Author Topic: Kybo  (Read 326 times)

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Offline kybo

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Re: Kybo
« Reply #5 on: September 17, 2018, 09:05:35 AM »
Originally posted on March 12th, 2018

Day 65

Wow, we have lost a few people from our April group in the last week, or so. I am guessing they caved and just decided to not come back. That is a shame. But, I firmly believe you either want to quit or you don’t want to quit. And if you want to quit there is nothing in this world that will prevent you from accomplishing your goal of living a tobacco free life. Nothing at all. Conversely, if you don’t truly want to quit you are just living your life looking for a reason to cave. And eventually you will find that reason if you are constantly looking for it, whether it is real or perceived.

It ain’t easy, but nobody said it would be.

For the last 4 or 5 days my addict brain just keeps asking me if I really want to be quit. And every time I answer, “Fuck Yeah!” I have read stuff from many of the vets that have warned us new quitters about “ late term craves, the doldrums, the blahs, and the blues.“ The What to Expect Page says we should probably experience this around days 70-90. I think I hit this stage around Day 60. People call it the “Funk.” I honestly haven’t been even remotely tempted to cave yet, but I will admit that I have thought more about chew the last 4 or 5 days than I did in the entire previous month combined. I am not sure why I have been thinking about it so much, but I will say that I haven’t touched the fake stuff in 3 days. Perhaps that might be a contributing factor. All I know is that the reasons I decided to quit are still fresh in my head. I keep those reasons front and center by visiting KTC every day and making my pledge every morning. And I haven’t caved. So, I must be doing something right.

I have also read a lot of the vets correcting new quitters when they use the word “habit” when talking about chew. The vets correctly inform the new quitters that chew is an addiction. I agree with what the vets are saying about chew being an addiction, but I also agree with the people that call it a habit. I think chew is both an addiction and a habit. And the fact that it is a habit AND an addiction is what makes it so damn difficult to quit. Let’s be honest, if we were just addicted to nicotine patches I don’t think that would be as hard to quit as chewing. I don’t think you would see a bunch of nicotine patch addicts walking around with fake patches stuck to their bodies in an attempt to quit the patch. But, you clearly see a lot of recovering chewing tobacco addicts utilizing fake chew to help their attempts to “kick the habit.” You also see a lot of smokers utilizing candy suckers in an effort to “kick their habit.” So yes, I think there is an aspect to chewing tobacco that is a habit that is reinforced by an addiction, or vice versa. You get the idea. That is just my opinion and I am totally OK with you disagreeing with me.

That “habit” part of the addiction has been a tough one for me. The fake chew has helped tremendously, but I don’t like the fact that even the fake stuff tears up my mouth and inner cheeks. If I am giving up tobacco I want my mouth to feel good again. It is hard to explain, but I seriously think I miss having that lump of shit in my lip and spitting in a can every 60 seconds. Without that shit in my lip I catch myself clenching my teeth all the time or constantly running my tongue over my cheeks and gums. The end result being that my jaw hurts and I feel like I am rubbing raw spots on my gums from the constant irritation from my tongue. I am really trying to make the switch from fake chew to chewing gum but apparently I don’t know how to chew gum correctly because I keep accidentally biting the inside of my cheeks. And I am biting hard enough to actually draw blood. I have done this 3 times in the last month or so. WTF is up with that?

And now I would like to go back and address those people that were once members of our April group that have disappeared from KTC. The message that I have for you is that I am not mad at you. I sincerely hope you are still quit and you just decided to leave the site for some reason unknown to the rest of us. It would have been nice if you would have had the decency to tell at least one of us why you were leaving. If you caved, you caved. I am not going to sit here and tell you how to live your life. You either want to quit or you don’t. I personally don’t give a flying shit how many times you cave as long as you own your failure and genuinely commit yourself to keep trying to quit. If you do that I will support you every time you try to quit. Because at the end of the day, that is what we are all trying to accomplish. We are all human. We all have weaknesses and we all make mistakes. Your failure is not going to cause me to fail. The only thing that is going to cause me to fail is my own weakness or my own mistake. The important thing is that we all get up each day and keep trying to quit. I genuinely want to quit. But, I understand that not everybody else really wants to quit.

