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Giving Up Your Quit - Just For A Dip ??; Think about this before caving!
Topic Started: Nov 19 2007, 01:27 AM (16,685 Views)
mylilsecret
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always smile!
[ *  *  * ]
(These are my feelings when a fellow quitter made the decision to cave)

I just don't understand it.
I am so hurt right now. I honestly am!
You all need to LISTEN to me really good ... do you HEAR me?

I'm not here to have anyone give excuses or to make anyone feel badly for caving but don't you realize we are ALL in this together. When you take that first dip back into your mouth. You are actually saying to me and others. I don't give a shit about my quit or your quit. I don't give a shit about you or how my caving is going to affect you. Screw it! I want to be selfish and do this for ME. (Your mind says) Go ahead - - Just do it!

Well, there are other people .. excuse my language .. that fucking count on you! Like ME! I need YOU to show me YOU can DO this because in return it shows ME I CAN do this.

When you cave it not only makes me so very upset to the point that I cry. Yes, I actually freaking cry because whether you believe it or not - - I CARE about you and your life. Whether you care about it or not - I do! I don't want you to succumb to this deadly disease. This sickness. I don't want you to die not knowing that some where someone is on your side, trying their best to show you the way.

I don't know why people .. my friends .. choose smokeless tobacco over life .. over the others on this site. I can't place judgement. You are and will always be my friend. Just remember your actions speak louder than words. Your actions have consequences not just for you but others that count on you.

Others, like myself - who have struggles just like you .. I endure bipolar, ADHD, I take medications for both, a son with the same illnesses who I try to breathe life into every day, a husband who hasn't even came to this site or supported my accomplishments with my quit only until I tell him, "Honey, today's 100, 200, 300 days for me" ... "Oh, that's great!" I endure seizure medication which I had to go back on due to the bipolar. My headaches would trigger some of my manic or depression episodes. My marriage that once was like a rock is about to crumble due to fights over money for medical, medications and therapy. Times that money by TWO because it has to do with my son and me. I have to deal with the guilt every day that my other two sons resent me because of all the time that is spent on Matthew. I haven't any help with my husband or my mother. My husband doesn't believe this is a mental illness just like he didn't believe tobacco was an addiction. He says that I can fix myself. I can't fix this. I simply can't. Matthew can't fix this. He has anxiety to the point he can't close the bathroom door. He can't be left alone. He worries constantly about time - asking what time is it. He worries about how much gas I have and if the gas light comes on I must right then and there get gas or he'll flip out. It's disrupts school as well as at home. Some of the earlier meds gave him phobias of bugs. A 9 year old flipping out over the smallest of insects and telling me if I don't kill it - he'll kill me. This is Matt's manic episode. There are times that he doesn't even remember going into a rage or in a depressive episode crying over the simpliest of things. He can't kep friends because they don't understand. He's brothers and father don't understand. All he has is me and it's only because I too have the illness. He has night tremors. I just try rocking him to sleep, telling him I'll never leave ..... I'll never leave.

It got to be too much one night about two months ago - one in the morning. I was over the edge. I couldn't think straight. My husband and I had been fighting over why he never spends time with the kids. Why he lacks in helping me with Matt and myself. Why he doesn't have any patience? Why he doesn't want to be a part of this family? I feel like a single parent but with an extra income. I got in my van and I drove. Within a depressive episode, I would normally think of death. How would they live without me? Who would cry? Hell, maybe no one. I'm forgettable. I'm just a burden to everyone. Yet driving around that night, I wasn't in the right frame of mine. I thought about how I could end it. I called so many from this site. Since it was very early in the morning, some just got a sobbing voicemail. I tried about 6 to 7 numbers and then finally someone answered. Someone whom I've never spoken to before. Through my sobs, I told him not to worry about me caving that wasn't an option. I didn't want a dip. I wanted to die. I just wanted the pain to stop. Please just let me die. That night, he listened to me. He didn't place judgement. However he made me realize leaving this world wasn't the answer. I'm worth it, to myself, to my family and friends instead of leaving them behind with unanswered questions. Whether he realizes in or not - he saved my life that night! Thank you for answering your phone and taking the time out to listen.

