you want, then keep doing what you’re doing.” I think it sticks in my head because I haven't figured out what to do about it yet.
Well, I think it’s clear that I’m no therapist, so I don’t know if I’ve explained these concepts well. If nothing else, it’s something to think about as you plan for the long haul nic free. I hope it’s helped someone out there, b/c it wasn’t easy or fun to put into words. Stay quit my friends, and PM me if you want to talk about any of this depressing shit.
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Quit Date - 3/15/11 HOF Date - 6/22/11
HOF Speech: Welcome to My Spy Movie
My Life as a Quitter: Time to Grow a Spine
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kneedragger
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Apr 29 2011, 03:34 PM
Post #63
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I walked up Lexington Ave this morning and wasn't really thinking about where I was going. Next thing I knew, I found myself standing outside the news stand where I used to always buy a tin on the way to work. Guess I was just day dreaming and not thinking about where I was going.
Once I realized where I was, I stood on the sidewalk, staring into that gaping door and had a bit of an "oh shit" moment. But despite being no more than five feet from the door, I didn't feel the slightest pull to go inside. I'll certainly be more diligent about avoiding these places in the future, but it was great to feel that freedom. Really made my day.
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Quit Date - 3/15/11 HOF Date - 6/22/11
HOF Speech: Welcome to My Spy Movie
My Life as a Quitter: Time to Grow a Spine
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longhorn77
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Apr 29 2011, 09:03 PM
Post #64
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Kneedragger -
I wasn't aware of your situation, I think you should link this up in June. Stay quit brother, PM me with anything you need.
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I have wrassled with an alligator, I done tussled with a whale, I done handcuffed lightning, and thrown thunder in jail.
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kneedragger
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May 3 2011, 11:38 AM
Post #65
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- April 12, 2010
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Day 50
Half way to HOF and the battle rages on. I mean that quite literally, b/c nicotine clearly has quite a bit of fight left in it. Yesterday was one of the darkest, most negative days I can remember. It was a bit of a different experience for me. I’m used to having dip rage, but yesterday was less about rage and more about crushing negativity. I’ve been doing a bit of writing as a form of introspection lately and I wrote a few things yesterday that give a sense of what I was feeling:
On my job: “What an odd combination of events that seem custom designed to inflict psychological torture and enhanced feelings of complete worthlessness.” “I’m a Real Estate guy and we no longer have a Real Estate product, I am officially useless.” “So, my options are to work on any of the numerous crappy projects that they can’t get anyone else to run while I sneak out for interviews whenever possible.” “I sit at my desk everyday and continue to be the best paid waste of space in the company.” “If this keeps up much longer, I’ll be the guy on the roof with a sniper rifle…”
On my marriage: “I believe we focus on Ryan to avoid dealing with each other.” “I don’t find our relationship exciting and every time I try to find excitement, I have to justify more time spent away from my family.” “She doesn’t seem to be passionate about anything. I don’t know how to support her interests to pay her back for supporting mine. Or maybe it’s frustrating that she doesn’t seem to need anything while I’m constantly searching for something fulfilling.”
On Wellness: “I can only logically conclude that from a wellness perspective, I am a complete disaster.” “I have no concept of what wellness feels like, I’m dissatisfied with everything, I have no ability to manage stress and I have no over-arching spiritual belief system.”
I think you get the point. Yesterday was tough and seriously depressing. The best I can describe it is that I was incredibly lonely but also needed to be alone, because I would lash out at anyone near me.
So I posted all this for the sake of making two points:
1 – Yesterday was day 49 for me. I find that ironic because the last time I quit, I stopped using the site at day 48 because I didn’t think I needed it anymore. Yesterday was a stern reminder that I still need the site and that I still have some serious fighting to do.
2 – I’m sure everyone has heard veterans talk about how your quit can get tough, even after you have those first couple of weeks under your belt. It’s hard to believe because you’re feeling in control for the first time in your life. You’re convinced that you’ve got it beat this time. You can’t imagine what nicotine could throw at you that would be harder than those first three days. Well now you know what it threw at me. Maybe it will be easier for you, and I hope it is. But if I can in some small way help you be prepared, then this post was worth it.
