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| Time to Grow a Spine; Quit for Good | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Apr 15 2010, 06:02 PM (6,140 Views) | |
| superjet701 | May 5 2010, 09:21 PM Post #46 |
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Quitter
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kd - i was having a real tough time around my third week as well and i was on here like i usually am especially when im having trouble, and i read a thread about how your 14th day for many often feels like you are right back to day 2. i never had this around my day 14, it was more like day 25, right about where you are now, and dude i was losing it i really felt like complete dog shit this may be what you are going through... And don't sweat it, you WILL pull through, and I can personally tell you it does get better. You got this. |
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I started my quit on March 26th 2010. My HOF july 4th, twenty ten. | |
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| Greg5280 | May 5 2010, 11:37 PM Post #47 |
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Bonafied Quit Beast
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Excellent post. I remember the feelings well. Nine shitty days followed by a bit of clarity and a couple of really GREAT days. I know you have heard it hundreds of times already but the bad days get farther apart and you will have more good days. For me this site saved my ass more than once. Like you say you get on here and sing out and you get more help than you can imagine. I read on here a statement that went something like this and it really helped me. When you are having a bad day your are "working" your quit. When everything is going well you are "living" your quit. Work your ass off when you need to, and enjoy living when you get the chances. Great work... you got this !! |
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It's not that some people have willpower and some don't... It's that some people are ready to change and others are not. NEVER AGAIN !! "I have been down here before, I know the way out. " There is a huge difference between a commitment of 99% and a commitment of 100% Quit Date: 10-30-2009 : HOF Date: 2-7-2010 : One Year: 10-30-2010 : Two Years: 10-30-2011 : Comma 7-25-2012 : Three Years 10-30-2012 : Four Years 10-30-2013 : Five Years 10-30-2014 : Double Comma 4-21-2015 : Six Years 10-30-2015 : Seven Years 10-30-2016 : Eight Years 10-30-2017 : My HOF Speech | |
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| kneedragger | May 10 2010, 02:55 PM Post #48 |
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Quitter
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Day 29 I’m tired. Man, I’m tired. Closing in on a month. I thought I’d feel more like celebrating. More than anything else I’m disappointed with how much I still have to fight, how much time I spend doing weird stuff that’s obviously related to my quit, how much time I spend yielding to every impulse but one. Yesterday, I spent the whole day planning to go to the gym, but could never actually get myself to go. Eventually I went to McDonald’s, bought enough food for three people and ate until I was literally sick. I had painful stomach cramps and ended up on the crapper for about half an hour. By the time I finally got up, I had flushed three or four times and my legs were asleep. Then I sat up until 2am watching TV knowing that I had to get up for work at 6am. And I don’t know why. Why not just go to bed and tick off another day? I think it’s because I used to love throwing in a dip and reading in bed. With my wife out of town, maybe I thought crawling into bed would be a trigger. I’m just guessing, though. If that’s what made me stay up, it was completely subconscious. I didn’t feel like I was fighting a craving. I just felt like I was being a lazy, self-indulgent slob. Of course, now I’m exhausted. Can’t concentrate at work. Can’t concentrate on this fucking post. I keep writing and deleting and re-writing because I don’t know what the fuck I’m trying to say. I just know that I’m nowhere close to normal. I guess I didn’t expect to be, but maybe I thought I’d feel a little more normal than I do. My mouth is killing me…mostly because I’m on my 7th or 8th atomic fireball. I’ve only done one thing at work today. Had to write an email…took all morning. Actually got a call from some of the guys on my team who wanted my input on something. I acted like I was up against a deadline and couldn’t help them. I asked them to email me their questions and I would get back to them “as soon as I can get out from under a few things”. There are no things…I have not opened the email they sent…this is not the hard part of my job… Holy shit, it’s almost 3:00. How long have I been writing this post? Is this helping any? Will I feel any better when I hit send? Did I feel better while I wrote this? Is there any killer quit wisdom in this post? Will I continue to carry the morning paper on my commute despite lacking the concentration to read it? Will I continue to treat the tight fit of my clothes as a temporary condition? For how long will I exercise so excessively that I have to limp to the counter to order four cheeseburgers for dinner? Was I ever really a friendly guy? Can I be sure that all the people I’ve killed during my quit were actually in my imagination? Am I the only guy that visualizes the nic bitch as a cartoon? |
