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Time to Grow a Spine; Quit for Good
Topic Started: Apr 15 2010, 06:02 PM (6,141 Views)
kneedragger
Member Avatar
Quitter
[ *  * ]
Day 19 - timing is unfortunate, i find reading the posts less and less help at exactly the time that my quit is becoming more difficult. i've decided to hide in my room...maybe that's a weird way to think about it, but it's basically what I'm doing by posting on my own thread instead of posting in my quit group where everyone will read it and potentially respond to it. guess i don't feel like having a cyber conversation. i'll sit it here by myself and say whatever the fuck i want because for some reason, i feel like that will be more help than anything else today.

i've decided that fog is a bad word for the fog. i mean i guess it's good b/c everyone knows what you're talking about, but it's more like my head is twice as heavy as it was yesterday. at the same time, everything from my neck up has taken on a life of it's own. my brain thinks whatever the fuck it wants to - random thoughts in slow motion that make no sense, but before i realize it, i'm walking in traffic. my mouth is also a creature all it's own. i have no idea what's going to come out of it, but i'm sure it will offend somebody. Even my ears have deserted me - or maybe it's the connection between my ears and my brain - it seems like that connection is a light switch that i used to control and now I don't. it flicks on randomly during the day and all the sudden i can hear what people are saying to me. but every time it clicks on, people are saying things like, "are you listening to me?", or "what do you think about that?", or "so do you think we should do that?". Always a question, though. that stupid fuckin switch always flips on when someone's asking me a question. It would be a lot fuckin easier if people would ask more yes or no questions - at least give me a fightin' chance. what the fuck.

so it's friday. thank god. i just gotta make it through the day and then i can spend two days pretending like i have no responsbilities. i'm going to see how long i can go this weekend without making a single decision about anything. my brain is clearly busted, so i think i'll stop using it. that's the beauty of NYC, i can stumble around Time Square in pajamas stained with cheese doodle powder, drooling all over myself and singing gospel tunes and nobody would even turn to look at me. maybe i'll give that a try.

i don't know what else i want to write about, but for some reason this is cathardic (i don't care if i spelled that wrong). it's like there's a whole bunch of crap in my head that's making it hard to think, so maybe if i just get some of it out...it's like stream of consciousness...i read a book once called the the sound and the fury by faulkner. hard ass book to read, but i was determined. he writes in a stream of consciousness style that's hard as fuck to follow. the book is the same story told four times from the perspective of four different characters. the first one is the retarded brother - you think my head is fucked up... anyway, at the end of the book, i didn't think i got it. it was too hard to follow, but then someone asked me what the book was about and I was almost surprised that i could tell them. it was like faulkner was able to put the story in my head without my realizing it. it was a pretty seriousness mind fuck. now something else is putting shit in my head, but it's decidedly less fun...and it's way too much shit...that's why my head is heavy...too much extra shit...shit i don't need...shit on my shoes....i gotta take a shit....what was I talking about

so i been listening to my ipod as I've been writing this - no point in actually concentrating on what i'm saying since this is just a spew of bullshit anyway (i apologize to anyone who's wasted their time reading this shit). so i just listened to a blues tune by Dr. John that could pretty easily be altered to be a song about the fog...check this out...

I saddled a cow
I milked a horse
I greeted the time clock
Punched out my boss

All because....
All because I let you go
Long ago, I let you go
Ahhh me, oh my, oh no
Long ago, I let you go
Long ago, I let you go

My head is swimming
Nearly blew my fuse
Tied knots in my spaghetti
Poured ketchup on my shoes

All because...(chorus)

I smoked my pillow
I patted my pipe
I hugged my quilt
And I kissed it goodnight

All because...(chorus)

not bad, right - that's the most coherent thought I've had all day, so at least pretend like you're impressed with it. you gotta be nice to me, or i'll kick you out of my room. fuck i need a nap.
Quit Date - 3/15/11
HOF Date - 6/22/11

HOF Speech:
Welcome to My Spy Movie

My Life as a Quitter:
Time to Grow a Spine
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Volp
Member Avatar
The Trooper!!
[ *  *  *  * ]
kneedragger
Apr 30, 2010, 9:16 am
Day 19 - timing is unfortunate, i find reading the posts less and less help at exactly the time that my quit is becoming more difficult.  i've decided to hide in my room...maybe that's a weird way to think about it, but it's basically what I'm doing by posting on my own thread instead of posting in my quit group where everyone will read it and potentially respond to it.  guess i don't feel like having a cyber conversation.  i'll sit it here by myself and say whatever the fuck i want because for some reason, i feel like that will be more help than anything else today.