KD
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Quit Date - 3/15/11 HOF Date - 6/22/11
HOF Speech: Welcome to My Spy Movie
My Life as a Quitter: Time to Grow a Spine
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nomosko
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May 3 2011, 12:45 PM
Post #66
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- kneedragger
- May 3, 2011, 3:38 pm
Day 50
Half way to HOF and the battle rages on. I mean that quite literally, b/c nicotine clearly has quite a bit of fight left in it. Yesterday was one of the darkest, most negative days I can remember. It was a bit of a different experience for me. I’m used to having dip rage, but yesterday was less about rage and more about crushing negativity. I’ve been doing a bit of writing as a form of introspection lately and I wrote a few things yesterday that give a sense of what I was feeling:
On my job: “What an odd combination of events that seem custom designed to inflict psychological torture and enhanced feelings of complete worthlessness.” “I’m a Real Estate guy and we no longer have a Real Estate product, I am officially useless.” “So, my options are to work on any of the numerous crappy projects that they can’t get anyone else to run while I sneak out for interviews whenever possible.” “I sit at my desk everyday and continue to be the best paid waste of space in the company.” “If this keeps up much longer, I’ll be the guy on the roof with a sniper rifle…”
On my marriage: “I believe we focus on Ryan to avoid dealing with each other.” “I don’t find our relationship exciting and every time I try to find excitement, I have to justify more time spent away from my family.” “She doesn’t seem to be passionate about anything. I don’t know how to support her interests to pay her back for supporting mine. Or maybe it’s frustrating that she doesn’t seem to need anything while I’m constantly searching for something fulfilling.”
On Wellness: “I can only logically conclude that from a wellness perspective, I am a complete disaster.” “I have no concept of what wellness feels like, I’m dissatisfied with everything, I have no ability to manage stress and I have no over-arching spiritual belief system.”
I think you get the point. Yesterday was tough and seriously depressing. The best I can describe it is that I was incredibly lonely but also needed to be alone, because I would lash out at anyone near me.
So I posted all this for the sake of making two points:
1 – Yesterday was day 49 for me. I find that ironic because the last time I quit, I stopped using the site at day 48 because I didn’t think I needed it anymore. Yesterday was a stern reminder that I still need the site and that I still have some serious fighting to do.
2 – I’m sure everyone has heard veterans talk about how your quit can get tough, even after you have those first couple of weeks under your belt. It’s hard to believe because you’re feeling in control for the first time in your life. You’re convinced that you’ve got it beat this time. You can’t imagine what nicotine could throw at you that would be harder than those first three days. Well now you know what it threw at me. Maybe it will be easier for you, and I hope it is. But if I can in some small way help you be prepared, then this post was worth it.
KD
I am on day 87 of my quit. The 50's were the worst for me also. I felt absolutely worthless. All I can tell you is that I feel much better now. People who have quit longer than I have might have a better perspective but this is my theory. You are at a time when you are being forced to deal with parts of your life that you were able to ignore while nicotine was running through your system. It is just another part of the healing process. Hang in there. If you need anything PM me.