If you don’t genuinely want to quit, then I think you made the right decision to leave KTC. Enjoy your life, just do it somewhere else. And thank you for not wasting any more of my time by pretending you want to quit when you really don't.

Have a great fucking day, everybody! IQWYT!
"No regrets, that's my motto. That and everybody Wang Chung tonight."
"That's what's great about the outdoors, you know. It's one giant toilet."
"i thought I could stay at the party forever, it don't work that way, cause that shit will kill ya" -- Stevie Ray Vaughn

HOF date: 4/16/182nd Floor: 7/25/183rd Floor: 11/02/18
The first 300 Days

Offline kybo

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Re: Kybo
« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2018, 08:59:45 AM »
Originally posted on March 9th, 2018

Day 62!

Still feel great. It could completely be my imagination, but I swear my eyesight has improved since I gave up tobacco. And the air seems so much crisper when I take a deep breath now. Both of these things could be the result of the 15 to 20 miles a week I have been doing on the treadmill since I gave up the nasty shit. Or it could be due to the fact that I am no longer poisoning my body every day with that shit.

I have been reading some posts by other people that are talking about having some issues with depression. I can't really say that I have had problems that I would classify as depression, but I have had a few emotional roller coaster rides over the last couple of months. Mood swings, or whatever you want to call them. I am totally over the rage and subsequent outbursts at this point. But, yesterday my assistant came into my office and asked me if everything was ok. She said she has noticed that I have been keeping to myself and I have been a little more quiet than normal for the last couple of weeks. It actually made me laugh out loud because about 6 weeks ago she came into my office and asked me the exact same question because she thought that I was being "meaner than normal" to some of the employees. Nobody at the office knows anything about me ever using tobacco or the fact that I have now stopped using it. I don't think I will ever tell them.

Still no sign of Preston. He hasn't even logged into the site since the 4th. I never had him pegged as a caver.
"No regrets, that's my motto. That and everybody Wang Chung tonight."
"That's what's great about the outdoors, you know. It's one giant toilet."
"i thought I could stay at the party forever, it don't work that way, cause that shit will kill ya" -- Stevie Ray Vaughn

HOF date: 4/16/182nd Floor: 7/25/183rd Floor: 11/02/18
The first 300 Days

Offline kybo

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Re: Kybo
« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2018, 08:58:08 AM »
Originally posted on March 8th, 2018.



Kybo
Posts    547
Quit Date    1-7-2018
Quitter

08 Mar 2018, 09:35 #15
Day 61.

I feel great! Maybe a little fatter than I was a few months ago, but I feel fucking great!!

I have a few minutes this morning and was going to post something about myself again, but when I came into the Introductions page I noticed there were 83 Guests viewing our Intro pages. I was the only actual member logged in to the Intro section at the time. 83 guests were in here just looking around. So, I thought this morning I would write a short message just for you guys/gals that are in here looking around.

You guests are obviously here for a reason. What is that reason? Obviously you are at least thinking about quitting or you wouldn't be here. My advice is to go ahead and create a username and join the conversation for a couple days. It is completely free and you can choose to remain anonymous. You only have to tell people what you want to tell them. And, there are a lot more sections filled with great advice and great people that you can see and interact with once you become a member. Did I already mention it is completely free? Come on in, the water is nice and warm. I promise we don't bite and most of us don't even pee in the pool anymore. Every one of us was once in your shoes. We know what you are going through right now.

When I first stopped using tobacco it felt like my eyes were going to pop out of my head for the first four days. And my jaw hurt which kind of freaked me out a little bit. I also had a headache that came and went for a couple of weeks. I didn't sleep much in the beginning either. I would have been totally freaked out if I hadn't joined KTC and talked to people that had been thru the same things I was going thru. They assured me it was normal and that it would get better. And they were right.