This site isn't just about quitting an addiction. It's a full circle. First quitting the habit, why we started dipping to begin with, the stressful daily struggles we endure when quitting and then after, the triggers so we don't cave, and completely knowing that others actually care - yes, they care enough even at one in the morning.

How do I do all this plus stay quit? I haven't a clue. Honestly! Just like the day I said I didn't want to dip anymore. It just happened. So what keeps us quit? This site? More likely it's the accountability and friendships I've made, it's the ramblings, like this post which likely doesn't make a bit of sense but it gets my feelings out, it's posting my name and day in my group and showing those men that I am completely commited to them that I CAN do this and so CAN they.

Don't prove me wrong. Don't sell yourself short.

Like before, I'm not sure what makes a person think about putting a dip into their mouth after many days of quitting. I don't think they realize how important their success in not caving is to them as well as my own quit. When you feel like giving up - call someone - make a post saying you need a little help. I want you to know that you can count on me! Because damn it, I am counting on you!

I'm quite sure most have bigger problems than my own but dipping ... is not the answer .. k?. Don't you realize that? Don't you realize how important you are to me and my quit? I tell you about my life in order for you to see that obstacles can be conquered without smokeless tobacco. It can be done - you just have to realize you are worth it!

If you need me, I'll be there.
But if I need you, will you give me the same opportunity? The same respect?

.... I hope so.

Sincerely,
mls
Quit Date: 01/04/07

I Want To Inspire People!
I Want Someone To Look At Me & Say -
"Because Of You ... I Didn't Give Up!"
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mylilsecret
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always smile!
[ *  *  * ]
I'd like some feedback .... if that's ok.
When you read this honestly how does it make you feel?
-Nickie
Quit Date: 01/04/07

I Want To Inspire People!
I Want Someone To Look At Me & Say -
"Because Of You ... I Didn't Give Up!"
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chewie
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[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
mylilsecret
Nov 20, 2007, 4:40 pm
I'd like some feedback .... if that's ok.
When you read this honestly how does it make you feel?
-Nickie

i'll give you some feedback this evening nick -- want to make sure that i have enough time...
"Every man dies... not every man really lives." - William Wallace
"Now that I've quit, I'm really living.' - iuchewie
QD - 7.24.06 / HOF - 10.31.06 / 2nd Floor - 2.08.07 / 3rd Floor - 5.19.07 / 4th Floor - 8.27.07 / 5th Floor - 12.05.07 / 6th Floor - 3.14.08 / 7th Floor - 6.22.08 / 8th Floor - 9.30.08
9th Floor - 1.08.09 / Comma - 4.18.09 / 11th Floor - 7.27.09 / 12th Floor - 11.04.09 / 13th Floor - 2.12.10 / 14th Floor - 05.23.10 / 15th Floor - 08.31.2010 / 16th Floor - 12.9.10
17th Floor - 3.19.11 / 18th Floor - 6.27.11 / 19th Floor - 10.5.11 / 2K - 1.13.12 / 21st Floor - 4.22.12 / 22nd Floor - 7.31.12 / 23rd Floor - 11.8.12 / 24th Floor - 2.16.13 / 25th Floor - 5.27.13
26th Floor - 9.4.13 / 27th Floor - 12.12.13 / 28th Floor - 3.24.14 / 29th Floor - 7.1.14 / 3K - 10.9.14 / 31st Floor - 1.17.15 / 32nd Floor - 4.27.15 / 33rd Floor - 8.5.15 / 34th Floor - 9.13.15
35th Floor - 2.21.16 / 36th Floor - 5.31.16 / 37th Floor - 9.8.16 / 38th Floor - 12.17.16 / 39th Floor - 3.27.17 / 4K - 7.5.17 / 41st Floor - 10.13.17 / 42nd Floor - 1.21.18 / 43rd Floor - 5.1.18
Episode III: The Final Quit | 406 Northlane | ScareTissue.com
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mylilsecret
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always smile!
[ *  *  * ]
thanks, chewie!
Quit Date: 01/04/07

I Want To Inspire People!
I Want Someone To Look At Me & Say -
"Because Of You ... I Didn't Give Up!"
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Cook
Cookie Monster
[ *  * ]
I just read this. As I newcomer to this site. Not a new comer to quiting. I've been dipping on and off for the last 23 years. The longest I went was 3 years. Nicotine is an evil bitch.