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Never give up!!! Quit, Quit, Quit Quit Date 2/6/11 HOF 5/16/11 2nd floor 8/24/11 3rd floor 12/2/11 1 Year 2/5/12 4th floor 3/11/12 5th floor 6/19/12 6th floor 9/27/12 7th floor 1/5/13 2 Years 2/5/13 8th floor 4/15/13 9th floor 7/25/13 COMMA 11/1/13 3 Years 2/5/14 11th floor 2/9/14
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Scowick65
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May 3 2011, 01:09 PM
Post #67
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- Posts:
- 16,137
- Group:
- Moderators (Retired)
- Member
- #10,096
- Joined:
- December 29, 2010
- Quit Date
- 12/11/2010
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- nomosko
- May 3, 2011, 12:45 pm
- kneedragger
- May 3, 2011, 3:38 pm
Day 50
Half way to HOF and the battle rages on. I mean that quite literally, b/c nicotine clearly has quite a bit of fight left in it. Yesterday was one of the darkest, most negative days I can remember. It was a bit of a different experience for me. I’m used to having dip rage, but yesterday was less about rage and more about crushing negativity. I’ve been doing a bit of writing as a form of introspection lately and I wrote a few things yesterday that give a sense of what I was feeling:
On my job: “What an odd combination of events that seem custom designed to inflict psychological torture and enhanced feelings of complete worthlessness.” “I’m a Real Estate guy and we no longer have a Real Estate product, I am officially useless.” “So, my options are to work on any of the numerous crappy projects that they can’t get anyone else to run while I sneak out for interviews whenever possible.” “I sit at my desk everyday and continue to be the best paid waste of space in the company.” “If this keeps up much longer, I’ll be the guy on the roof with a sniper rifle…”
On my marriage: “I believe we focus on Ryan to avoid dealing with each other.” “I don’t find our relationship exciting and every time I try to find excitement, I have to justify more time spent away from my family.” “She doesn’t seem to be passionate about anything. I don’t know how to support her interests to pay her back for supporting mine. Or maybe it’s frustrating that she doesn’t seem to need anything while I’m constantly searching for something fulfilling.”
On Wellness: “I can only logically conclude that from a wellness perspective, I am a complete disaster.” “I have no concept of what wellness feels like, I’m dissatisfied with everything, I have no ability to manage stress and I have no over-arching spiritual belief system.”
I think you get the point. Yesterday was tough and seriously depressing. The best I can describe it is that I was incredibly lonely but also needed to be alone, because I would lash out at anyone near me.
So I posted all this for the sake of making two points:
1 – Yesterday was day 49 for me. I find that ironic because the last time I quit, I stopped using the site at day 48 because I didn’t think I needed it anymore. Yesterday was a stern reminder that I still need the site and that I still have some serious fighting to do.
2 – I’m sure everyone has heard veterans talk about how your quit can get tough, even after you have those first couple of weeks under your belt. It’s hard to believe because you’re feeling in control for the first time in your life. You’re convinced that you’ve got it beat this time. You can’t imagine what nicotine could throw at you that would be harder than those first three days. Well now you know what it threw at me. Maybe it will be easier for you, and I hope it is. But if I can in some small way help you be prepared, then this post was worth it.
KD
I am on day 87 of my quit. The 50's were the worst for me also. I felt absolutely worthless. All I can tell you is that I feel much better now. People who have quit longer than I have might have a better perspective but this is my theory. You are at a time when you are being forced to deal with parts of your life that you were able to ignore while nicotine was running through your system. It is just another part of the healing process. Hang in there. If you need anything PM me.
I had bouts of depression in my quit. For me they were in the 70s. So, my guess is you are just as normal as the rest of us. I had have had only one bout of depression since then and I am at 144. Frankly, I have never felt better and I manage my stress better as well. So, what I am saying is things will likely improve for you. Stay quit. Nicotine solves nothing.
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1 Problem + Nicotine = 2 Problems "Cavers find a way to cave. Quitters find a way to quit" ~ 30
Post with March 2011 Day 2,600: 1/22/2018 Day 0,001: 12/11/2010
HOF Speach: I am not a unique and special butterfly
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Greg5280
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May 3 2011, 01:48 PM
Post #68
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- Scowick65
- May 3, 2011, 12:09 pm
- nomosko
- May 3, 2011, 12:45 pm
- kneedragger
- May 3, 2011, 3:38 pm
Day 50
Half way to HOF and the battle rages on. I mean that quite literally, b/c nicotine clearly has quite a bit of fight left in it. Yesterday was one of the darkest, most negative days I can remember. It was a bit of a different experience for me. I’m used to having dip rage, but yesterday was less about rage and more about crushing negativity. I’ve been doing a bit of writing as a form of introspection lately and I wrote a few things yesterday that give a sense of what I was feeling:
On my job: “What an odd combination of events that seem custom designed to inflict psychological torture and enhanced feelings of complete worthlessness.” “I’m a Real Estate guy and we no longer have a Real Estate product, I am officially useless.” “So, my options are to work on any of the numerous crappy projects that they can’t get anyone else to run while I sneak out for interviews whenever possible.” “I sit at my desk everyday and continue to be the best paid waste of space in the company.” “If this keeps up much longer, I’ll be the guy on the roof with a sniper rifle…”
On my marriage: “I believe we focus on Ryan to avoid dealing with each other.” “I don’t find our relationship exciting and every time I try to find excitement, I have to justify more time spent away from my family.” “She doesn’t seem to be passionate about anything. I don’t know how to support her interests to pay her back for supporting mine. Or maybe it’s frustrating that she doesn’t seem to need anything while I’m constantly searching for something fulfilling.”