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Quit Date - 3/15/11 HOF Date - 6/22/11 HOF Speech: Welcome to My Spy Movie My Life as a Quitter: Time to Grow a Spine | |
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| Steelers | May 10 2010, 03:22 PM Post #49 |
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Steelers
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Your last two posts certainly illustrate the ups and downs of this journey. Best advice here would be to simply go back and read your last post. It was very upbeat and you felt good. You will continue to feel the highs and lows. Just remember the highs as you go through what you have been the last few days. You are still quit, you have not caved, you do not have to face a day 1-3 ever again. It will get better I promise |
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6 time champs | |
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| teamgreen | May 10 2010, 03:46 PM Post #50 |
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Two Bit Whore
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Yep, agree with Steeler. I can say that the last week has been pretty good. Better concentration, finally starting to get my diet half way back in check. Starting to have mediumish motivation, calmer. You just did a nice job of describing what I was feeling on and off for the first 30-45 days. Just. Could. Not. Concentrate. I was procrastinating so much at work due to inability to concentrate that I was starting to worry I'd get fired if anyone figured out how far behind I was. I'm catching up now. I'll have shitty days moving forward, but it's getting better. Regarding the trail of dip rage inspired death and destruction you have been leaving in your wake, just keep an eye out for unmarked Chevy Caprices or Ford Crown Victorias following you. If you don't see any, I wouldn't worry about it. You probably didn't kill anyone in real life. |
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Quitting is the most important thing you'll do today. Caving is not an option. | |
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| kneedragger | May 14 2010, 03:38 PM Post #51 |
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Quitter
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Day 33 - Going on the offensive Closing in on week five. These weekly milestones have not been the celebrations I thought they'd be. I thought I'd be psyched, proud of myself, relishing my new found freedom, etc. I think the 2 week mark was the last time I felt that way. Ever since day 15 I've felt like I've just barely been surviving. Week 3 was way harder than I thought it was going to be with dip rage that had me foaming at the mouth. For most of week 4 I just felt like a wandering drooling moron who couldn't put a sentance together. In week 5, I made the subtle transition from fog to funk which felt like going from stupid to depressed. I did have one good day in my fourth week and I'm glad I wrote it down when it happened. I think I would have forgotten it otherwise. The vets keep telling me that these good days start slow. But eventually they happen more and more often and the bad days get further and further apart. I learned a lot about this when I read Greg's quit journal. Maybe my good days aren't that close together yet, but the fact that I've had a few means progress. Fuck a duck, I guess I'm winning. And guess what...I got nowhere to go but up. Took me a while to realize this since my brain has been fairly useless as of late. But once I did, I made a conscious decision to re-assert my ownership of my quit. I need to get energized and fight complacency. I think I've learned that a passive quit won't work for me. I don't know if I can count today as a good day, but I do feel more in charge since making that decision. I'm reaching out to my quit brothers and strengthening my relationship with them. I'm showing my gratitude for they're support and looking for ways to pay it forward. I want to do everything I can to make this quit successful and march with my newfound brothers towards everlasting freedom. Goddamn...I can almost smell it. So, I don't see a whole lot of thanks on this site except for in HOF speeches, but I got a massive amount of help this week and it really carried me through. I know nobody on this site is looking for recognition, but I want you to know that what you do here is changing my life. Thanks Steeler, Teamgreen, DJS, markr and kd4jet. ALBYJAY, thanks for returning my call, man. Volp, you're my quit guru, brother. And Greg5280, thanks for your journal entries about going for walks every night with your daughter. You reminded me that I want to ge a good father when my first son comes along. Thanks for that, man. Til next time. -KD out |