Let me share with you that I too am bipolar with ADHD. I am also an alcoholic. I have gone 5 1/2 years with no alcohol. For some reason quitting that was easier as I couldn't stay sane without my meds and alcohol doesn't go well with my meds.

You may have learned that bipolar and addiction are very common. It will be a struggle, but one that can be managed just like bipolar and just like someone with diabetes. Take it one day at a time, sometimes I have to take it one hour at a time. Addictive personalities many times find themselves replacing one addiction with another. I know many alcoholics that got addicted to smoking, one form of suicide traded for another. I know many, many more that have taken up competitive cycling, jogging, painting, arts and crafts.

I use the gym, video games and my dogs.

You are not alone and I do care. We can do this.
my HOF speech
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SOS
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Duuude........
[ *  *  *  * ]
I feel that your post captures, in essence, the whole "accountability" and "you fail, we all fail" message that we try to get across to any new quitters. It shows people that this site is not just a chat board to stop by and visit with people. It should show people that the others, on the other end of the internet connection, are relying on you, and have many of their own problems in life to deal with, so they dont need anyone to add to their stress and problems by caving and making them doubt themselves.

just my $.02, good job MLS
A good friend will come bail you out of jail...But, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
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chewie
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i haven't read the other responses here yet but i'll give you some off the cuff thoughts nick -- personally i view a cave as a two headed monster. it's a tragedy for the person who caved, the community and for me. i put my heart and sole into this site and these people cause i want them to get the level of freedom that i've achieved. i (like you) do NOT understand why someone would want to go back through days, weeks & months of hell after they had gotten the nic bitch out of their lives. i have YET to hear a good reason for a cave and quite frankly i view people that cave as people who really haven't committed to themselves yet. i don't say this to be mean, but it's the way i feel about it. i understand that this is very difficult, but i haven't EVER heard of someone who was forced to cave when someone else held them down and poured kodiak or cope into their lip.

the second head of the monster: opportunity. i look at every cave that i see as an opportunity to make MY quit stronger. much of what i do here i do for selfish reasons. if i didn't have 13k+ posts i'd be lip deep in a can of kodiak. this site is all about accountabilty and i make myself as accountable to as many people possible through my actions and words here. i promise you that you'll NEVER see a "day 1" next to my name unless it's followed by a comma.

a cave is a terrible thing. the person who's done it has thrown away a life of freedom from the dirt. with all that negativity surrounding an event, i try to look for the positive. i allow someone elses failure to remind me that while i may have good days, i am still in a fight or my life. love it or hate it that's the bed that i made for myself so many years ago and now i've got to lay in it.

for me... i'll keep making my daily decision to stay clean, use my plan when appropriate and try to keep my brothers and sisters away from a terrible decision to put the nic bitch back into their life.

sorry if this wasn't quite the feedback you were looking for nick, but thanks for writing a post that brought it out of me.

chewie
"Every man dies... not every man really lives." - William Wallace
"Now that I've quit, I'm really living.' - iuchewie
QD - 7.24.06 / HOF - 10.31.06 / 2nd Floor - 2.08.07 / 3rd Floor - 5.19.07 / 4th Floor - 8.27.07 / 5th Floor - 12.05.07 / 6th Floor - 3.14.08 / 7th Floor - 6.22.08 / 8th Floor - 9.30.08
9th Floor - 1.08.09 / Comma - 4.18.09 / 11th Floor - 7.27.09 / 12th Floor - 11.04.09 / 13th Floor - 2.12.10 / 14th Floor - 05.23.10 / 15th Floor - 08.31.2010 / 16th Floor - 12.9.10
17th Floor - 3.19.11 / 18th Floor - 6.27.11 / 19th Floor - 10.5.11 / 2K - 1.13.12 / 21st Floor - 4.22.12 / 22nd Floor - 7.31.12 / 23rd Floor - 11.8.12 / 24th Floor - 2.16.13 / 25th Floor - 5.27.13
26th Floor - 9.4.13 / 27th Floor - 12.12.13 / 28th Floor - 3.24.14 / 29th Floor - 7.1.14 / 3K - 10.9.14 / 31st Floor - 1.17.15 / 32nd Floor - 4.27.15 / 33rd Floor - 8.5.15 / 34th Floor - 9.13.15
35th Floor - 2.21.16 / 36th Floor - 5.31.16 / 37th Floor - 9.8.16 / 38th Floor - 12.17.16 / 39th Floor - 3.27.17 / 4K - 7.5.17 / 41st Floor - 10.13.17 / 42nd Floor - 1.21.18 / 43rd Floor - 5.1.18
Episode III: The Final Quit | 406 Northlane | ScareTissue.com
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2manycans
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"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."
[ *  *  *  * ]
damn, I wish all the folks on the site would "get it". Accountability to each other and ourselves, it is amazing how posting roll and being involved can influence other folks lives. I am glad that someone was there for you MLS, that is why this site works. There is more to this site than posting a number.