On Wellness: “I can only logically conclude that from a wellness perspective, I am a complete disaster.” “I have no concept of what wellness feels like, I’m dissatisfied with everything, I have no ability to manage stress and I have no over-arching spiritual belief system.”
I think you get the point. Yesterday was tough and seriously depressing. The best I can describe it is that I was incredibly lonely but also needed to be alone, because I would lash out at anyone near me.
So I posted all this for the sake of making two points:
1 – Yesterday was day 49 for me. I find that ironic because the last time I quit, I stopped using the site at day 48 because I didn’t think I needed it anymore. Yesterday was a stern reminder that I still need the site and that I still have some serious fighting to do.
2 – I’m sure everyone has heard veterans talk about how your quit can get tough, even after you have those first couple of weeks under your belt. It’s hard to believe because you’re feeling in control for the first time in your life. You’re convinced that you’ve got it beat this time. You can’t imagine what nicotine could throw at you that would be harder than those first three days. Well now you know what it threw at me. Maybe it will be easier for you, and I hope it is. But if I can in some small way help you be prepared, then this post was worth it.
KD
I am on day 87 of my quit. The 50's were the worst for me also. I felt absolutely worthless. All I can tell you is that I feel much better now. People who have quit longer than I have might have a better perspective but this is my theory. You are at a time when you are being forced to deal with parts of your life that you were able to ignore while nicotine was running through your system. It is just another part of the healing process. Hang in there. If you need anything PM me.
I had bouts of depression in my quit. For me they were in the 70s. So, my guess is you are just as normal as the rest of us. I had have had only one bout of depression since then and I am at 144. Frankly, I have never felt better and I manage my stress better as well. So, what I am saying is things will likely improve for you. Stay quit. Nicotine solves nothing.
- Quote:
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Nicotine solves nothing.
Enough said !! Keep fighting...
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It's not that some people have willpower and some don't... It's that some people are ready to change and others are not.
NEVER AGAIN !!
"I have been down here before, I know the way out. "
There is a huge difference between a commitment of 99% and a commitment of 100% Quit Date: 10-30-2009 : HOF Date: 2-7-2010 : One Year: 10-30-2010 : Two Years: 10-30-2011 : Comma 7-25-2012 : Three Years 10-30-2012 : Four Years 10-30-2013 : Five Years 10-30-2014 : Double Comma 4-21-2015 : Six Years 10-30-2015 : Seven Years 10-30-2016 : Eight Years 10-30-2017 :
My HOF Speech
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kneedragger
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May 20 2011, 09:41 AM
Post #69
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- Posts:
- 339
- Group:
- Members
- Member
- #8,655
- Joined:
- April 12, 2010
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Day 67 Whooh! OK, take a deep breath. Some clouds are lifting. My world doesn’t seem quite so dark. Time to take note…we have to record our successes so we can celebrate our progress. Remembering my successes will help me get through the hard days ahead. My world has been a roller coaster, which most people would likely consider a bad thing. But for quitters, it means you’re starting to experience a few good days in the midst of all the bad ones. We have to celebrate that. That’s what we’re fighting for. A roller coaster is an indication of progress. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make it any less exhausting.