What are you waiting for? All the cool kids are doing it. Come quit with us and see how good it makes you feel.
"No regrets, that's my motto. That and everybody Wang Chung tonight."
"That's what's great about the outdoors, you know. It's one giant toilet."
"i thought I could stay at the party forever, it don't work that way, cause that shit will kill ya" -- Stevie Ray Vaughn

HOF date: 4/16/182nd Floor: 7/25/183rd Floor: 11/02/18
The first 300 Days

Offline kybo

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Re: Kybo
« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2018, 08:54:57 AM »
Originally posted on March 5th, 2018

On my 38th day quit I skipped a funeral and played hooky from work by saying I was going to the funeral. That day has been the hardest for me so far. I had worked with the guy for seven years when I was younger and he was probably my best friend at that time in my life. I had every intention of going to his funeral, but when I woke up that morning I just couldn’t do it. I was feeling very depressed and the funeral was two hours away from me. I had almost convinced myself to say fuck it and buy a can of chew for the drive. What difference would it make? We are all going to die eventually, right? I logged onto KTC and posted roll that morning and I knew immediately after that I wasn’t going anywhere. I can’t call that a win, it was more of a no decision. I feel like shit for being too weak to show my respect to a guy that meant that much to me. But, I didn’t have a chew that day. If you want to judge me, go ahead. He is dead and nothing will change that. This is just one more demon that will keep me up at night.
"No regrets, that's my motto. That and everybody Wang Chung tonight."
"That's what's great about the outdoors, you know. It's one giant toilet."
"i thought I could stay at the party forever, it don't work that way, cause that shit will kill ya" -- Stevie Ray Vaughn

HOF date: 4/16/182nd Floor: 7/25/183rd Floor: 11/02/18
The first 300 Days

Offline kybo

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Kybo
« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2018, 08:53:33 AM »
I am going to move some of my Intro diary posts over from Take-a-shit (aka Tapatalk).


Originally posted on January 13th, 2018

48 years old, been chewing on and off since I was 14. Married with two children. I have always been a bit of a loner.

So, why am I here?

About a year ago my only sister died from breast cancer. It was tough watching her battle to the end. It was even tougher watching her husband and children deal with what we all knew was coming. My sister lived a healthy lifestyle. Never smoked, never drank, nor did she take drugs. She ate fairly healthy and exercised regularly. Yet, she was dead at the age of fifty. I honestly was in a state of shock for several months. But then, I took a look around and realized that I didn't want to put my wife and kids through that kind of hell if I could help it. I knew I was going to quit chewing, but I just kept making up excuses to buy another can. In November I finally made the decision to start cutting back on how much I chewed every day. By December, I had myself down to 3 small chews a day. I stuck with the 3 chews a day all the way to January 7th. I knew by then that I was an addict. I was going through withdrawals every day between my 3 small chews. Every day for over a month. It wasn't getting any easier. Cutting back wasn't working because I was still feeding the beast, and the beast was always hungry.

Then, on January 7th my wife and kids went shopping, leaving me at home by myself. I immediately put in my chew and flipped on the television. There was a documentary on about Stevie Ray Vaughn. They were showing an old interview that SRV did after he came out of rehab for his alcohol and drug addictions. I am going to paraphrase a little bit, but he basically said, " You can't stay at the party forever. Eventually that shit is going to kill you." I have no idea why that statement hit me so hard, but it hit me square in the face like a freight train. I am not a young kid any more. I have been abusing my body for over 30 years. I have definitely stayed at the fucking party too long.

I spit out my chew at 11:55 am on Sunday, January 7th. The next 36 hours were pretty rough. It felt like my eyes were going to pop out of my head. But, I stuck with it. I stuck with it for my wife and kids. I stuck with it for my sister, who nicknamed me kybo when I was a toddler. And I stuck with it for my mother in the hope that she won't have to endure burying her only remaining child.

I am an addict. This morning I made a pledge to not have a chew, and I didn't have a chew today. Tomorrow I will make the same pledge.
"No regrets, that's my motto. That and everybody Wang Chung tonight."
"That's what's great about the outdoors, you know. It's one giant toilet."
"i thought I could stay at the party forever, it don't work that way, cause that shit will kill ya" -- Stevie Ray Vaughn

HOF date: 4/16/182nd Floor: 7/25/183rd Floor: 11/02/18
The first 300 Days