Hello All
My name is Dan, I'm 37 and have been chewing off and on since I was 14, mostly on. That's 23 years I'm embarrassed to say. Over half my freaking life. Well tonight (12:00 am) I'm here at work, my own business and I've decided to finally get serious about this. I just finished my last can of Kodiak and hope to God I can find the will power in me to never put this crap in my mouth again.

I actually joined this forum back in October 08 thinking I was really going to give it the full effort. Funny it only seems like a month or so ago. But this is the story of my chewing life. I've been wanting to quit and making weak efforts to for at least 6-7 years. But I always fall prey to the old habit. When I first joined this forum, I started thinking "KodiakDan" is a stupid name. But really it's one that fits to a tee. After getting a little more familiar with this site, one of my goals now is to not only quit for the rest of my life but to change my username after 100 days of "chew" sobriety.

I started chewing the same reason that most people start (imo)....to be cool. I remember being in 8th grade hanging out around school and seeing an older kid chew and wanting to try it, which the kid was more than happy to share. My parents or anyone for that matter never told me "Stay away from Chew" I'm not sure if they really knew what it was and not that I was one to take advice from anyone back then.

Lot's of guys chewed in high school. I wanted to be in that group. I was on the football team and wanted to be tough, like all the chewers. I remember driving to school chewing and having to pull over and puke because I could hardly handle it. I forced my system to adapt.

I started working at a Budweiser warehouse when I was 18 all throughout college until I was 23. There wasn't a day that I worked there that there wasn't a huge dip of Copenhagen filling my mouth. It was my identity on some level working with all these older guys who were blue collar to the bone, sleeves rolled up, beer drinking, don't F with me type of guys.

During my late teens to around 30 I was also an out of control binge drinker and pot smoker. The chewing went hand in hand with the other destructive habits.

I started going with my now wife at age 30 and have recently controlled my drinking in the past few years and no longer smoke pot as of about 2-3 years. But the chewing has always maintained.

My chewing habit in my 30's has primarily been a solitary thing for me. I've been embarrassed about it for awhile and try to hide it from everyone. My wife didn't figure it out for probably the first 4 years we were together.

I have a wonderful daughter who is almost a year old now. I never imagined I would seriously have a chance to have my own family. It seemed like I was always the one who lived on the edge and strayed from these types of commitments.

I have a lot of fears regarding the health effects that chewing has had on me. Cancer runs in my family probably more than most. My mother, 2 aunts, and grandfather died of cancer. I have a cousin my age that's had multiple bouts of this evil disease. But yet I still chewed all these years like my days were numbered anyway. I know I can't go back in time and the best and only chance I have going forward is to keep my promise and stop right now. At least my gums may not recede anymore and my teeth may get a little brighter. My fate may be lucky and spare me from any cancer. I feel like I should pray again - haven't done that for years.

I've rambled on here a lot. I didn't really have a plan writing this, just have a ton of crap bottled up inside me regarding this habit that's controlled my life. I don't have anyone to talk to about this so I'm hoping that this site can give me a little help and I in turn need to be involved with the site as well.

I imagine a life where I don't have to run away to get a chew, hang out at work late to chew, stay up for hours and surf the web and be unproductive just to chew, decide I'm going to quit - throw out a half can and then go buy a new one a few hours later (multiple times in a week), go through a huge amount of embarrassment when someone catches me, lie to old friends that I haven't seen in years who ask, Are you still chewing? and feel deep down inside my self-esteem getting a little lower everyday I continue. I need to quite for myself more than anyone. This will be the hardest thing I've ever done by 100x over anything.

Thanks to anyone who actually got through this intro and can relate. My apologies if I didn't follow the guidelines here.