A couple notable things happened over the last two weeks:
The first is that I found a job. To be clear, I was never actually out of work. The company I work for shut down the business I ran last December. After working to find new homes for all of my employees, I spent the last four months coming to work and sitting alone in a the sea of empty desks that used to be occupied by my team. It was a difficult psychological challenge to sit there alone without much to do at a time when I was already depressed from my quit. It became clear that I need to feel productive and to do that, I needed to summon my resolve and climb out of that dark depression. Somehow, I managed to do it, and I’ve found a new product to develop and to build a team around. It’s time to get psyched, we’re back in business!
The second is that my relationship with my wife has gotten stronger. She asked me not too long ago if we could go to couples therapy. I was crushed when she asked me, and it must have showed because she didn’t bring it up again for a long time. Eventually, I got to a place where I could realize that she still wanted to go even though she wasn’t pushing it. I set up the appointment myself and we had a very productive session with the therapist. My wife is a very strong woman that can handle just about anything, but she can’t handle not knowing what’s going on. Communication, and the trust that comes with it, surfaced as a major weakness in our relationship that we’ve been working on ever since. I’ve never felt closer to her.
Finally, there’s exercise. I’ve always tried to incorporate exercise in my life, but I wanted to do something different in this quit. The exercise I’d done in the past wasn't sufficient to manage the stress and anxiety that always came with quitting. I wanted to work out more, but I couldn’t find more time, so it wasn’t sustainable. Then I found a CrossFit box nearby. It’s been a real godsend. Instead of adding time, I’ve added intensity and it’s dramatically reduced my anxiety. I had to get past the overwhelming nausea of the first few workouts, but now I’m starting to see gains, and it’s ridiculously addictive. I gotta believe this is what it would feel like to join a fight club. Just to see what you’re capable of at a very primal level. It’s just fuckin’ awesome.
I can’t tell you how happy I am to be sharing some good news. The last two months were a serious challenge for me and there’s no doubt that this community helped me get through it. Anyone reading this should feel immense pride at being a member of the KTC family. The way this community changes lives is at once noble, compassionate, severe and unrelenting. But it works, and I’m grateful.
I’m off to the race track this weekend to celebrate some of these victories. Stay strong my friends. Fight through the suck and celebrate your successes. KD out.
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Quit Date - 3/15/11 HOF Date - 6/22/11
HOF Speech: Welcome to My Spy Movie
My Life as a Quitter: Time to Grow a Spine
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Scowick65
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May 20 2011, 10:05 AM
Post #70
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- Posts:
- 16,137
- Group:
- Moderators (Retired)
- Member
- #10,096
- Joined:
- December 29, 2010
- Quit Date
- 12/11/2010
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- kneedragger
- May 20, 2011, 9:41 am
Day 67 Whooh! OK, take a deep breath. Some clouds are lifting. My world doesn’t seem quite so dark. Time to take note…we have to record our successes so we can celebrate our progress. Remembering my successes will help me get through the hard days ahead. My world has been a roller coaster, which most people would likely consider a bad thing. But for quitters, it means you’re starting to experience a few good days in the midst of all the bad ones. We have to celebrate that. That’s what we’re fighting for. A roller coaster is an indication of progress. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make it any less exhausting.
A couple notable things happened over the last two weeks:
The first is that I found a job. To be clear, I was never actually out of work. The company I work for shut down the business I ran last December. After working to find new homes for all of my employees, I spent the last four months coming to work and sitting alone in a the sea of empty desks that used to be occupied by my team. It was a difficult psychological challenge to sit there alone without much to do at a time when I was already depressed from my quit. It became clear that I need to feel productive and to do that, I needed to summon my resolve and climb out of that dark depression. Somehow, I managed to do it, and I’ve found a new product to develop and to build a team around. It’s time to get psyched, we’re back in business!
The second is that my relationship with my wife has gotten stronger. She asked me not too long ago if we could go to couples therapy. I was crushed when she asked me, and it must have showed because she didn’t bring it up again for a long time. Eventually, I got to a place where I could realize that she still wanted to go even though she wasn’t pushing it. I set up the appointment myself and we had a very productive session with the therapist. My wife is a very strong woman that can handle just about anything, but she can’t handle not knowing what’s going on. Communication, and the trust that comes with it, surfaced as a major weakness in our relationship that we’ve been working on ever since. I’ve never felt closer to her.