i've decided that fog is a bad word for the fog. i mean i guess it's good b/c everyone knows what you're talking about, but it's more like my head is twice as heavy as it was yesterday.  at the same time, everything from my neck up has taken on a life of it's own.  my brain thinks whatever the fuck it wants to - random thoughts in slow motion that make no sense, but before i realize it, i'm walking in traffic.  my mouth is also a creature all it's own.  i have no idea what's going to come out of it, but i'm sure it will offend somebody.  Even my ears have deserted me - or maybe it's the connection between my ears and my brain - it seems like that connection is a light switch that i used to control and now I don't.  it flicks on randomly during the day and all the sudden i can hear what people are saying to me.  but every time it clicks on, people are saying things like, "are you listening to me?", or "what do you think about that?", or "so do you think we should do that?".  Always a question, though.  that stupid fuckin switch always flips on when someone's asking me a question.  It would be a lot fuckin easier if people would ask more yes or no questions - at least give me a fightin' chance.  what the fuck.

so it's friday.  thank god.  i just gotta make it through the day and then i can spend two days pretending like i have no responsbilities.  i'm going to see how long i can go this weekend without making a single decision about anything.  my brain is clearly busted, so i think i'll stop using it.  that's the beauty of NYC, i can stumble around Time Square in pajamas stained with cheese doodle powder, drooling all over myself and singing gospel tunes and nobody would even turn to look at me.  maybe i'll give that a try.

i don't know what else i want to write about, but for some reason this is cathardic (i don't care if i spelled that wrong).  it's like there's a whole bunch of crap in my head that's making it hard to think, so maybe if i just get some of it out...it's like stream of consciousness...i read a book once called the the sound and the fury by faulkner.  hard ass book to read, but i was determined.  he writes in a stream of consciousness style that's hard as fuck to follow.  the book is the same story told four times from the perspective of four different characters.  the first one is the retarded brother - you think my head is fucked up...  anyway, at the end of the book, i didn't think i got it.  it was too hard to follow, but then someone asked me what the book was about and I was almost surprised that i could tell them.  it was like faulkner was able to put the story in my head without my realizing it.  it was a pretty seriousness mind fuck.  now something else is putting shit in my head, but it's decidedly less fun...and it's way too much shit...that's why my head is heavy...too much extra shit...shit i don't need...shit on my shoes....i gotta take a shit....what was I talking about

so i been listening to my ipod as I've been writing this - no point in actually concentrating on what i'm saying since this is just a spew of bullshit anyway (i apologize to anyone who's wasted their time reading this shit).  so i just listened to a blues tune by Dr. John that could pretty easily be altered to be a song about the fog...check this out...

I saddled a cow
I milked a horse
I greeted the time clock
Punched out my boss

All because....
All because I let you go
Long ago, I let you go
Ahhh me, oh my, oh no
Long ago, I let you go
Long ago, I let you go

My head is swimming
Nearly blew my fuse
Tied knots in my spaghetti
Poured ketchup on my shoes

All because...(chorus)

I smoked my pillow
I patted my pipe
I hugged my quilt
And I kissed it goodnight

All because...(chorus)

not bad, right - that's the most coherent thought I've had all day, so at least pretend like you're impressed with it.  you gotta be nice to me, or i'll kick you out of my room.  fuck i need a nap.

Great posts and keep 'em coming. They help us too.
All of your physical symptoms are pretty much par for the course. Headaches, scatter brains, wanting to "off" stupid people and a full blown case of the "fuck it"s is part of the healing process. (literary verbosity isn't a normality but I enjoy it)
I can absolutely tell you that it gets so much better. I can't tell you when but I can tell you it does. Hang in there bro and keep doing what's working for you.
Q.D. 6-15-09
HOF 9-22-09
2'nd floor 12-31-09
3'rd floor 4-10-10
1st year quit 6-14-10
4'th floor 7-19-10