My journey begins now.

no apologies necessary...

damn glad to have you... remove the word "hope" and "try" from your vocabulary.

you CAN and WILL do this.

welcome to the rest of your life.

chewie

Dan-
You can do this fella. Your gonna get some shit for statements such as "hope to God I can find the willpower." I think I know what you're trying to day but have to agree that wishy washy lingo has to go brother. If you haven't made up your mind 100% to commit to this quit then your efforts will be futile. Trust me, I know. I like you am not a first timer on this site. Actually made the HOF last year. Got complacent and pissed away my quit. I'm 10 days in now and yes the first few days are going to be just as shitty as they were last time. You can do this Dan. When I read your post, there were multiple statements that I could relate to. I'm guessing most guys on this site can also relate and truthfully it's pathetic. Nicotine is a nasty mother fucker. Kick that shit to the curb once and for all. You need anything, let me know. Send me a pm and I got your back.
Gooch

Thanks for the replies. Good words Gooch, I needed to hear that

Dan, you CAN and WILL do this. It sill suck at first but it WILL get Better. Stay close to this site and post every day. I am 176 days quit and NEVER want to go back. Life is so much better without chew. Ping me if I can help

Glad your here Dan!!! Don't worry about the past, we're talking from here forward. Get quit, get to posting on the June'09 group & let's start racking up the days quit.

You can do it, let's get busy.

Welcome.

You can do this.

Last night I took a row boat on the Passaic river by myself and spent time looking for cans of Kodiak floating in the water.....at least in my dreams. I also spent time in a room with a couple co-workers who were asking me if I was chewing while I had a dip in my upper gums, the way I used to chew at work. The embarrassment woke me up and I slept like crap the entire night because I kept having these little chew movies (or nightmares) playing in my brain. The night before I was fixated on roll call. The roll call list was constantly being highlighted in my dreams. Sleep sucked as well. These are the only nights I've dreamed of dip so far.

It's been real difficult getting through the everyday routines where the chew bitch partnered up with me. I've read so much on this website including some sentiment on how quitting chew is kind of like loosing a friend. Well, I was buying into this a couple days almost to the point of getting depressed and then I read this My Chew, My Friend and reality set back in.

I've come to the reality that chew has fucked my brain into being a junkie. The little monkey in my brain is constantly wanting some type of fix. Chew was such an easy, accessible, quick fix in the past - especially for a week junkie like myself.

A HUGE positive about being quit going on 14 days, is my mouth feels like it's been re-born. No more white film covering my gums, the ripples on my gums and cheeks seem to be smoothing out, no more little black blood blisters on my cheeks, tongue feels good, and I'm not clearing my throat as much and hacking up, what appears at first to be mutilated pieces of stomach!!!

Those dreams are freaky aren't they? I've had similar dreams and they are so realistic, it's creepy. Bottom line is you're still quit and that's all that matters. Great job Dan, keep up the good work!
Gooch

That's some shit dan.... And. I know what a relief for the mouth to grow back, I was worried bout that myself....

Got ur back dan,,, murderin that bear

Today is a good day.

It's my daughter's first birthday and I'm quit going on 17 days. I was supposed to quit on NY day before she was born, at the end of Jan, begin of Feb, end of Feb, begin of March, day she was born, day after she was born, end of her first month, etc... I think the point is clear. I chewed around her plenty during her first year. But I haven't chewed around her the past 16 days and have pledged not to do it today. I can be very hard on myself and I know 17 days is just a little drop in the bucket, but today is a day where I'm going to feel proud of this accomplishment. 'qt'

Absolutely Dan-
You deserve it. 17 days is nothing to sneeze at my friend, just don't let your gaurd down cuz you know who's lurking in the shadows.
I've got two young ones of my own. There is no better feeling than being nic free around my kids, afterall who is their biggest role model? Fact, kids who's parents use nicotine are 50% more likely to use themselves one day. That's scary shit.
Great job on your quit Dan, you're well on your way my friend.
Gooch

Ahhhh, the mighty Passaic river. I used to catch two headed carp out of there. It's good to see another Joisey quitter in here. Let me know if you need help with anything. You can do this.

Dan,

That is a heck of a story bro. I had similar feelings as you when dealing with this addiction. It is awesome that you have quit 17 days and on your daughters 1st birthday...Congratulations to the both of you.

Amazing how addicted we were to the shit. For me I thought that I could quit anytime I wanted...25 years later, I know I can-thanks to this site and the support system here.

Keep us posted on your progress bro...I look forward to reading your H.O.F. speech real soon!

Keep up the great work and stay quit!

MF

Thanks MF - I backing you as well brother

Senseless musings for future reference.