Finally, there’s exercise. I’ve always tried to incorporate exercise in my life, but I wanted to do something different in this quit. The exercise I’d done in the past wasn't sufficient to manage the stress and anxiety that always came with quitting. I wanted to work out more, but I couldn’t find more time, so it wasn’t sustainable. Then I found a CrossFit box nearby. It’s been a real godsend. Instead of adding time, I’ve added intensity and it’s dramatically reduced my anxiety. I had to get past the overwhelming nausea of the first few workouts, but now I’m starting to see gains, and it’s ridiculously addictive. I gotta believe this is what it would feel like to join a fight club. Just to see what you’re capable of at a very primal level. It’s just fuckin’ awesome.
I can’t tell you how happy I am to be sharing some good news. The last two months were a serious challenge for me and there’s no doubt that this community helped me get through it. Anyone reading this should feel immense pride at being a member of the KTC family. The way this community changes lives is at once noble, compassionate, severe and unrelenting. But it works, and I’m grateful.
I’m off to the race track this weekend to celebrate some of these victories. Stay strong my friends. Fight through the suck and celebrate your successes. KD out.
:) Proud to quit with you. Keep up the good work.
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1 Problem + Nicotine = 2 Problems "Cavers find a way to cave. Quitters find a way to quit" ~ 30
Post with March 2011 Day 2,600: 1/22/2018 Day 0,001: 12/11/2010
HOF Speach: I am not a unique and special butterfly
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kneedragger
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May 20 2011, 10:08 AM
Post #71
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- Posts:
- 339
- Group:
- Members
- Member
- #8,655
- Joined:
- April 12, 2010
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- Scowick65
- May 20, 2011, 9:05 am
- kneedragger
- May 20, 2011, 9:41 am
Day 67 Whooh! OK, take a deep breath. Some clouds are lifting. My world doesn’t seem quite so dark. Time to take note…we have to record our successes so we can celebrate our progress. Remembering my successes will help me get through the hard days ahead. My world has been a roller coaster, which most people would likely consider a bad thing. But for quitters, it means you’re starting to experience a few good days in the midst of all the bad ones. We have to celebrate that. That’s what we’re fighting for. A roller coaster is an indication of progress. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make it any less exhausting.
A couple notable things happened over the last two weeks:
The first is that I found a job. To be clear, I was never actually out of work. The company I work for shut down the business I ran last December. After working to find new homes for all of my employees, I spent the last four months coming to work and sitting alone in a the sea of empty desks that used to be occupied by my team. It was a difficult psychological challenge to sit there alone without much to do at a time when I was already depressed from my quit. It became clear that I need to feel productive and to do that, I needed to summon my resolve and climb out of that dark depression. Somehow, I managed to do it, and I’ve found a new product to develop and to build a team around. It’s time to get psyched, we’re back in business!
The second is that my relationship with my wife has gotten stronger. She asked me not too long ago if we could go to couples therapy. I was crushed when she asked me, and it must have showed because she didn’t bring it up again for a long time. Eventually, I got to a place where I could realize that she still wanted to go even though she wasn’t pushing it. I set up the appointment myself and we had a very productive session with the therapist. My wife is a very strong woman that can handle just about anything, but she can’t handle not knowing what’s going on. Communication, and the trust that comes with it, surfaced as a major weakness in our relationship that we’ve been working on ever since. I’ve never felt closer to her.
Finally, there’s exercise. I’ve always tried to incorporate exercise in my life, but I wanted to do something different in this quit. The exercise I’d done in the past wasn't sufficient to manage the stress and anxiety that always came with quitting. I wanted to work out more, but I couldn’t find more time, so it wasn’t sustainable. Then I found a CrossFit box nearby. It’s been a real godsend. Instead of adding time, I’ve added intensity and it’s dramatically reduced my anxiety. I had to get past the overwhelming nausea of the first few workouts, but now I’m starting to see gains, and it’s ridiculously addictive. I gotta believe this is what it would feel like to join a fight club. Just to see what you’re capable of at a very primal level. It’s just fuckin’ awesome.