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Quit Date - 3/15/11 HOF Date - 6/22/11 HOF Speech: Welcome to My Spy Movie My Life as a Quitter: Time to Grow a Spine | |
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| Greg5280 | May 14 2010, 11:00 PM Post #52 |
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Bonafied Quit Beast
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KD, If one thing I said keeps you quit for a day then my ramblings are worth it. Keep fighting my friend, it really IS worth it. |
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It's not that some people have willpower and some don't... It's that some people are ready to change and others are not. NEVER AGAIN !! "I have been down here before, I know the way out. " There is a huge difference between a commitment of 99% and a commitment of 100% Quit Date: 10-30-2009 : HOF Date: 2-7-2010 : One Year: 10-30-2010 : Two Years: 10-30-2011 : Comma 7-25-2012 : Three Years 10-30-2012 : Four Years 10-30-2013 : Five Years 10-30-2014 : Double Comma 4-21-2015 : Six Years 10-30-2015 : Seven Years 10-30-2016 : Eight Years 10-30-2017 : My HOF Speech | |
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| kneedragger | May 15 2010, 02:56 PM Post #53 |
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Quitter
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Uugggghh! I may need to change my screen name. I suck at riding motorcycles. Any want a good deal on a used R6? 'bang head' 'bang head' 'bang head' |
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Quit Date - 3/15/11 HOF Date - 6/22/11 HOF Speech: Welcome to My Spy Movie My Life as a Quitter: Time to Grow a Spine | |
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| kneedragger | Mar 17 2011, 01:24 PM Post #54 |
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Quitter
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Can’t believe I’m back in here. But if one’s things clear, it’s that I’ve still got a lot to learn, so I think continuing to document this journey is important. Seems like “Dragger Gate” might finally be winding down a bit. I have to admit, it was harder than I thought it would be. So much thrashing, it was a lot to process. I’m pretty sure somewhere along the way, I became Gator’s girlfriend. I’m learning a lot about what an abusive relationship feels like. There’s no doubt I’m glad I came back, but I’m not sure I’ve really gotten a grip on why yet. Bama Dan asked me this in a PM the other night, and I rattled off a lot of bullshit that I think pretty clearly shows I have yet to master true honesty. For what it’s worth, I wasn’t intentionally dishonest. I just wasn’t digging deep enough. I’ve thought about it a lot since responding to his PM. My answer to him has felt wrong since the moment I hit send. I told him I needed the accountability, and for some reason, the accountability works even if everyone on the site thinks I’m a piece of shit. There is some truth to that, but it would have been SOOOO easy to just join the site under a different screen name and act like a newbie looking for guidance. I would be been welcomed with open arms, gotten the “best decision of my life” speech, all the vets would have been sending me instructions on how the site works, would have been a hell of a lot easier and I still would have had the accountability. I think the real reason I came back is that on some level, I knew I needed to strip away the bulllshit, maybe for the first time in 25 years. No more telling only part of the story, no more dealing with only part of the problem, no more half measures, no more sugar coating. Just strip it all the fuck away and hang my shit stained laundry for the world to see. This is who and what I am, and if I don’t accept the full nauseating extent of it, I’m just gonna keep landing back at Day 1. So I’m coming clean…and it sucks. But at least it’s real. At least from here I can start to build. I can start working to gain back some modicum of trust from all the people I’ve hurt along the way. Including a lot of the guys on this site. Which reminds me, here’s something else I have to come clean about, and I’m pretty sure this is the last thing… I also told Bama Dan that I didn’t want to be a veteran on this site. That I eventually wanted to be a “normal” person that didn’t have to check in on a website every day. I said this despite the fact that I’ve shit on this community and then begged to come back and not a single person has turned me away. It’s clear that I’ve fucked this up in every conceivable way, and yet I’m still trying to act like I’m an elitist that will eventually be too good for this site. I can’t even explain how fucked up it was that I said this to Dan. Maybe I was just bitchy at taking such a cyberspace beating, but it was a douchebag thing to say and a real slap in the face to a guy that reached out to help me. The truth is quitter on this site should be proud of what they’ve accomplished and proud of what they do every day to help others free themselves from addiction. I’ve quit before and I’ll do it again, but I’ve never made it stick long term. And that’s the one thing it takes to be a veteran and the best reason for me to aspire to be one. Hopefully, some day I’ll stop being such a dick. And now I’m going to take a break from eating crow. I’m not sure I can take anymore after the last few days. I’m also going back to focusing on today. I still have half of my third and final Day 3 to get through. |