If you cave without using your numbers, I will hunt your stupid, ignorant ass down, tear your fucking head off, shit down your blood squirting neck stump and skull fuck your newly decapitated melon. Have a nice day!
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sensei
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Love You Long Time
[ *  *  * ]
Volp
Apr 30, 2010, 7:41 am
kneedragger
Apr 30, 2010, 9:16 am
Day 19 - timing is unfortunate, i find reading the posts less and less help at exactly the time that my quit is becoming more difficult.  i've decided to hide in my room...maybe that's a weird way to think about it, but it's basically what I'm doing by posting on my own thread instead of posting in my quit group where everyone will read it and potentially respond to it.  guess i don't feel like having a cyber conversation.  i'll sit it here by myself and say whatever the fuck i want because for some reason, i feel like that will be more help than anything else today.

i've decided that fog is a bad word for the fog. i mean i guess it's good b/c everyone knows what you're talking about, but it's more like my head is twice as heavy as it was yesterday.  at the same time, everything from my neck up has taken on a life of it's own.  my brain thinks whatever the fuck it wants to - random thoughts in slow motion that make no sense, but before i realize it, i'm walking in traffic.  my mouth is also a creature all it's own.  i have no idea what's going to come out of it, but i'm sure it will offend somebody.  Even my ears have deserted me - or maybe it's the connection between my ears and my brain - it seems like that connection is a light switch that i used to control and now I don't.  it flicks on randomly during the day and all the sudden i can hear what people are saying to me.  but every time it clicks on, people are saying things like, "are you listening to me?", or "what do you think about that?", or "so do you think we should do that?".  Always a question, though.  that stupid fuckin switch always flips on when someone's asking me a question.  It would be a lot fuckin easier if people would ask more yes or no questions - at least give me a fightin' chance.  what the fuck.

so it's friday.  thank god.  i just gotta make it through the day and then i can spend two days pretending like i have no responsbilities.  i'm going to see how long i can go this weekend without making a single decision about anything.  my brain is clearly busted, so i think i'll stop using it.  that's the beauty of NYC, i can stumble around Time Square in pajamas stained with cheese doodle powder, drooling all over myself and singing gospel tunes and nobody would even turn to look at me.  maybe i'll give that a try.

i don't know what else i want to write about, but for some reason this is cathardic (i don't care if i spelled that wrong).  it's like there's a whole bunch of crap in my head that's making it hard to think, so maybe if i just get some of it out...it's like stream of consciousness...i read a book once called the the sound and the fury by faulkner.  hard ass book to read, but i was determined.  he writes in a stream of consciousness style that's hard as fuck to follow.  the book is the same story told four times from the perspective of four different characters.  the first one is the retarded brother - you think my head is fucked up...  anyway, at the end of the book, i didn't think i got it.  it was too hard to follow, but then someone asked me what the book was about and I was almost surprised that i could tell them.  it was like faulkner was able to put the story in my head without my realizing it.  it was a pretty seriousness mind fuck.  now something else is putting shit in my head, but it's decidedly less fun...and it's way too much shit...that's why my head is heavy...too much extra shit...shit i don't need...shit on my shoes....i gotta take a shit....what was I talking about

so i been listening to my ipod as I've been writing this - no point in actually concentrating on what i'm saying since this is just a spew of bullshit anyway (i apologize to anyone who's wasted their time reading this shit).  so i just listened to a blues tune by Dr. John that could pretty easily be altered to be a song about the fog...check this out...

I saddled a cow
I milked a horse
I greeted the time clock
Punched out my boss

All because....
All because I let you go
Long ago, I let you go
Ahhh me, oh my, oh no
Long ago, I let you go
Long ago, I let you go

My head is swimming
Nearly blew my fuse
Tied knots in my spaghetti
Poured ketchup on my shoes

All because...(chorus)

I smoked my pillow
I patted my pipe
I hugged my quilt
And I kissed it goodnight

All because...(chorus)

not bad, right - that's the most coherent thought I've had all day, so at least pretend like you're impressed with it.  you gotta be nice to me, or i'll kick you out of my room.  fuck i need a nap.

Great posts and keep 'em coming. They help us too.
All of your physical symptoms are pretty much par for the course. Headaches, scatter brains, wanting to "off" stupid people and a full blown case of the "fuck it"s is part of the healing process. (literary verbosity isn't a normality but I enjoy it)
I can absolutely tell you that it gets so much better. I can't tell you when but I can tell you it does. Hang in there bro and keep doing what's working for you.

Yessir you are in the fog, I can remember it clearly. It's great that your are writing about it because if you ever think about dipping again you can read this and realize that you will NEVER go through that again.