I can’t tell you how happy I am to be sharing some good news. The last two months were a serious challenge for me and there’s no doubt that this community helped me get through it. Anyone reading this should feel immense pride at being a member of the KTC family. The way this community changes lives is at once noble, compassionate, severe and unrelenting. But it works, and I’m grateful.
I’m off to the race track this weekend to celebrate some of these victories. Stay strong my friends. Fight through the suck and celebrate your successes. KD out. :) Proud to quit with you. Keep up the good work.
Thanks, man. And thanks for looking out for me...
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Quit Date - 3/15/11 HOF Date - 6/22/11
HOF Speech: Welcome to My Spy Movie
My Life as a Quitter: Time to Grow a Spine
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husker06484
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May 20 2011, 10:27 AM
Post #72
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Do or Do not there is No try
- Posts:
- 7,399
- Group:
- Members
- Member
- #10,856
- Joined:
- March 17, 2011
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- kneedragger
- May 20, 2011, 8:08 am
- Scowick65
- May 20, 2011, 9:05 am
- kneedragger
- May 20, 2011, 9:41 am
Day 67 Whooh! OK, take a deep breath. Some clouds are lifting. My world doesn’t seem quite so dark. Time to take note…we have to record our successes so we can celebrate our progress. Remembering my successes will help me get through the hard days ahead. My world has been a roller coaster, which most people would likely consider a bad thing. But for quitters, it means you’re starting to experience a few good days in the midst of all the bad ones. We have to celebrate that. That’s what we’re fighting for. A roller coaster is an indication of progress. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make it any less exhausting.
A couple notable things happened over the last two weeks:
The first is that I found a job. To be clear, I was never actually out of work. The company I work for shut down the business I ran last December. After working to find new homes for all of my employees, I spent the last four months coming to work and sitting alone in a the sea of empty desks that used to be occupied by my team. It was a difficult psychological challenge to sit there alone without much to do at a time when I was already depressed from my quit. It became clear that I need to feel productive and to do that, I needed to summon my resolve and climb out of that dark depression. Somehow, I managed to do it, and I’ve found a new product to develop and to build a team around. It’s time to get psyched, we’re back in business!
The second is that my relationship with my wife has gotten stronger. She asked me not too long ago if we could go to couples therapy. I was crushed when she asked me, and it must have showed because she didn’t bring it up again for a long time. Eventually, I got to a place where I could realize that she still wanted to go even though she wasn’t pushing it. I set up the appointment myself and we had a very productive session with the therapist. My wife is a very strong woman that can handle just about anything, but she can’t handle not knowing what’s going on. Communication, and the trust that comes with it, surfaced as a major weakness in our relationship that we’ve been working on ever since. I’ve never felt closer to her.
Finally, there’s exercise. I’ve always tried to incorporate exercise in my life, but I wanted to do something different in this quit. The exercise I’d done in the past wasn't sufficient to manage the stress and anxiety that always came with quitting. I wanted to work out more, but I couldn’t find more time, so it wasn’t sustainable. Then I found a CrossFit box nearby. It’s been a real godsend. Instead of adding time, I’ve added intensity and it’s dramatically reduced my anxiety. I had to get past the overwhelming nausea of the first few workouts, but now I’m starting to see gains, and it’s ridiculously addictive. I gotta believe this is what it would feel like to join a fight club. Just to see what you’re capable of at a very primal level. It’s just fuckin’ awesome.
I can’t tell you how happy I am to be sharing some good news. The last two months were a serious challenge for me and there’s no doubt that this community helped me get through it. Anyone reading this should feel immense pride at being a member of the KTC family. The way this community changes lives is at once noble, compassionate, severe and unrelenting. But it works, and I’m grateful.
I’m off to the race track this weekend to celebrate some of these victories. Stay strong my friends. Fight through the suck and celebrate your successes. KD out. :) Proud to quit with you. Keep up the good work.
Thanks, man. And thanks for looking out for me...