Caving, well...it's not going to happen. Forever, I don't think about that. I do know that snuff is not part of my life and it no longer defines me, and I am comfortable with that.

thanks for sharing,
2mcs
"It's not what do I want to do, it's who do I want to be."
QD: 12/31/2005
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juliejan
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quitter
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Quote:
 
I feel that your post captures, in essence, the whole "accountability" and "you fail, we all fail" message that we try to get across to any new quitters. It shows people that this site is not just a chat board to stop by and visit with people. It should show people that the others, on the other end of the internet connection, are relying on you, and have many of their own problems in life to deal with, so they dont need anyone to add to their stress and problems by caving and making them doubt themselves.

just my $.02, good job MLS


Nick , SOS sumed up just what I was thinking. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on quit brothers Caving.

JJ
Quit 7/3/07
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mylilsecret
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always smile!
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Then why is it we have so many who seem to fall back to their old ways?

Does it hurt us or help us by watching these occurances throught the month?

Sorry that I am on a debating spell. Just interested on how others feel and how it makes their quit withstand or crumble?
Quit Date: 01/04/07

I Want To Inspire People!
I Want Someone To Look At Me & Say -
"Because Of You ... I Didn't Give Up!"
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Sandman32
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Quack Quack
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mylilsecret
Apr 18, 2008, 11:21 pm
Then why is it we have so many who seem to fall back to their old ways?

Does it hurt us or help us by watching these occurances throught the month?

Sorry that I am on a debating spell. Just interested on how others feel and how it makes their quit withstand or crumble?

Its an interesting question. It always hurts to see quit brothers or sisters fall, and I wish it would never happen. However it also re-affirms to us how tough this is. By showing us that it keeps us on our toes, and it reminds us of how proud we should be to be able to continue to add those numbers.

Or maybe I'm wrong.
Quit Day 1/3/08
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Crosshair
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Stop the Madness
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mylilsecret
Apr 18, 2008, 11:21 pm
Then why is it we have so many who seem to fall back to their old ways?

Does it hurt us or help us by watching these occurances throught the month?

Sorry that I am on a debating spell. Just interested on how others feel and how it makes their quit withstand or crumble?

I became a member after using this site for almost a year on my own anonymously, and then only after being blindsided by the most intense craving nicfit I have ever had. I still cannot figure out what triggered it, I thought I had won. When you win, the game is supposed to be over. I have now come to realize, thanks mostly to the membership of this board, that this game will never be over. In fact, it's not a game, it's a fight to the finish. Where the finish may be depends in part on whether you cave or not. There are those who this same scenario has happened to that went the other way, I'm sure. On my 3rd quit attempt back in the 90's I went back to the seductress after 10 months cold turkey. Why? Stupidity? Ignorance? I do not have an answer for that. I do know that I also did not have a quit group that I could be accountable to, either.

Personally, watching verybody else go through what I went through only strengthens my resolve. We would like to save everyone, but in the big picture that is never possible. We keep after it and save whoever we can and diligently strive to keep our own house in order.