Keep drinking lots of water, caffeine seemed to help me snap out of it.

volp is 100% correct, it WILL go away, you WILL feel better, we WILL be there with you.
02/05/2010 First day of freedom.
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kneedragger
Member Avatar
Quitter
[ *  * ]
i think i might be invisible. or maybe i just keep saying stupid shit so nobody's listening...

did you say something...
Quit Date - 3/15/11
HOF Date - 6/22/11

HOF Speech:
Welcome to My Spy Movie

My Life as a Quitter:
Time to Grow a Spine
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ALBYJAY
Newbie
[ * ]
Man I am on day 5 and shit I feel the same way. Your post is freaken wicked man. Now I have a book to buy this weekend.

Stay quit! Is the only option!
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razd611
Member Avatar
Unfiltered
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
kneedragger
Apr 30, 2010, 8:44 pm
i think i might be invisible. or maybe i just keep saying stupid shit so nobody's listening...

did you say something...

You are being watched and looked after.
There Is No Turning Back!

If you Can't eat it, Fuck it or Fix it, might as well bury it!

Please refer hurt feelings Here
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kneedragger
Member Avatar
Quitter
[ *  * ]
razd611
Apr 30, 2010, 7:06 pm
kneedragger
Apr 30, 2010, 8:44 pm
i think i might be invisible.  or maybe i just keep saying stupid shit so nobody's listening...

did you say something...

You are being watched and looked after.

thanks, man. that's comforting. so you'll stop me before I do anything that will get me jail time, right?

just kidding. seriously, though, thanks for the post. nice to know you got my back, brother.

-KD
Quit Date - 3/15/11
HOF Date - 6/22/11

HOF Speech:
Welcome to My Spy Movie

My Life as a Quitter:
Time to Grow a Spine
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kneedragger
Member Avatar
Quitter
[ *  * ]
ALBYJAY
Apr 30, 2010, 4:46 pm
Man I am on day 5 and shit I feel the same way. Your post is freaken wicked man. Now I have a book to buy this weekend.

Stay quit! Is the only option!

hey brother - if my math is right, you're hitting week one right about now. i guess congratulations are in order. i read your intro - looks like you and i have the rage in common. keep on writing that thread, man. i know one day the nic bitch is going to get in my head and try to convince me that all this quittin' wasn't actually that bad. i want this thread to come back to so I'll never forget how much this sucks. i recommend you do the same.

so I just hit three weeks. never thought that this would be the hardest part of my quit. but as i think back, i did have a lot of quits that failed at two weeks. maybe i'm just wired to be susceptible to that two week crave. anyway, thanks to this site, i knew it was coming and I conquered that fucker. there were a lot of things I didn't get done last week, but I did do the one thing that mattered. i stayed the fuck quit.

anyway, not sure if you were serious about picking up that faulkner book. it's a hell of an amazing book, but probably wouldn't recommend it during a quit. it would probably just piss you off. maybe try count of monte cristo - kick ass book about seriously diabolical revenge, or one of the great horror books - stoker's dracula is an amazing read.

See on the boards man - stay quit and don't hesitate to reach out if you need
anything..
Quit Date - 3/15/11
HOF Date - 6/22/11

HOF Speech:
Welcome to My Spy Movie

My Life as a Quitter:
Time to Grow a Spine
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kneedragger
Member Avatar
Quitter
[ *  * ]
small victories
gotta take pride in 'em when you can. not that anyone else cares, but i care. because it means i can do this quit thing. every day, chipping away at all the nic logic that had me convinced that there was so much I wouldn't be able to do without nicotine. it helped me study/concentrate/focus/perservere... how am i gonna handle all the really hard challenges in life...i don't need it for the day to day stuff, just when i have a big exam/presentation/budget review/performance review/essay to write/application to submit... these are the cracks in the door, gentelmen. and everyone on this site knows it. you leave that crack for nicotine to get in and eventually you also convince yourself that you need it to mow the lawn/take out the trash/clean the bathroom/scratch your nuts, or any other mundane task you can think of.

well today was a big re-wiring experience for me. an opportunity to teach myself that I can do it without my crutch. i occassionally have to present to the heads of the firm i work for...they can be some pretty intimidating dudes. i've presented to them quite a few times now, but my experience has made it only moderately less stressful. as a private company, i'm literally spending these guy's money on the project i'm developing. they tend to be unforgiving.

so my time slot today was late in the day...that really pisses me off. get to spend the whole day thinking about it, stressin', sweatin', thinking about how I could just relax if I headed down to the bodega on 3rd ave - that dude always has my brand.