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Quit Date - 3/15/11 HOF Date - 6/22/11 HOF Speech: Welcome to My Spy Movie My Life as a Quitter: Time to Grow a Spine | |
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| ninereasons | Mar 17 2011, 08:33 PM Post #55 |
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quit
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You've made a courageous decision to come back and get it done right. I quit with you today, and I believe that will keep us quit. |
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2011-02-15 + ever since | |
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| kneedragger | Mar 18 2011, 09:07 AM Post #56 |
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Quitter
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Thanks for the support, 9reasons. It's helps more than you could know. |
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Quit Date - 3/15/11 HOF Date - 6/22/11 HOF Speech: Welcome to My Spy Movie My Life as a Quitter: Time to Grow a Spine | |
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| loot | Mar 18 2011, 09:48 AM Post #57 |
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May 15, 2010 to March 17, 2011 is a span of about 10 months between your activity in this thread. That is the root of your issues, ILO. You've proven what happens when you are left to your own devices. Normal? You want "normal"? You can't have normal. Normal is an abstract concept to addicts like us. We'll never know normal LOOT has wanted to be normal too. Leave the site and be done with it. Some can do it...the majority wind up in the same situation you are in. Another Day 1. Howsabout you use this thread a little more regularly? It won't take too much time. Document your trials and tribulations. A lot of people read this and never comment. Your words and your use of this site have a profound impact on people that will never call it to your attention. Will the impact be positive or negative? Think about it little brother. Never again, for any reason KD. |
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| bnlelliott | Mar 18 2011, 10:43 AM Post #58 |
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Down 25 pounds...yep, put some back on, but still quit!
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Read Loots post again and again! I know its rough...but sometimes we need to hear rough. I used this introduction section for a while during some of the hardest parts of my quit...in fact, I was one of the ones who "wouldn't post in my group for a while because of the the drama"...all you have to do is go back and look at May09, or my Introduction thread (our life is an open book on here...and it SHOULD be). So instead of posting in May09 for a while...I came here and ranted everyday...didn't know that NMC was posting my roll for me....I knew guys were calling texting and emailing everyday...and I was reciprocating...I look back now and realize I was planning a cave, fortunately May09 kicked the crap out of me and would not let me do it. Bottom line...no matter the drama...no matter the stress...no matter anything else...stay tight with your group. Stay tight with your intro page...come over here and flame up about everything in the world whether it makes sense to anyone else or not. But the big thing is stay tight with your group. I still get up every morning, walk straight to my bathroom mirror and say OUT LOUD...nope, that decision has been made today. When we are traveling and my boys are in the same room with me they always ask when I am going to stop doing that and I tell them....the day I quit breathing. You can do this man...become your own project...get your numbers out there and get it done... Brian May09 |
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Brian May '09 Somebody has to do something, and it's just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us. -Jerry Garcia Read My HOF Speech, Maybe It'll Help! That Decision Has Been Made Today! Quit Date 2/17/2009 HOF Date 5/27/2009 1 Year 2/16/2010 2 Years 2/16/2011 | |
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| Skoal Monster | Mar 18 2011, 11:36 AM Post #59 |
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Quit Ninja