I do feel sad when people disappear from this board without a trace. They have most likely succumbed, but for every one who leaves there are many many more making a serious go of it who will need words of encouragement or a good ass reaming at times. These are the people that need and deserve help, defined strictly by their actions.

Sorry I droned, I now have to go and refill my cliche' bag.
QD - 050107 - DIE UST!

....That which does not kill us makes us stronger. - Friedrich Nietzche

....Contemplate this on the tree of woe. - Thulsa Doom

....Small fish are for Pussies! - Crosshair
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11X4
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You go, we go!
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Sandman32
Apr 19, 2008, 2:01 am
mylilsecret
Apr 18, 2008, 11:21 pm
Then why is it we have so many who seem to fall back to their old ways?

Does it hurt us or help us by watching these occurances throught the month?

Sorry that I am on a debating spell. Just interested on how others feel and how it makes their quit withstand or crumble?

Its an interesting question. It always hurts to see quit brothers or sisters fall, and I wish it would never happen. However it also re-affirms to us how tough this is. By showing us that it keeps us on our toes, and it reminds us of how proud we should be to be able to continue to add those numbers.

Or maybe I'm wrong.

Unfortunately Sandy, you're group has seen alot of people fall due to the sheer size of it. Early on you saw some people on the board (including me) post some very angry thoughts about the cave and lacksidasical (sp?) approach being taken by some. It wasn't an act, it wasn't to be a big tough guy, and it wasn't a secret desire to be an internet thug. It was genuine anger and venting.

I tried and failed miserably many, many times to beat this awful addiction. I tried everything...the patch....the gum...smoke for a while...cold turkey...you name it. Nothing worked, until I made myself accountable to a bunch of people that I had never met.

When someone caves whether its day 1 or day 1001 there is a feeling that we all have failed. I think that is why some of us get the angry feeling. And then of course, everytime I come down on someone that caved I have to be more vigilant myself for my quit. It wouldn't bode very well if went and did the same thing, would it?

So I would say that in the end, each occurance on this board makes my quit stronger as long as that's where I direct it. People beating the addiction prove to me that it can be done. Folks that let their guard down and cave remind me that weakness...however momentary it may be... will cost me BIG TIME!
I've always wanted to save a life, so I started with mine.

Quit Date: 4/22/2007~HOF: 7/30/2007~2nd Floor: 11/7/07~3rd Floor: 2/15/08~1 YEAR!: 4/22/2008~4th Floor: 5/25/2008~5th Floor: 9/2/2008~6th Floor: 12/11/2008~7th Floor: 3/21/2009~2 Years: 4/22/2009~ 8th Floor: 6/29/2009 ~ 9th Floor: 10/7/2009 ~ My Comma: 1/15/2010!

In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing-the worst thing you can do is nothing. - Theodore Roosevelt
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mylilsecret
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always smile!
[ *  *  * ]
I appreciate everyones reply.

It helps me to have other points of view. Specially when I try to write about the topic of addiction. Honestly it's hard to see your mentors, your friends, your group partners fail. Why do some fail? Because we are all human! Everyone makes mistakes. What the purpose of this site is for is so you'll never have to reach that point of failure. Someone will always guide your through.

So yes if someone caves it does help me in my quit but it also proves to me that we're all human. Please find strength before dipping again. Call upon us.

Now how many caves is considered too many?

  • one
  • two
  • three
  • repeat offender
  • could careless
Quit Date: 01/04/07

I Want To Inspire People!
I Want Someone To Look At Me & Say -
"Because Of You ... I Didn't Give Up!"
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Sandman32
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Quack Quack
[ *  *  * ]
mylilsecret
Apr 19, 2008, 6:50 pm
I appreciate everyones reply.

It helps me to have other points of view. Specially when I try to write about the topic of addiction. Honestly it's hard to see your mentors, your friends, your group partners fail. Why do some fail? Because we are all human! Everyone makes mistakes. What the purpose of this site is for is so you'll never have to reach that point of failure. Someone will always guide your through.

So yes if someone caves it does help me in my quit but it also proves to me that we're all human. Please find strength before dipping again. Call upon us.

Now how many caves is considered too many?

  • one
  • two
  • three
  • repeat offender
  • could careless

One
Quit Day 1/3/08
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