I decided to stretch my legs and get some air. I walked out of my office building and straight towards the park. it's a pretty ritzy neighborhood by the park and i have literally never been able to find dip in this part of town...so some measure of safety. as i walked on towards the park, I just focused on breathing slowly and relaxing. trying to clear my head and think things through.

It was all very zen at first, but then i got tired of that pretty quickly. Then, I thought maybe i should stop being such a fuckin drama queen and just man up and convince myself that I can give a fuckin presentation without dip. hell, i already wrote all the material for the presentation...didn't need dip for that...won't be able to dip during the presentation...really, no fuckin need for dip. So there you have it...no need for dip...really...ever...seriously.

so apperently, I grew a pair somewhere on Madison Ave near 58th St. i came back to the office and ran through my schtick a couple of times, gave a kick ass presentation and proved to myself that there's one more thing i can do without the tin.

One day at a time gentlemen...one fuckin day at a time...





Quit Date - 3/15/11
HOF Date - 6/22/11

HOF Speech:
Welcome to My Spy Movie

My Life as a Quitter:
Time to Grow a Spine
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teamgreen
Member Avatar
Two Bit Whore
[ *  *  * ]
kneedragger
May 3, 2010, 3:29 pm
small victories
gotta take pride in 'em when you can. not that anyone else cares, but i care. because it means i can do this quit thing. every day, chipping away at all the nic logic that had me convinced that there was so much I wouldn't be able to do without nicotine. it helped me study/concentrate/focus/perservere... how am i gonna handle all the really hard challenges in life...i don't need it for the day to day stuff, just when i have a big exam/presentation/budget review/performance review/essay to write/application to submit... these are the cracks in the door, gentelmen. and everyone on this site knows it. you leave that crack for nicotine to get in and eventually you also convince yourself that you need it to mow the lawn/take out the trash/clean the bathroom/scratch your nuts, or any other mundane task you can think of.

well today was a big re-wiring experience for me. an opportunity to teach myself that I can do it without my crutch. i occassionally have to present to the heads of the firm i work for...they can be some pretty intimidating dudes. i've presented to them quite a few times now, but my experience has made it only moderately less stressful. as a private company, i'm literally spending these guy's money on the project i'm developing. they tend to be unforgiving.

so my time slot today was late in the day...that really pisses me off. get to spend the whole day thinking about it, stressin', sweatin', thinking about how I could just relax if I headed down to the bodega on 3rd ave - that dude always has my brand.

I decided to stretch my legs and get some air. I walked out of my office building and straight towards the park. it's a pretty ritzy neighborhood by the park and i have literally never been able to find dip in this part of town...so some measure of safety. as i walked on towards the park, I just focused on breathing slowly and relaxing. trying to clear my head and think things through.

It was all very zen at first, but then i got tired of that pretty quickly. Then, I thought maybe i should stop being such a fuckin drama queen and just man up and convince myself that I can give a fuckin presentation without dip. hell, i already wrote all the material for the presentation...didn't need dip for that...won't be able to dip during the presentation...really, no fuckin need for dip. So there you have it...no need for dip...really...ever...seriously.

so apperently, I grew a pair somewhere on Madison Ave near 58th St. i came back to the office and ran through my schtick a couple of times, gave a kick ass presentation and proved to myself that there's one more thing i can do without the tin.

One day at a time gentlemen...one fuckin day at a time...

That is a great example. Every seemingly sticky situation or crave we beat back helps clear the overall BS addict logic out of the system. You did a great job of describing that process. I'm still going through the internal argument/reminder that dip doesn't make jackall easier. It's cool, though, because each time we beat back those misguided thoughts, it gets easier, more matter of fact.

This conclusion, awesome: "So there you have it...no need for dip...really...ever...seriously."

Basically, I'm finding I can get to this conclusion much more quickly and easily, without all the hoopla, the further into my quit I get.

Nice work.
Quitting is the most important thing you'll do today.

Caving is not an option.
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superjet701
Member Avatar
Quitter
[ *  * ]
kd,

I was reading your posts about your dreams, I am on day 38 and just as of last weekend I had my second dip dream, however in my dreams I dip, and I awake pissed off and really thinking I had a dip.