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One of my favorite threads here was a discussion on pickles vs cucumbers. At one time you and I were cucumbers. We could come and go as we pleased and have a chew or a smoke or dip with no lasting effects or urge to go out and chew a can a minute.We were free. At some point addiction crept in, we became pickles, junkies, slaves. No different than a crack addict. Lying to ourselves and others about the depth of our addiction. Giving up relationships, health, life itself to feed our habit. Stupid pickles. 'bang head' Now, a Cucumber can always turn into a pickle but a pickle can never go back to being a cucumber. We are addicts , there is no more " normal" there is no more coming and going or dabbling with nicotine. You have to admit the fact that your a pickle. Until you absorb that reality, you will keep pretending you can fool with nicotine, you'll continue to fail because you refuse to believe your not still a cucumber . The fallacy of just one. The lie you tell yourself about being cured. The millions of reasons your craving little addict mind manufactures to make you believe you can still play with fire and not get hooked. Sorry Charlie, you can't go back, this shit is forever. Pickles don't turn back into cucumbers. You need to remind yourself of this fact daily. The site does that for me and can for you as well. Posting roll is a daily reminder to look at your life from the point of view of an addict ( pickle) . Do this and you will stay quit. The second you start believeing your a cucumber ( normal) again your back at day one. be the ball Danny or in your case ..... be the pickle knuckledragger ...er kneedragger skoal monster, 781 days of reminding myself I'm still a stupid pickle, one day at a time. |
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"CLOSE THE DOOR. In my opinion, it’s the single most important step in your final quit. There is one moment, THE moment, when you finally let go and surrender to the quit. After that moment, no temptation will be great enough, no lie persuasive enough to make you commit suicide by using tobacco." | |
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| kneedragger | Mar 21 2011, 12:01 PM Post #60 |
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Quitter
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Sorry, but this may be a long one. I’ve had a pretty eventful weekend with my quit, but it’s been awhile since I’ve had a reliable broadband connection. I’ve had a lot of time alone this weekend, which is definitely not ideal early in a quit. My wife took my son to visit his grandparents this weekend. They left on Thurs and I got a hall pass to spend the weekend in the mountains of NH and Vermont. I used to head to northern NH almost every weekend when I lived in Boston, and I’ve really missed it since moving to the urban jungle nine years ago. Since my wife left Thurs and I didn’t leave until Friday, I had Thurs night to myself. I don’t remember where I first read it, but someone on this site once posted that if you’re home alone, you’re behind enemy lines. I used to have that as part of my auto signature. Anyway, I was anxious about sitting home by myself all night, so I stayed at work late and then came home and immediately strapped on my running shoes. I ran into Central Park, put my head down and just kept going. It was a great way to remove myself from temptation, but it was also a lot of time alone with my thoughts. I didn’t even grab an ipod. It was just me and myself, alone in the dark, feet pounding, thoughts spinning, sweat dripping…thinking about everything and, at the same time, thinking that my thoughts weren’t worth thinking about. That my perspective is twisted, my aggravation and anger is artificial, my problems are numerous and my ability to solve them is questionable. And I ran and ran and ran and ran…and finally, I couldn’t run anymore. Unfortunately, I tapped out pretty far from home. That didn’t matter, though. I’d found an outlet for my anxiety and wore myself out. By the time I got home I was thinking a bit more clearly. I said fuck it to all the mountainous problems to which I lacked solutions and focused on the only thing I absolutely had to do that day…stay quit. Since I was so tired I could hardly stand, I hit the sack and brought the day to a close. Another day nic free. Friday morning, I felt a lot better. It was 70 degrees and Sunny in the city. I bagged out of work early to get a jump on the drive up north. It felt like spring, like new life, like windows down, fresh air, sun on my face, spring in my step. It was a good day and I enjoyed the time alone on the open road with the ipod on shuffle. It was just me and Buddy Guy and Dr. John and Clapton and Taj Mahal and Junior Wells and they were all nice enough to let me sing along with them. I hit the NH border and had that same feeling I used to always feel when I crossed the border from Massachusetts. That weight falling away, the mountains calling me to ski their slopes, climb their rock faces, hike their woods, share their views. I was ready for some mountain therapy. And Jay Peak had gotten three feet of snow only last week… …but luck was not on my side. What I didn’t know was that Thurs night, while I was running aimlessly in Central Park, Jay Peak was blanketed with heavy downpours. The