KD.....Man you just made my day when I read this....Its just great to see people getting their life back in order and doing it all while quit....You just made my quit stronger...Thanks for sharing...I hear you on the relationship front very familiar situation.....Stay stron have a great time this weekend
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Yoda is a bad ass
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Souliman
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May 20 2011, 10:35 AM
Post #73
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- Posts:
- 10,287
- Group:
- Members
- Member
- #9,924
- Joined:
- December 1, 2010
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You're a fighter KD...total champion. Way to go man.
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kneedragger
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Jun 7 2011, 11:16 AM
Post #74
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- Posts:
- 339
- Group:
- Members
- Member
- #8,655
- Joined:
- April 12, 2010
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Day 85 - Turning 37
I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday by making a classic rookie mistake. I was travelling home from Mexico, so I had to post roll call from my blackberry, which always sucks. As I was fumbling around trying to get my roll posted, I had a thought. It occurred to me that this could be my first year nicotine free in 25 years. That realization felt a little like this:
(A little bit of excitement), (Excitement building) - wow a whole year without nicotine…that would be amazing (Really excited) - holy shit, I haven’t done that in…fuck…has it really been 25 years? (A little less excited…slight anxiety) (A little more anxiety) - shit, a year is a long time (A lot more anxiety) – how am I supposed to stay quit for a whole year when I’ve been an addict for 25 years? (anxiety, starting to feel a little bit hopeless) – what makes me think I can beat a 25 year old…blah…blah…blah
Stop…stop…stop…take a deep fuckin’ breath and get your head right
All I have to worry about is today. I promise not to use nicotine TODAY and to support my June 11 brothers in their legendary quits TODAY. Fuck staying quit for a year. One day at a time. Post, keep your word, repeat. Stay strong brothers and congratulations to all our June 11 HOF’ers.
-KD
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Quit Date - 3/15/11 HOF Date - 6/22/11
HOF Speech: Welcome to My Spy Movie
My Life as a Quitter: Time to Grow a Spine
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TCOPE
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Jun 7 2011, 11:21 AM
Post #75
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taking psycho back to the streets........
- Posts:
- 11,787
- Group:
- Moderators (Retired)
- Member
- #6,147
- Joined:
- January 6, 2009
- Quit Date
- 6 January 2009
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- kneedragger
- Jun 7, 2011, 11:16 am
Day 85 - Turning 37
I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday by making a classic rookie mistake. I was travelling home from Mexico, so I had to post roll call from my blackberry, which always sucks. As I was fumbling around trying to get my roll posted, I had a thought. It occurred to me that this could be my first year nicotine free in 25 years. That realization felt a little like this:
(A little bit of excitement), (Excitement building) - wow a whole year without nicotine…that would be amazing (Really excited) - holy shit, I haven’t done that in…fuck…has it really been 25 years? (A little less excited…slight anxiety) (A little more anxiety) - shit, a year is a long time (A lot more anxiety) – how am I supposed to stay quit for a whole year when I’ve been an addict for 25 years? (anxiety, starting to feel a little bit hopeless) – what makes me think I can beat a 25 year old…blah…blah…blah
Stop…stop…stop…take a deep fuckin’ breath and get your head right
All I have to worry about is today. I promise not to use nicotine TODAY and to support my June 11 brothers in their legendary quits TODAY. Fuck staying quit for a year. One day at a time. Post, keep your word, repeat. Stay strong brothers and congratulations to all our June 11 HOF’ers.
-KD
one day at a time...... that is the way we quit.. awesome job.... TCOPE
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In dealing with your quit, I hate to advocate drugs, sex, alcohol, pornography, automatic weapons, violence, or insanity to anyone but they've always worked for me.
I used to say that quitting was so easy I could do it with both hands tied behind my back. When I finally decided to quit, it turns out I was such a junkie that that was the ONLY way I COULD quit. My straight jacket is for sale on ebay now.
TCOPES GUIDE TO HOF AND THE FOQer BLOG - The quitter's unabridged guide to getting to HOF. Check it out and become a follower!
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