I really let myself down and I think that helps me with my quit, seems like my dreams are just giving me a little taste of reality to keep me on my toes. Make sense to ya? Hope so and good luck with the tricycles sounds interesting. keep your threads rolling i really enjoy reading them and they seem to help me as well.

superjet
I started my quit on March 26th 2010.
My HOF july 4th, twenty ten.
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ALBYJAY
Newbie
[ * ]
teamgreen
May 3, 2010, 4:52 pm
kneedragger
May 3, 2010, 3:29 pm
small victories
gotta take pride in 'em when you can.  not that anyone else cares, but i care.  because it means i can do this quit thing.  every day, chipping away at all the nic logic that had me convinced that there was so much I wouldn't be able to do without nicotine.  it helped me study/concentrate/focus/perservere...  how am i gonna handle all the really hard challenges in life...i don't need it for the day to day stuff, just when i have a big exam/presentation/budget review/performance review/essay to write/application to submit...  these are the cracks in the door, gentelmen.  and everyone on this site knows it.  you leave that crack for nicotine to get in and eventually you also convince yourself that you need it to mow the lawn/take out the trash/clean the bathroom/scratch your nuts, or any other mundane task you can think of.

well today was a big re-wiring experience for me.  an opportunity to teach myself that I can do it without my crutch.  i occassionally have to present to the heads of the firm i work for...they can be some pretty intimidating dudes.  i've presented to them quite a few times now, but my experience has made it only moderately less stressful.  as a private company, i'm literally spending these guy's money on the project i'm developing.  they tend to be unforgiving.

so my time slot today was late in the day...that really pisses me off.  get to spend the whole day thinking about it, stressin', sweatin', thinking about how I could just relax if I headed down to the bodega on 3rd ave - that dude always has my brand. 

I decided to stretch my legs and get some air.  I walked out of my office building and straight towards the park.  it's a pretty ritzy neighborhood by the park and i have literally never been able to find dip in this part of town...so some measure of safety.  as i walked on towards the park, I just focused on breathing slowly and relaxing.  trying to clear my head and think things through. 

It was all very zen at first, but then i got tired of that pretty quickly.  Then, I thought maybe i should stop being such a fuckin drama queen and just man up and convince myself that I can give a fuckin presentation without dip.  hell, i already wrote all the material for the presentation...didn't need dip for that...won't be able to dip during the presentation...really, no fuckin need for dip.  So there you have it...no need for dip...really...ever...seriously.

so apperently, I grew a pair somewhere on Madison Ave near 58th St.  i came back to the office and ran through my schtick a couple of times, gave a kick ass presentation and proved to myself that there's one more thing i can do without the tin.

One day at a time gentlemen...one fuckin day at a time...

That is a great example. Every seemingly sticky situation or crave we beat back helps clear the overall BS addict logic out of the system. You did a great job of describing that process. I'm still going through the internal argument/reminder that dip doesn't make jackall easier. It's cool, though, because each time we beat back those misguided thoughts, it gets easier, more matter of fact.

This conclusion, awesome: "So there you have it...no need for dip...really...ever...seriously."

Basically, I'm finding I can get to this conclusion much more quickly and easily, without all the hoopla, the further into my quit I get.

Nice work.

Man another great post. Thanks for the feed back!

I think you are really hitting the nail on the head. I used the "how can I do this without dip" argument to postpone my quit. How the nic gets deep in the cracks of our reality! We think we can't do anything without it. F the nic bitch!

I was serious about buying the book. I might hold off until my mind is completely wrapped around my quit. I have read the other two books.

Cheers!
James
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Greg5280
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Bonafied Quit Beast
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
ALBYJAY
May 4, 2010, 12:03 pm
teamgreen
May 3, 2010, 4:52 pm
kneedragger
May 3, 2010, 3:29 pm
small victories
gotta take pride in 'em when you can.  not that anyone else cares, but i care.  because it means i can do this quit thing.  every day, chipping away at all the nic logic that had me convinced that there was so much I wouldn't be able to do without nicotine.  it helped me study/concentrate/focus/perservere...  how am i gonna handle all the really hard challenges in life...i don't need it for the day to day stuff, just when i have a big exam/presentation/budget review/performance review/essay to write/application to submit...  these are the cracks in the door, gentelmen.  and everyone on this site knows it.  you leave that crack for nicotine to get in and eventually you also convince yourself that you need it to mow the lawn/take out the trash/clean the bathroom/scratch your nuts, or any other mundane task you can think of.

well today was a big re-wiring experience for me.  an opportunity to teach myself that I can do it without my crutch.  i occassionally have to present to the heads of the firm i work for...they can be some pretty intimidating dudes.  i've presented to them quite a few times now, but my experience has made it only moderately less stressful.  as a private company, i'm literally spending these guy's money on the project i'm developing.  they tend to be unforgiving.

so my time slot today was late in the day...that really pisses me off.  get to spend the whole day thinking about it, stressin', sweatin', thinking about how I could just relax if I headed down to the bodega on 3rd ave - that dude always has my brand. 