Work is a sonofabitch right now, I wouldn't mind punching someone in the face, my schedule is no fucking schedule to live with - always changing, fucking wife is always late, driving me fucking nuts. I hate not having control over some things in my life. Beer isn't quite as good without chew and I like beer more than I like most people.

Everything seems worse than it really is because I'm not chewing. As soon as any annoyance or stress came about I could slap a chew in my mouth and get temporary relief. In a way I'm jealous but also a little pissed when I read these statements in roll call saying, "Whoopdy fucking doo look at me I feel great" "Day 5 and I'm climbing Mt. Everest tomorrow" "Day 2, getting easier every fucking second....stay tuned doodle doo" "I'm kicking the NIC BITCH in the ASS and taking names"

I'm not looking for sympathy, just basking in my own misery. I did it to myself acting like a pig spitting mud for over half my life.

On the flip side of all this babiness above I wouldn't be quit this long if it wasn't for being able to read everyone's comments and stories on this website. I want to be quit right now more than ever in my life

Right on brother!

Amen to that, stupid shit gets under my skin now.

I'll 2nd that, this site is definitely a huge asset to me and my quit along with a lot of other of our brothers & sisters. Probably still be ridin' that nic pony if it weren't for this site.

You're doing great KD, keep up the quit bro!

Stay Strong, Stay Quit!

MF

Dan-
I hear you brother. I've often thought the same thing with reading posts where guys seem to be kicking much ass right out of the blocks. First off don't believe everything you read, I think some of those guys are simply trying to convince themselves that things are going great. Secondly, each and every one of our quits is individual in nature. Seriously, some days are pretty "easy" in the grand scheme of things and others are pretty fucking shitty.
I know it sounds simple but the truth of the matter is chewing tobacco was never a wise choice for any of us and will never be a wise choice for any of us. It will only make things worse. You and I and everyone on this site quit for a reason. If you were like me, nightly you layed in bed wondering "why the fuck do I continually put that shit in my mouth." We both know all the reasons we shouldn't be chewing and the list is exremely long. I guaran damn tee you if you were to cave the gratification would be minimal and almost immediately you'd be back to square one saying again, "why the fuck do I continually put this shit in my mouth."
Sorry for rambling there but just wanted to share that thought with you. The fact that you "want to be quit more than any time in your life" is all I need to hear. You're ready for this and can do this. We got your back fella.
Gooch

I understand.

It will get better.

These stupid sunflower seeds are getting on my fucking nerves. I've gone through a bag of jalapeno, regular, and now I'm finishing off the reduced sodium. The bag says, "Eat. Spit. Be Happy." Who the fuck are they kidding??? If I was a little more limber, I may as well save some money and lick my own ass, because that's what my mouth tastes like after chewin & spittin on these little turds like a cow for 15 minutes. I'm done with that shit. I'm so obsessed with having shit in my mouth - that, along with reprogramming the routines is the most difficult aspect of the quit, at least for me. You should see me chew gum, it's fucking Mike Ditka jr. over here. I've got to tell myself to relax sometimes.

The physical withdrawal of nicotine was so temporary. I'm thankful I didn't go on the nic gum. My jaw is sore enough from the trident. I'm not criticizing anyone chomping on the seeds, nic gum, dirty underwear,,,whatever you need to be quit from this chewing tobacco shit. Everyone has a right to do their quit however they need to. Thanks for being there KTC!!!!

I hear you Kodiak. I've eaten so much fucking candy and gum I'm sick of it. I've gained 7 pounds in 7 days. LOL! I can't sleep more than an hour at a time. And I've started having some really "odd" dreams which I shall not repeat, even here.

But try to focus on the good shit you're accomplishing here. Your heart rate is going down and with it your blood pressure. Except when you feel the urge to strangle someone. Which I have at least 15 times per day.

You're doing great man. I hope I'm doing as well as you when I get that far.

Brad and Dan...

I need quit-comrades. You two seem moderately sane. Can we help one another?

My brain is fried. I need something to make sense. Quitting isn't making any fucking sense right now. I'm not necessarily worried about caving. I've come this far, and I won't let myself give up. Some of the withdrawal is lifting.

However, I need to somehow feel good about quitting. I feel fucking ambivalent. I don't feel proud about making it a week. I don't care.