snow was saturated, and the nights were cold enough to freeze the wet snow into bulletproof sheets of ice. Arguably some of the worst ski conditions I’ve ever seen. We checked ice reports in hopes of swapping skis for ice axes and crampons, but the warm days had aerated the flows in most areas. It would be like trying to climb a snow cone. So skiing was out and ice climbing was out. It was clear I would be denied my mountain therapy. I made the most of it with a little winter hiking and catching up with old friends at local outfitters and taverns. I tried my best not to lament my misfortune and told the mountains I would never hold it against them. I packed up to leave in the early afternoon on Sunday. I had my quit strategy in full effect, just like I did for the drive up. I was stocked up with snacks, gum, etc, but needed to stop to load up with my favorite nic replacement…strong, dark, black coffee. I remembered a gas station off the highway in Lincoln, NH with a Dunkin’ Donuts in the station. I pulled in and was in the station before I remembered that they’d actually closed the D&D counter and opened up a standalone store next door. I decided I’d just grab another bottle of water before jumping back in the car and heading next door. I can’t really explain why I allowed myself to actually walk to the counter of a gas station right before a six hour drive…it was just stupid on so many levels. Why not just walk right up to the sleeping dragon and punch him in the nose… So I’m standing there, holding a bottle of water, staring at the rack of tins right over the cashier’s left shoulder, thinking to myself “what the FUCK am I doing here? ” And the gas station attendant looks at me and says, “Anything else…?” But then I thought DECIDE. It was so clear; I could almost read it on the wall in front of me. That’s all that matters. Yes it was stupid to walk into this gas station, but it still comes down to a decision, and as weak as I am, the decision is still mine to make. So stop being a pussy, but the water on the counter, pay the nice man and get the fuck back in the car. DECIDE that you can operate a motor vehicle without a lump of turd in your lip. DECIDE that your word and your quit mean something to you. So I did…and I walked out with my water. I drove next door, got the biggest black coffee I’ve ever seen and rewarded myself with a chocolate donut. So I guess overall, my efforts at escapism failed. My search for mountain therapy, my attempt to make the first weekend of my quit easier, my hopes of forgetting about my problems for a while…all failed. Then I got home and my wife told me that she wants me to do couples therapy in addition to the therapist I’m already seeing to help me with my quit. She said she had “trust issues”…FUUUUUUUCK!!! Just when I think it’s safe to straighten up a bit…another shot in the nads. That’s the killer about trust…so hard to build and so easy to destroy. All I can do is re-build it a day at a time. And despite how hard this weekend was, I kept my word for three hard days. Hard fuckin’ day. I gotta count that as a win. I have to. The last thing I’ll tell you about is an unexpected moment of peace I had during my drive home last night. I really kind of cherish the moment since I was really hoping for a whole weekend of peace and this is all I got. As I got off I-91 and started down the Merritt Parkway driving into the setting sun, the shuffle on my ipod picked up an Allman Brothers tune that really put my mind at ease. I felt a little tension release from the small of my back. It was probably the best I felt all weekend… Everybody`s Got A Mountain To Climb Lyrics by Dickey Betts Everybody's got a mountain to climb, This road we travel gets a little tough sometimes, Sometimes I know you feel like you can't go on, Need somebody help you get back home, Need a friend to help you find your way home. Reverend Pearly Brown say there's peace out on the water at night, Big sun going down, Lord it's a pretty sight, Red and blue across the water makes a wonderful song, Listen to it all night long. Chorus: Everybody's got a mountain to climb, Don't be discouraged when the sun don't shine, Gotta keep on pulling, you gotta keep on tryin', Everybody's got a mountain to climb, Everybody's got a mountain to climb. Who'd cross the face of a little smilin' child?, Take away the loser's one last chance?, Who wouldn't linger down by the old river for a while? You know the whole world loves you when you're dancin'. So, hey let me tell you what I'm talkin' about, You can't go around with your lip stuck out. Life ain't all good but it sure ain't bad, Anyway it's the best old life I ever had. Everybody's got a mountain to climb, Don't be discouraged when the sun don't shine, Gotta keep on pulling, you gotta keep on tryin', Everybody's got a mountain to climb. |
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Quit Date - 3/15/11 HOF Date - 6/22/11 HOF Speech: Welcome to My Spy Movie My Life as a Quitter: Time to Grow a Spine | |
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3:34 PM Jul 11