I decided to stretch my legs and get some air.  I walked out of my office building and straight towards the park.  it's a pretty ritzy neighborhood by the park and i have literally never been able to find dip in this part of town...so some measure of safety.  as i walked on towards the park, I just focused on breathing slowly and relaxing.  trying to clear my head and think things through. 

It was all very zen at first, but then i got tired of that pretty quickly.  Then, I thought maybe i should stop being such a fuckin drama queen and just man up and convince myself that I can give a fuckin presentation without dip.  hell, i already wrote all the material for the presentation...didn't need dip for that...won't be able to dip during the presentation...really, no fuckin need for dip.  So there you have it...no need for dip...really...ever...seriously.

so apperently, I grew a pair somewhere on Madison Ave near 58th St.  i came back to the office and ran through my schtick a couple of times, gave a kick ass presentation and proved to myself that there's one more thing i can do without the tin.

One day at a time gentlemen...one fuckin day at a time...

That is a great example. Every seemingly sticky situation or crave we beat back helps clear the overall BS addict logic out of the system. You did a great job of describing that process. I'm still going through the internal argument/reminder that dip doesn't make jackall easier. It's cool, though, because each time we beat back those misguided thoughts, it gets easier, more matter of fact.

This conclusion, awesome: "So there you have it...no need for dip...really...ever...seriously."

Basically, I'm finding I can get to this conclusion much more quickly and easily, without all the hoopla, the further into my quit I get.

Nice work.

Man another great post. Thanks for the feed back!

I think you are really hitting the nail on the head. I used the "how can I do this without dip" argument to postpone my quit. How the nic gets deep in the cracks of our reality! We think we can't do anything without it. F the nic bitch!

I was serious about buying the book. I might hold off until my mind is completely wrapped around my quit. I have read the other two books.

Cheers!
James

Werd !!!

For me getting my mind right was HUGE to my quit. Sitting around bitching about it, or worrying how bad it will be without it will make this SOO much harder. Wake up each day and get pissed !! FUCK UST and all those poison selling fuckers. They are not happy that they hooked you, they also want your KIDS.

Get your mind right and this does become much easier to do !!

Keep rocking your quits... you are doing great !
It's not that some people have willpower and some don't... It's that some people are ready to change and others are not.

NEVER AGAIN !!

"I have been down here before, I know the way out. "

There is a huge difference between a commitment of 99% and a commitment of 100%

Quit Date: 10-30-2009 : HOF Date: 2-7-2010 : One Year: 10-30-2010 : Two Years: 10-30-2011 : Comma 7-25-2012 : Three Years 10-30-2012 : Four Years 10-30-2013 : Five Years 10-30-2014 : Double Comma 4-21-2015 : Six Years 10-30-2015 : Seven Years 10-30-2016 : Eight Years 10-30-2017 :

My HOF Speech



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kneedragger
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[ *  * ]
Day 24 - I think I might feel better...
the late day sun is shining through my office window. it's quiet since most of my co-workers have left. i had a big day with a successful meeting with a very important partner. if i wasn't stayin' off the sauce, i'd say it's miller time.

for the first time since i quit, i see some evidence of truth to the statement that several veterans have repeatedly written on this thread. "hang tough", they'd say. "it will get better". it will get better, it will get better, it will get better. i remember saying this over and over to myself with my jaw set and that funky looking vein popping out of my forehead as I fought the craves and the funk and the fog...for the love of god, when is it going to get better?!?!?!

i can't remember if i've said this before, but i'm still shocked at how hard week three was for me. i never would have thought. this is a perfect example of why i wanted to document my quit. i know i'm a dumb fuck now, so it stands to reason that my future self will also be a dumb fuck. since i feel like i'm experiencing an uncharacteristic moment of clarity, i will make what i believe is a reasonable assumption...i will assume that my present self is moderately less of a dumb fuck than my future self. so i'm going to get a little preachy on my future self:

Dear Future Self:

Remember day 14? You felt great, like the hard part was behind you, like success was all but gauranteed. Then day 15 came at you like the wrath of God descending upon your sorry little head. You couldn't think, you snapped at everyone, you were useless at work (and I mean fucking useless), you ate disgustingly massive amounts of junk food, you were tormented by your miniscule attention span, you felt like there was nowhere to hide. You ran, you sweat, you shook, you prayed for the strength to get through these cravings. REMEMBER THESE THINGS YOU FUCKING MORON.