I want to bite someone on the neck. Not like a vampire. I just want to inflict pain. Maybe I don't need to bite someone on the neck, then. I can bite someone's arm or ass or eyes. Whatever. I want to crush someone with a 2 x 4. Or crash a car. NO. A van. I want to crash a van into a stone wall. Like, a dry wall (no mortar), so the van wrecks SOME of the wall, but not all of it, and the van flips over and spins off into a field. Fuck you.

this post will go down in history

If you think Dan and I are sane then you really are crazy. :D

Ok, seriously, back to the point. You wanna feel good about quitting? Here's what I tell myself everyday.

I'm gonna live a hell of a lot longer because I'm quitting now (I'm 44).

I've decreased the chances of some doctor telling me they're gonna cut my fucking tongue out.

I'm not gonna have to use one of those little talking devices that covers the hole in my fucking throat.

I can taste food again! Already! And it's better than ever.

My wife says my breath smells better. Which means everyone else thinks my breath smells better they're just not saying it.

I'm saving a shitload of money.

I no longer constantly tap my front pocket and worry about whether there's enough Redman in there to last me all day.

And my teeth are turning white. Something I haven't seen them do in 20 years.

There's more, but that should get you started.

P.S. We already ARE quit-comrades. We're all in this together my friend. I need you to succeed. The success of others on this site is another reason I keep going. It proves to me that it can be done.

Hold on one second there partner...

You should be DAMN proud of what you've done. You should care and if you don't then I'll care and be proud for you. Do you REALIZE what you've just done? First off, you've gotten through the first 72 hours without nic which most people simply cannot to. Secondly, you've made it through an entire week of triggers.

When's the last time you went a week without dip? If you're like me, it was the week before you started dipping all those years ago.

Every, single, fucking, day... is a triumph. Every day my man.

Congratulations!

Chewie, Brad, TFurry Grundle...Thank you, gentlemen.

I sound like a whiny little child. I really do. I am electronically whining and moping. However, I don't intend to. This whole funk is just frustrating. I DO care that I have gone seven days without dip. And I do know that it will mean even more 100, 1,000 and 10,000 days from now. It's just easy to lose sight of these facts while in the painful grips of withdrawal.

And you know, withdrawal shouldn't be easy, I guess. I deserve this pain. I couldn't rationally anticipate that nearly 20 years of substance abuse would just quietly disappear in a few days.

Yeah. Withdrawal is a bargain. A few weeks? Even a few months? Bring it, you wretched bastard.

Yo Dean
Another thing to do when you're craving is stare at Tfurry's avatar for a good 10min....trippy dude

Hey cunt,,,

U went 7 days without dipping, 8 days ago u would have said no fucking way.....

There are motherfuckers out there quitting
, And your one of them....


Big props on ur week....



Fuck u kodiak!!!

Ha! Yeah...His avatar might lessen a craving, but it might also make me want to go find some hippie twat driving a Saab and...

No...I'm going to be nicer. Plus, I really do like the Saab 9-3 Aero. I just hate hippies.

Dean, Bear, Dan, Brad -

Please allow me to join in this here tirade. I'm frustrated as hell!! Day 35 for me and I'm still not in a good place. Mostly so at work. I expected this for a week or two - but not going on month number 2. The fact the work is suffering is what's really pissing me off.

I know though that this is still a mental withdrawal (not physical at this point) where something in my brain is still wired to want dip and make excuses for needing it.

Really, really, really, really, really FRUSTRATED.

I feel like I've got worse case of A.D.D. in the history of mankind .... but only with "real work". I can stay focused on KTC all day ... or work out like a crazy man .... or work around the house and stay focused. But getting in my office and doing what I need to do to make a living is SO FUCKING HARD!!!! 'bang head' 'bang head' 'bang head' 'bang head'

I know. I'm finding the exact same thing. I can goof off, read the paper, go running, play tennis, even just go for a walk with my wife and just chat... and not crave a chew.

But the minute I sit down to work, like now, I want a chew. And I'm bored and aggravated as shit because I don't (and can't) have one.

I think it's because for years I used Redman to "brighten" up my day a little, especially with mundane or boring tasks like work. Now my body and brain are still craving that "brightness" I got from tobacco when I was working.

It sucks.