This feeling lasted for a solid nine days and I'm still shocked that you didn't cave because I know what a puss you can be. You can't do it again. You can't. Remember that when the voice in your head whispers to you that you can handle just one...for the love of god, don't listen to that voice.

Signed,
Your Slightly Less Idiotic Past Self

P.S. Stay quit you stupid fuck


and for any newbies out there trolling these boards trying to decide if they should quit, think about this. i told you that the veterans kept telling me that it will get better. i feel like i heard that a hundred times. the truth is, I probably did hear it a hundred times. and I'm only three and a half weeks into my quit. but the amount of support you get on this site is commensurate to depth of your suffering. and each time I called out, i was answered. if that was a hundred times, so be it. it's almost hard to believe that it's true and i can't figure out why these guys do it. but they're here for you and you're nuts if you don't take advantage of it. you'll never find a better site, so dump your can in the shitter and get your sorry ass in here.
Quit Date - 3/15/11
HOF Date - 6/22/11

HOF Speech:
Welcome to My Spy Movie

My Life as a Quitter:
Time to Grow a Spine
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cdforecheck
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Why does hair grow on my back, but not my head?
[ *  *  * ]
kneedragger
May 5, 2010, 6:54 pm
Day 24 - I think I might feel better...
the late day sun is shining through my office window. it's quiet since most of my co-workers have left. i had a big day with a successful meeting with a very important partner. if i wasn't stayin' off the sauce, i'd say it's miller time.

for the first time since i quit, i see some evidence of truth to the statement that several veterans have repeatedly written on this thread. "hang tough", they'd say. "it will get better". it will get better, it will get better, it will get better. i remember saying this over and over to myself with my jaw set and that funky looking vein popping out of my forehead as I fought the craves and the funk and the fog...for the love of god, when is it going to get better?!?!?!

i can't remember if i've said this before, but i'm still shocked at how hard week three was for me. i never would have thought. this is a perfect example of why i wanted to document my quit. i know i'm a dumb fuck now, so it stands to reason that my future self will also be a dumb fuck. since i feel like i'm experiencing an uncharacteristic moment of clarity, i will make what i believe is a reasonable assumption...i will assume that my present self is moderately less of a dumb fuck than my future self. so i'm going to get a little preachy on my future self:

Dear Future Self:

Remember day 14? You felt great, like the hard part was behind you, like success was all but gauranteed. Then day 15 came at you like the wrath of God descending upon your sorry little head. You couldn't think, you snapped at everyone, you were useless at work (and I mean fucking useless), you ate disgustingly massive amounts of junk food, you were tormented by your miniscule attention span, you felt like there was nowhere to hide. You ran, you sweat, you shook, you prayed for the strength to get through these cravings. REMEMBER THESE THINGS YOU FUCKING MORON.

This feeling lasted for a solid nine days and I'm still shocked that you didn't cave because I know what a puss you can be. You can't do it again. You can't. Remember that when the voice in your head whispers to you that you can handle just one...for the love of god, don't listen to that voice.

Signed,
Your Slightly Less Idiotic Past Self

P.S. Stay quit you stupid fuck


and for any newbies out there trolling these boards trying to decide if they should quit, think about this. i told you that the veterans kept telling me that it will get better. i feel like i heard that a hundred times. the truth is, I probably did hear it a hundred times. and I'm only three and a half weeks into my quit. but the amount of support you get on this site is commensurate to depth of your suffering. and each time I called out, i was answered. if that was a hundred times, so be it. it's almost hard to believe that it's true and i can't figure out why these guys do it. but they're here for you and you're nuts if you don't take advantage of it. you'll never find a better site, so dump your can in the shitter and get your sorry ass in here.

good shit...
Go Bucks! Quit Date: 12-23-2011
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