I use gum, candy, taffy, lollipops, all that shit. They're not good for me, but they perk me up a little when I have to have something.

I guess we all just miss the "party in our mouth" we used to have. Go ahead and make your own sex jokes. :D

I relate to this completely. Sitting at work and driving in the car are the two scenarios where I want a dip most. These are my triggers, and they're totally boring and mundane. I think that's the danger in them, too. Because the triggers are ordinary, an ordinary day can present the worst cravings.

It's both the ordinary triggers, and the extraordinary triggers, isn't it? I remember when I started dipping, first it was in my new car. Didn't want to ruin that new car smell with smoke, eh? Then I got to thinking, "I can dip while writing this term paper in the computer room. Nobody will be none the wiser and it will make the night more tolerable." Next thing I knew I dipped whenever I studdied. Mowing the yard? Why not? How about playing video games? Watching a movie. .. . right after a big meal. .. . first thing in the morning to clear the head. . . . last thing at night to relax. .. . . learned to swallow so I didn't have to take it out at inoportune times like when I didn't want to ruin a fresh dip because I have to go inside some building for whatever reason. . . .

EVERYTHING now is a trigger.

Couldnt agree with you more, O.D. Being awake is a trigger at times.

Ust25YrDonor - don't know if it helps at all, but you're not alone. Sounds like most of us are experiencing similar frustration. I know I am.

What you said below to the effect of: not being able to get any work done, but can get shit done on this site...that is dead on too.

Kodiak Dan I think you have singlehandedly made a new place to vent and post like no other. This is the best thread I have read in early quitness for a while. It sucks but gets better. I am prowd of all of you posting here and sharing the frustration of kicking nic in the fucking ass. Also look what we all have in common. Kids. We are quiting for us so we can enjoy them longer. They are the best. Party on dip free. 'Popcorn'

UST25 - I'm in the exact same spot you are bro. I also think Dean summed it up to a tee. Part of this addiction, at least for me, was a means to enhance things in my life that were dull and uninteresting. How do I say it??? Well maybe,,,,Work fucking blows!!!!!!!!! It sucked before I quit, but I could get a little relief at times because I could get away with hiding a chew in my upper lip. But on the flip side of that relief, I had to constantly watch over my back to make sure I wasn't caught spitting in a can, I would smash the chew in my face with my palm so it would be flat - so no one would see the bulge, I was popping breathsavers and drinking coffee like a pig to mask my breath, and the whole time the battle was going on in my brain,,"You got to quit idiot - - Sunday will be my last day",,,,etc...I own a business with my wife (which adds pressure at times not to think of murder,,,on top of the boredom). I'm not as productive at work now in the past 35 days, but I've been a gym rat since Feb, lifting weights, running, losing fat....why? because I love exercising and never needed dip to do it. Without dip, I'm so much more motivated to go to the gym. It's funny, one of my earliest memories of one of my grandfathers was him telling my Dad he didn't know anyone who loved their job. My Dad was trying to get him to retire after working in a slaughterhouse well into his 70's - but gp was telling my Dad "It's who I am" For whatever reason, "No one likes their job" always stuck and in reality I would have to say I've known probably no more than 10 people who truly love their job in my working career. How many people would stay at their job if they won a million bucks? It's a fact of life but I believe getting over the burden of chewing will someday make work slightly better and it will ensure that I'll cherish those fun times like going to the gym, fishing, imprinting my hand in my wife's ass...EVEN MORE because my conscious will be clear and I'm now comfortable not spinning the barrel of the cancer gun.

God damn yo....... U peeking in my head???

Fukukodiak

Big day fifty for dan!!!!!!!

A quick perspective after 50 days:
50 days feels great but 50 days is just a little drop in the bucket compared to the 8000 (+/- 500) days that I chewed. I’ve got a long way to go. I still think about chew everyday, multiple times a day. I still have craves multiple times a day. My brain still aches for a fix, the fix that chew provided. But my motivation to stay quit is strong. I will live to the day where the thought of chew is nowhere to be found....GOD DAMMIT!!!!!! I have to give most of the credit to the website for strengthening this motivation daily. Thanks to everyone who has helped my quit so far.

Good job- the big 50! I can't wait to join you one day.